Thursday, June 10, 2010

blah laa :P

Ini bukan hiatus.
Blog ni xkan digunekan lagi kerane dy sudah menjadi x bergune.
Make saye berhijrah ke sesuatu yg akan digunekan lagi lebih bergune.

Kepade kawan2 yg bergune, korang tawu nk carik aq kat mane! ^^

Sekian terime kaseh~~~! :D

Thursday, June 3, 2010

first impressions

Last post was about my friend who finally got her the fairytale happy ending. Or rather, the beginning? I certainly hope so. If only I were there right in front of her when she told me about it. I could've danced all night. (Yes, I am quoting song from My Fair Lady). This post would be so much more about me I guess?

I've changed the layout of this blog (somewhat) because I thought it would be nice to change. You know, new chapter in life and all... As always, I struggled to come up with a new title for this blog. I wanted to change the name to something that isn't trying to hard to look artsy and shit, but rather just be and let the title speaks for itself. Letting the title, summarise the whole identity of the owner of this blog. But after 30 minutes and still nada that's inspiring and original I thought, well, heck, I'll just plagiarise something. A quote from a song, or maybe I'll just take a title of a song. Anything at all would be fine. And then there was The Strokes. Their album First Impressions of Earth hovers in front of my eyes on my laptop screen and something like a light bulb lights up inside my head. I thought, yeah. First impressions.

First impressions, because when you meet someone for the first time, it's all about first impressions.
It's important because it kinda dictates who you are to this person, and if you screw your first impression to other people, well then you're screwed. I've read Pride and Prejudice waaaay too many times, and I'll tell you fellas, that shit is true. Jane Austen is a genius. Relationship between human beings should be simple and easy, but Janey nailed it in her books.
What happens after the first impression though, depends.
Perceptions can change. It's not a constant, it's a variable.
Over time you'll realise how wrong you can be, or in certain cases, how right you are.
The story of my life is, people have waaayy too many distorted first impressions on me. Sometimes too negative, sometimes too positive. Why it just be something in the middle?
The first impression, would always be:

A) I'm too happy, too cheerful, too optimistic, too friendly, too talkative, too chirpy


B) too snobbish, very bitchy, very selfish, very un-Malay, very bajet

I'm too TIRED too think anymore.


Human beings, have depth. We have complexities. We have layers and layers and layer and layers of untangible things inside. We can't describe ourselves in one word, or ten words.
Cheerful, gedik, emo, diva, pretty, ugly, bad, good, nice, kind, shy, extroverted, talkative, slim, fat, anorexic, obnoxious, funny, friendly, bitchy, smart, stupid, optimistic, pessimistic

Why can't we stop putting labels on other people? even I do it.
everybody does it.
I can't stop myself or others to stop doing it. but I guess i'm hoping for someone to be able to acknowledge that I am all of that.
We are not, one word.
We are not, one thing only.
We are not, without depth and complexities.
We are not, simple.
I am not what you think I am. You may be partially right, but you can't be completely right about someone.
You see the moon on the sky every night. But you only see one side of it.
What about the other side?
No one has seen it. It could be beautiful. It could be so ugly.
You don't know.
But at least accept that there is this other surface.


wow, for so long I have not written something in fear of being judged.
for so long I have not written something in fear of slighting someone.
I am feeling a little morose and screaming screw the world at the moment.
ha. fuckin ha.

now go away and let me cry in silence dammit.

do the sweet thing

I want to
dance in the rain because I'm happy for you
run across a green field with my face turned towards sky heaven
never ever want to stop smiling because
I'm happy for you
You know when something good happens to someone close to you, and although it doesn't happen to you but you feel so so so glad and happy because you know how happy that other person is? I want to scream in glee and hug you and kiss you and shout so the whole world can hear, "See?"
Send another roses, make the girl happy
call at midnight, she'll sleep with a smile on her face
and in her sleep she'll dream of you
when she wakes up, she'll search for your face in the morning
talk to her, she misses your voice
oh stranger, if only you knew how much she loves you
do the sweet thing because in everything you do
she'll know you love her too

Please please please say you do
because i hope you do


Thursday, May 20, 2010

shut it

am currently sitting in a library.
it was quiet at first.
and then these assholes just have to come and ruin the tranquility of this place.

Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I'm trying to get some job done here!
go play somewhere else! shoohhh.. shooh..

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

little crush

my god, you're only 19. and here I am grinning like a fool because you didn't just cast me aside.

The thing, with crushes is that they never last long.
Which works just fine with me because if longevity is related with the kind of crush i'm going through I'm pretty much screwed because then I would be doomed to eternal un-moving-on-ness. Which is what we're suppose to do in life isn't it? moving on. and having a hell of fun out while you're at it. :)
The thing, I don't like about crushes though, is that they start fast whenever I move to a new area. It's like a cycle, the spread of a disease that has no cure to it. Note: I've put this on 2012 new year's resolution. In case I get to deported to a new place for Masters, I, Nadhirah 'Afiah should not ever, ever develop a new crush. Ever.

What's good about a little crush is, there's totally no harm in it. Well, except for the illegalities of stalking your object of affection even if it's just through world-wide social networking, *ehem.. facebook.. ehem!* there are no other consequences that you have to bear with. Unless, of course, if your crush is a discreet case and suddenly one day it isn't anymore. The only consequences you have to bear with is massive EMBARRASSMENT when this happens. *sigh*
But that is just a tiny, tiny thing to deal with. Just smile and wave and pretend that you have not the slightest idea regarding this issue when someone asks you about it. Because you know the pros definitely outweighs the cons.

What are the pros you ask me?

Well, you need not exercise because your heart just so happen to beat really fast whenever you see him..... So that's a cardio-workout for you although he was really just passing by and have not the slightest idea of the near-heart palpitation effect he just had on you....
And at the chance that he might glance your way, you will be at your best behaviour and posture. And that might be a little on the hypocritical and plastic side, but hey, if it generates a better image of you.. I say, go for it. definitely. After all, to all the people around us,we are what we present. riiighht?

... what i'm trying to say is, just let me bask in this temporary glow although it's just one-sided. I am not ashamed of my own feelings. Why should anyone be? and yes, i sound bimbotic, but admit it. all of us have been, and still do this crushing business. so don't go around beetchiiiingg about me just because i'm able to be honest about it and you're not.


Tuesday, May 4, 2010


If at an early age, a child learns how to separate between what's physical and emotional, he'll grow up to be a strong person. Sometimes too strong that even he can't tell if it's pain that he feels.
I wonder how Achilles felt when that arrow pierced his heel. Did he feel betrayed that his supposedly invincible body failed to rise to the occasion?
Achilles, I'm sure the pain of the burst of your ego bubble exceeded the the physical pain you went through when your vision went black and the knowledge descend upon you that you, are going to die. Alone.

Saturday, April 24, 2010


I am Jack's raging bile duct.

I am staring into nothingness. Not nothingness, in front of me is the screen of computer. I can barely open my eyes with eyelids heavy as a lead. I sleep with three lights on and wake up feeling confused. I stare at my dog-eared book on the bedside table. Empty. I feel empty. I hate waking up early. If the sun is all that great then I really don't want to compete with it.
I take the bus every morning. And they stare. They always stare. I tilt my head up higher, and swag like I signed up for the next top model. Sometimes they make funny noises when I sit in front of them. Making sounds like they are in the throes of passion, oblivious to the surrounding when in fact all was deliberate. Boy, he's really screwing himself literally, I didn't even have to tell him to. There were days when they amp up their PDAs when I sit right behind them. I want to shoot them dead. run a truck over them and scream "ignorant bastard" out the screen as I run them over and over and over and over again, Frank Miller style. Some days I walk past them and they mumble indecencies and obscenities. Profanities running over and over in my own head, Quentin Tarantino style. Stares. Insults. Mock.
I am back in bed. Seeking solitude. But I am afraid of being alone. I seek attention. But hates company. I hate baring my soul. That's one great wall of china I hope no one gets through.

I'm bored..... and I need my fix of caffeine bad.

Monday, April 19, 2010


You mr. I'm talking about you.
You walk into the class with your swag and skinny jeans
With your head bent over your work
and your finger doing the jag and dance with the pencil
And your small smile, when you talk
Your eyes a little too bright

Score one more mr rowie
How did you get so smart?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

midnight bottle

At midnight I break
And just had to talk to you
I long to hear your voice
I hate myself for being emotionally crippled
when I'm in front of you
Because deep inside I just want to show
how much I miss you too
but I don't know how
Just another barrier to break
I only dare to cry when we are 5000 miles away

p/s: wuhu... homesick.. :'(

Saturday, February 20, 2010

addled in Adelaide

7 days in Adelaide. Which means, a week already.
Funny, while I was riding the bus and sometimes I'll be thinking, "Gosh, I'm in Australia!". It still feels like a dream. It's my first summer ever, and boy the Mr Sun just couldn't be friendlier! Each day, the temperature just climbs to a greater degree. Communication became a problem at first, (still does a little sometimes. Confidence just takes some time to build ya know?) because my brain was addled by the heat and the blindingly beautiful scenery around me. I can't even say a proper 'hello'and ýes' and 'no' because I spent two months at home NOT polishing my english and NOT training my ears to the lilting accent of the Aussies. Yeaaas, sir, me speakk eeengleeeshhh.

Back to basic.
Getting around was adventurous to say the least. Each one of us carried big ass handbags. (one that just HAVE to fit 2 bottles for : 1) drinking. because it's hot and dry as hell here. 2) toilet bottle. yes. u geddit? because they dont have a friggin tap inside the stall near the john like we have in Msia.'
so that alone requires a lot of space in our handbags. What else do we need? Purse, handphone, map, bus timetable,adress book,passport, sunblock, lip balm, moisturiser.... Because it's friggin dry here!
Oh yeah, and we usually get around city and the suburbs by bus and also walking... So you can just imagine the exhaustion la... And the heat... Oh, the heat... :P

Around here we have this cool transport called O-Bahn. It's like a bus that can change into a trem once it gets around the suburbs. O-Bahn only goes around in the East side of South Australia. :D
Jakun laa weyh... ====>
( >__<)
The first few days here were a bit of a problem to us. We were very confused with the no of buses we're suppose to take, and which stop to go to... Which street the stop is situated in the city. East side or West? That kinda of problem. Fortunately, the city isn't very big. In two day's time all 9 of us can already give directions up and about the city. Our only evil cryptonite is the suburban area.
I know Adelaide is a planned city and all.. places are supposed to be very alligned to each other, and the map is quite easy to understand because everything on the map look square-ish. But the suburbs have lots of small junctions and street in between. Unless we Google-mapped first, everything would get very hair-wired.

Ah... a topic I'd rather not explain. The situation is pretty hairy at the moment. We just pray our hardest for our length of stay at our senior's house isn't gonna be that long. As of now, we're okay with camping on our senior's living room. But really, we hate to become a liability and we really need a house BAD.
The houses we have looked at so far were good. Well, most of them are. But the problem is sometimes we don;t like the price of the rent. Sometimes the house is far from any bus stops. Two houses that we like so far haven't had the agent call us back and these houses are SUPERB wey.. We have already fallen in love at the first sight of them, but yeah... Que sera sera! Let's just pray for the best!

Halal food.
Yiros kebab. Coles market. Nando's. And our favourite so far, Swinging Bowl.
It's a malay restaurant, siap dengan nasi campur and all that. Lauk ayam masak lemak, masak rendang, masak kari, sayur campur. Swinging bowl translates into Mangkuk Hayun and we meet a lot of student from Malaysia there too!

hoho... well, ok. that's it for now! Penat la. it's already 2 am and i just spent my whole day walking from around the city and suburbs of S.A.
More to come!! :D

Thursday, February 11, 2010

tiger. valentine's. apple. australia

Because Chinese New Year is this Saturday. To those who celebrate, may you enjoy your holiday. To my friends who are going to Australia and won't have the chance to celebrate this day with family, friends and loved ones, still, Gong Xi Fa Chai. Spend your time well before you go. :)

I don't celebrate Valentine's. But still, it's nice to know that we still have love in this convoluted world. Not everything is bad.

For Fiona. I just love her voice. Taking a break from disco, techno, rocking song for a while and just enjoying a nice combination of blues and jazz. Been feeling a little morose, but that's only normal I suppose.
Here's a little Fiona Apple for this year's Valentine's.

i'm sentimental so I walk in the rain
i've got some habits even I can't explain
i go to the corner, but i end up in spain
why try to change me now
i sit and daydream
i've got daydreams galore
cigarette ashes
there they go on the floor
go away weekends
leave my keys in the door
why try to change me now

why cant i be more conventional
people stop and they stare
so i try
but that can't be
cuz i can't see
my strange little world
just go passing me by
let people wonder
let them laugh, let them frown
you know i love you till the moon's upside down
don't you remember
i was always your clown
why try to change me now

why would you change me
why try to change me now

Is where I would be in two days, God's willing. Don't say goodbye. But until we meet again..

Monday, February 8, 2010

calm storm

The air is crackling with tension, the wind feels a little heavy and blows a tad too strong.
In the sky, a swirling pool of dark clouds begin to form, and everyone around gets an eerie premonition of something sinister that's brewing in the town.
And there I sit in the eye of tornado. Surrounded by calamitous storm and chaos.
Calm and peace is all I ever ask for.

If there ever was a wish of mine that never came true
is of adults that can't be calm and have panic attacks all the time
I am young and I'm scared
I can't cry out for help from someone who is drowning with fear too
Painfully waiting day by day
Hoping not to just get by but for something to get better
for a progress

all noises blocked out
I deafen myself for my heart and pride couldn't suffer through
another beatings and abuse
mentally checking my temper
keeping my expression neutral
soothing words for my own ears
because no other would believe what mine own wouldn't call lies

please stop putting all the blames on me


I took a detour down memory lane. But not virtually, I was there.
I was at first torn between doing what was right, and doing what I wanted. Curiosity got the best of me in the end.
I gave in. I agreed.
While I was waiting, I was sorely tempted to just scream uncle and run. To stood her up.
But, that would be very bitchy of me, after I have already agreed to the 'date'. Today's purpose was to prove otherwise, not reinforce. (I'm not a bitch, honest.)
So I went.
I met.
We met.
We talked.
We were awkward.

Surprisingly, it went okay.
It was not exactly fun, but it was nice.
Our conversation was laced with silences (at least to me) sometimes, but I didn't exactly feel uncomfortable sitting beside her, talking and eating side by side. I was relieved. We were very civil and polite. To be honest, I at least expected something to lash out from either one of us. I would be lying if I said I didn't anticipate the dam to just break free. But no.
No skeletons were dug out.
Our conversations were very safe, we threaded our words carefully as if they were fragile. My smile and laughters were not engineered as well. I didn't feel restrained from being myself.
What I do find odd was the way her eyes avoided from looking straight into mine. I have the habit of looking someone in their eyes while having conversation, (that is, if I want to have the conversation) but I kept finding hers staring at anything but mine.
Which gives me nothing to speculate on unless I start assuming things but assuming makes an ass out of me and her, but the irony is I am already assuming things aren't I?

It seems that I was worrying over nothing being that everything went smoothly.
I feel good.
I didn't chicken out.
I'm taking baby steps to sweeten up what went sour in the past. Trying to not make it too hard on myself because I'm just a normal human being who make mistakes.
Que sera sera.

Saturday, February 6, 2010


Call an ambulance, I want to get better.
I think I have been focusing on the wrong thing.
I want to feel what's right. :)

Friday, February 5, 2010


Three things I wish to highlight in this post:

1. Run

Some things make you good. Some make you bad. Run from the things that's no good for you.
Run like I did.
Before it's too late.

2. Old pain, post-traumatic.

Why do I feel like screaming? again.
Don't apologize, I don't even know why I did what I did.
I only know what you did.
Apology accepted, now will you move on and leave me alone?

3. Pretend

Do i have to put on a facade? A plastic smile on my lips will tell you that everything is fine. A front will only make you judge me further, revealing my true self will make you turn and shake your head in disgust and disapproval. Nothing can ever satisfy you.
If I may say, I'd rather be myself, at least I do it with a little dignity and my pride intact.


i wish he was you

Thursday, February 4, 2010

ampun, tok, janji x buat lagi!

Kalau buat baek, orang ingat sekejap je.. Nanti pupus laa ingatan orang terhadap jasa baik kite. Tapi rasenye2 kalau aq buat jahat, memang pegi mane2 mesti kene batang hidung sendiri balik!!!

Huaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahhahah~~~ >.<

Saye janji xkan buat jahat lagiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!
Siyes, I swear!
Saye akan bagi clean slate. Jangan sebut 'bende' tu depan aq lagi.. Hahahah.. :P
Let me start afresh? Pretty please? ;;)

Okay, move on people!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010


hahaha... In my Facebook profile, a quiz on "who's your TWILIGHT boy" is on display.
And when abah saw this, he was like,


Remind me to not put any crap on display in Fb profile. :)

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

merci beaucoup

My life wouldn't be as easy as it is now without mak and abah. :)
Overall, sebenarnye saye sgt luckyyyyy~~~~~ ^_^
Alhamdulillah. I know some people don't have it easy. And I may not have it all, but what I have is enough. Sometimes more than enough. My life isn't tough because there people for me to fall back on.
Senang. Memang laa x selalu meminta sangat dengan mak abah, but sometimes bile mintak and reasonable, boleh dapat. Oh, xla to the extend of petik jari je dapat. Gile kene baling periuk aq macam tu! But saye sgt2 bersyukur ade mak abah yang boleh provide for their children when they need it. I have to be more careful and work harder to not burden them by asking for more in the future!!! >.<

I was worried actually preparing for departure. When I ask my friends who are also doing architecture I suddenly realised that damn this course requires quite an expenditure!!!!
Pening fikir nak pakai laptop yang competant,camera,sketching pencils,pen, etc etc..
Klaw depend on duit scholar je.. Um,,payah jugak tuu...
But as I voiced my worries to my parents they were sort of cool with it.
"They will be taken care of", according to them.
Wow, I must tell you, I felt guilty and also relieved at the same time....
I cannot help but think about those who are less fortunate than me and if their parents are able to say such thing so candidly and carelessly.

I hate to think that I'm spoiled. Well, if I am then I suppose I'm only spoiled on average.
But ma, abah.
Thank you...
I am grateful. ^_^

i am a beggar always
who begs in your mind
(slightly smiling, patient, unspeaking
with a sign on his
BLIND)yes i
am this person of whom somehow
you are never wholly rid(and who
does not ask for more than
just enough dreams to
live on)
-e.e cummings

Monday, February 1, 2010

ahoy mate!

Received a SUPER great news from my friend!!!! :D
I was literally jumping with joy when I heard it! Ah, but the greatness of having friends. When they are happy you are happy for them and with them too.

It boggles me that I've got less than 2 weeks before I go to the land down under!!!
Waaahhh~~ where did all the hours and seconds go to?
It's so mental! I feel sick with anticipation. Dread and excitement is coursing through my veins for what is yet to come!! Jeng jeng~

Um, anyways.

I still feel a little sad by the fact that my sister won't be able to send me off. I mean, it will be a long time before I get to see her again. I miss her very dearly. But oh well, touche! Because I wasn't there when she was flying off to Indonesia 2 years ago.

(Have to pack my things now.. 20kg only ah??? Aiyaaa.. Die lahh!

Saturday, January 23, 2010

long distance everything

Had a talk with my best friend the other day. As always we would talk about what 'will' be. Truth is, we have this conversation everytime my life take a turn for big canges. and everytime, the conversation always feel like one of those in shrink-patient scene.

We agreed that blogging would be a perfect way to let each other know what happens to the other party. (I suck at communicating through a device called telephone and I suck equally at ym-ing or skype-ing).
Actually, I'm just too good at long distance relationship. Pfft.
Really. I could go on not worrying myself if I didn't know what was happening to the 'other person'. Blame it on my optimism. 'Ignorant' really is a harsh word.

Told you I'm good at this huh?
Too good in fact that if anyone didn't know me better, I'd be accused of being a snob,anti-social or that I just couldn't care less.
Yep, I've heard it all before. Tired of making excuses for myself. Sometimes I think what they say is just soo dead-on!

Try convincing someone you that you care for them and that while occasionally you do forget about them and just because you don't call them, it doesn't change the fact that yes, you miss them, and yes, they mean a lot to you.
Because that cliche-d line in cheesy romantic movies;
"Just because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't feel it"
doesn't work as easily as it seems........

Which explains why I get a stream of curses thrown at me every single time based on the crime of not picking up the phone first.

If I have a real shrink in front of me, I'd ask him to tell me if it reaally is an ego thing. Maybe it's a rejection thing.
You know,if you don't call them first you wouldn't know if they didn't pick up the phone because they don't want you, or because they're too busy to spare some nanosecond time with you. Either way, not trying seems a lot easier and the plus is you wouldn't know anything about being rejected because you rejected them first.

Wow, I don't need a shrink after all! I could do it all by myself.
I should've taken psychiatric indeed what with my phsycho-analysing and shit.

But at least now I know the people who are still in my life are either blood-bound or they really want to be with me despite being rejected. (not I intentionally reject them. it's subconciously). And that they're a lot stronger than I am. Or maybe they're just too annoying to let me off the hook. Hahaha... I'm kidding.
I'm glad you didn't let me go simply because I wouldn't call.
Sometimes the solution is to just call me if you know I wouldn't. :P

No lah.. Seriously, I'll try harder. But if I fail, I hope you won't give up on me.
Because I'm good at long distance everything, remember? :)

united states of euphoria

We can't be happy all the time. But at least we can try. Because no one wants to be sad. The less we think about it, the more we can just be.

Friday, January 22, 2010

gender-interest stereotypes

Whoah, my favourite topic. Gender issues. Yaayyy!
Ever had one of those conversations with other people where they ask you about your hobbies or interests where they go:

Jane Doe: Yeah, so what do you do in your free time?
Me: Anything i guess..
Jane Doe: Play any musical instrument?
Me: Um... Keyboard,but I suck at it. I've always wanted to play a bass though....
Jane Doe: *raised eyebrows* BASS huh??

Oh, how irksome it is to have someone questioning your interests just because it doesn't 'behoove' your gender to have so-and-so interest/hobbies. >.<
You'd think people would open their narrow mind once in a while and not look at you like you're an oddball... Ngeh.
I even hear THIS sometimes which I think is absolutely silly and preposterous:

"You listen to that? I thought that's a guy kinda music."

Seriously, what does that even mean?Music is supposed to be universal, so universal in fact that it overcomes language barriers all over the world but it could NOT transcends GENDER? Bah.

That's a load of bull if you ask me. Interests are interests.You don't have to adopt a hobby because it suits your sex. Really, I've always wanted to learn how to play bass. Not because it's 'cool', or because "That's how I roll". I simply like the sound of that sexy instrument. Because it sounds deeper and...sexaayyyy...

But of course lah there shouldn't be any "Only a boy should do that." "Only fags listen to classical music because Mozart was also a fag." "Oh, girls shouldn't listen to such violent songs because we are so,so delicate...." =p

Come on people!! I just wanna listen to some rock n roll and not just dance on my ballerina shoes~~~ cut me some slack will yaaaaa....

p/s: d'arcy wretzky of the smashing pumpkins. <3

chasing something

This state of nothing-ness is fast coming to an end! Mwarrr~ ^__^
Finally something to really look forward to and I don't mean waiting for result to come out or the long awaited emails and letters than seem to take ages to be delivered to you.
Oh well.

Never mind that, but I've been feeling so pumped up lately~~ YEAH!
Before, I was almost an empty shell. Walking around in a state of idiocy and plastic joy. Real fun comes when you have something to look forward to. A human would be empty without any of these things I believe: Religion, dreams and who wants to guess what else?
Lurrveeee lah what else? =p

Dang, I dont want to risk sounding like some corny moron. So let's stop at that. Put simply, you gotta be chasing something in life or at least have a purpose. I certainly don't want to waste my whole life figuring what I want to do. Why don't I just jump headfirst into the water and figure it out along the way rather than trying to figure it all so hard than I forgot to even experience life.
Life so far isn't quite as hard as I imagine it would be. But maybe I've been lucky all these while. Gotta appreciate this to the fullest no? You never know when life would start throwing shitload of lemons instead of peaches at you!


Been checking out my school senior's deviantart gallery. Mi~~ <3
I've always felt a certain awe towards her.. I mean, not her, but at what she can do. She's darn good!!! She's probably not the best there is, (but compared to me.. oh boyyy) I know there must be about gazillion talented geniuses out there. But she's someone I know and I wanna start off by surpassing someone who isn't a total stranger.
Yeah, I'm pretty competitive. Rawr~ =p

You can check out some of her art jam work. WARNING. They may contain mature content or images. It's not so bad, but some people are touchy about this obscenity thingy... But mostly they're pretty cool and cute. Browse at your own risk, prudss! ^_^

p/s: Sorry Nana, but I refuse to give u my ID. I'll show u some of my work when I'm rich and famous and successful as an architect one day. hahaha.... :PP

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

dusty and rusty

Omygod, I have finally retrieved my deviantart password back. And when I looked at all the drawings I in my gallery, only one word popped out inside my brain and the word is DUSTY. >.<
Fah. Must have been about 2 years since I last updated it. I'm pretty sure I can't even draw a straight line now....

You know that feeling when you kinda remember something good and your heart starts pounding reaaallly fast? That's exactly how I feel when I looked back at all my past work stashed behind the table in my room. The re-discovery of passion towards something. In my case, it's drawing. Well, okay, most of the time it's just sketching because sometimes I 'couldn't' get around to actually drawing it properly. ( Me being lazy. Go figure.) Ngeh.


p/s: it's ugleyyhhhh!!! gotta work harder... >.<

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

things i can't say

I guess I will see you after all...
I just don't think it's good to go on like this. Nadon is right. Resentment is poison. The world would be a beautiful place if all human feel a lot less of resentment. Wow that sounds unrealistic.
But hating someone is tiring..
Why do people say that hating is easier? *sigh*
Now how am I suppose to act in front of you?
Is there a right way to talk to somebody?

I think I will wish you all the best.

What I can't say is that, I think even under a different circumstances we still couldn't get each other. I hope you won't try because I don't want you to.

Monday, January 18, 2010

babe ruthless

Jyeah for another inspirational film like this one. Kudos ex-wild-celebrity-child Drew Berrymore on her directional debut. :)
I guess what I like about this film the most is that although a person is a social misfit, if a person look for it hard enough, she'll find her niche where there's only acceptance and laughter.
And Ellen Page is just too cute for anyone to miss this.
Love the toy boy, love the poster girl, love the T-shirt, and I so love the ass-kicking part.

p/s: can i just say, the swimming pool scene?? sexy. :)

toing toing~

I give frequently but I seldom take.

And trust is a commodity that many seek but can never have.


Sunday, January 17, 2010

don't wanna see u

Berdepan dgn masalah.. :'(
Macam mane korang bagitau someone yang korang xnak jumpe him/her?

This is how the story goes. Aq ade sorang member ni. Honestly, dy x rapat sgt dengan aq. Honestly jugak, aq x brape suke dy. Aq xtawu ape perasaan dy kat aq, tapi aq rase dy x suke aq. Senang kate, last time, when we were together, ade gelombang2 dan aura2 x sedap antare aq ngan dy. Tapi both of us sort of just ignore each other dan tidak menghadapi konfrontasi. Tapi mase kitorang bawak haluan masing2, memang dah bermaaf-maafan. Aq memaafkan prasaan x elok yg we had towards each other dulu. But.. I know myself better than anyone. Sometimes kite nak maafkan seseorang tu, tapi hati kite masih marah lagi.
Mungkin kite bermaaf-maafan mase tu pun sebab it was coming to an end and we might not see each other again.
Ikhlas ke aq dan kau???
It's hard to be around that person because inside my mind I keep on replaying and rewinding the hurt and resentment I felt towards said person.

Bukan la aq benci kat dy. Tapi senang kate, aq memang susah jugak kot nak NGAM ngan dy. Wavelength x same. Circumstances made us friends. But I don't think that we're real friends. Because friends just don't do..... The things we did to each other.
I cannot come to terms to the things she said to me.
I cannot come to terms to the accusations that was not said to me, but was thought of by everyone at that time anyway. I know because it was in their eyes. The misunderstanding was so deep that I could do nothing but cry.

Sume tu dah xpenting skarang. Tapi aq betul2 rase xnak berdepan dgn dy lagi dah...
Dy kate nak jumpe aq bwat kali terakhir sebelum aq pergi ke Australia. Dy tanye seolah2 memintak permission aq sebelum aq pergi. Dy jugak bertanye seolah2 dy betul2 berharap nak jumpe dgn aq seblum aq pergi.
Waaaarghhhhhhh~~~~ Help meeeeeee!
Aq pun insyaallah, dah nak pegi ke negare orang. In the future, blum tentu aq boleh jumpe dgn dy lagi. Tapi aq takut sgt2.
Aq xnak get hurt by what that person may say to me again. It was something I just want to put behind me and never deal with again, and never see again, and never feel again!

Jujur aq cakap, aq masih lagi x boleh lupekan ke-hipokrasi-an kau sebab kau hipokritlah kau pijak aq depan semua orang. For 3 months long. For 3 goddamn months long I was alone and scared and resented and rejected and judged and i dunno!!!, in pain so much that I did everything just to distract myself from those judging eyes of human beings who think they know everything but really, they know nada about.

Notice the bitter resentment in my tone? Reflects my feelings exactly.

Xnak jumpe kau lagi. Tapi aq xnak kau tau yang aq masih x suke kat kau. Argh..
Just say NO nad. Ingat x yang aq ade masalah nak say no to someone?
Say no. Say no. But.... Is it the right choice?
Maafkan jelah orang tu natto..
It's better than being in pain and indebted to someone. It's better to remember the good things and forgive and forget the bad.

Tapi manusia biase mcm aq ni menghadapi masalah mcm ni jugak. :'(
Plz give advice friends? Because I'm torn between doing what's right and avoiding something that just might hurt me again.


Friday, January 15, 2010


lady luck is smiling on me
before me is a tunnel of light
what is it going to be?
will it be a garden of paradise
or the deepest abyst of hell
either way
i'm going to find out

i'm going to lie down in a bed of roses
and with some luck i may escape
the pricking of thorns
for the sweet fragrance
is a temptation I cannot resist

Now let's see where this train is taking me to.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

taking chances

what do you say to taking chances?what do you say to jumping of the edge never knowing if there's solid ground below, or hand to hold, or hell to pay.

~Taking chances. Currently my favourite song. :)
You're wasting your time reading this blog. It says so in the URL. go figure. :P

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

play doctor and playboy.

Ye, saye suke tgk HOUSE M.D.


Ye, saye suke tgk HOUSE BUNNY.

NO, x bermaksud saye nak JADI PLAYBOY BUNNY.


I'm pretty sure we're not short on doctors in Malaysia. Gee, i dunno. I'm just saying. But i'm pretty sure, agak konfem, bahawe FAMILY aq sangat penuh dengan para DOKTOR2 sekalian.

I'm an asshole for not wanting to go to med school and stick my finger up someone's ass???

So what! I'm still a rock star!

erbs... yet another emo post reflecting my state of emo-ness!

yeahh... when are people gonna start accepting me for what i'm passionate about?

cheese and macaroni!!!! im going crazyyyyyy~

Monday, January 11, 2010

sir jamie oliver

Sape kat sini suke memasak??? Angkat tangan please.

Sebab aq x suke memasak. Haha... Aq x suke memasak especially kalau org suruh aq masakkan untuk dyrang. Ahhh, banyak cikadak kau?? Kau yg nak makan, kau pegi la masak megi kari ke ape, byk cantek kau nak suruh aq masakkan. Huh.

Sungguh aq cakap same lu, memasak tu buat i berpeluh2. Panas u...

Dah la kene berdiri lame2, saket tumit dy lagi teruk drpd aq shopping 5 jam.

Tabik kat orang yang pandai masak. Sebab aq pandai makan je. :)

Sebenarnye mase kecik2 dulu, aq berminat gile nak memasak. Tapi mase aq umur 6-7 tahun dulu, aq suke berdiri kat dapur untuk tgk time bibik aq masak dulu. *dulu aq berbibik, tapi skarang dah xde dah* Tapi bibik aq ni dulu garang cam singe betine lapar. Dy kate aq "MENYEMAK" bile aq curious tengok dy memasak dulu. Cipan kau!

Lepas tu, bile bibik aq tu dah di-fired oleh maharani rumah aq ni, aq pulak tolong maharani memasak. Tapi, apekan daya aq.. Mak aq garang jugak sebenarnye. Aq kalaw bab masak2 ni dulu amateur cket. Bawang nak hiris ngan potong membulat pun aq x reti. Mak aq suruh tutup periuk, aq pegi tutup api dapur... Nak menyanyi dalam dapur pun x boleh. Nanti 'overcooked' laa, dapur terbakar laa orang kate... Yada yada yada, last2 kene marah gak ngan mak aq mase tolong2 dy memasak dulu last2 aq pun malas laa nak memasak lagi. Asyik kene marah je, aq pun bosan jugak. Aq menerima dgn redha bhawe aq xde talent untuk memasak...

*abang aq lagi pandai memasak dari aq! ceit! nasi goreng dy aq bagitawu korang, memang best tahap cipan. bagi aq la... :P

Tapi aq ade secret yang x seberape secret nak bagitau. Aq suke tgk lelaki memasak especially lelaki yang bername Jamie Oliver itu... Haha..

Sir Jamie, tolong lah ajar saye memasak. *bat eyelash*. Aq kan duduk kat jb, so kitorang dpt curik line singapore. Channel 5 tuh channel singapore la. Petang2 dy slalu tunjuk Jamie Oliver's show. Aq follow from Jamie tu single, sampai lah dy dah kawen dgn girlfriend dy dan ade sorang daughter. Saye nak Jamie Oliver. <3 Hahaha~

And NOW. Cuti 2 bulan. Boring, aq x tawu nak buat ape kat rumah. Aq dah re-run sume cite hindustan yang ade kat rumah aq ni, the Mentalist season 1 dah abis tengok, Gossip Girl season 2 rerun, dengan GLEE! season 1 pun aq dah habis tgk jugak... Jadi ape yang aq buat skarang ni????

Aq memasak.

Yeah baby yeah. Tahap kebosanan aq ialah, sampai macam tu sekali. Tengah hari ok lagi, aq bukak Faceook, aq twitter, tgk movie ke ape kan.. Kalau mmber ajak kuar, aq pun kuar dari rumah. Tapi kalau aq duduk rumah, petang2 dalam pukul 5-6 tu.... Bowsan dy... Astaga... Sampai nak menangis jugak lah bosan dy. Aq nak kuar jalan2 amek angin, cycling around neighbourhood kat sini... But NOooooOooo..

Perempuan bahaye kuar rumah sorang2 la, nak pegi kedai depan rumah pun x boleh, cycling pun x boleh sebab takut kene snatch masuk van lah... Perogol sini sane, perompak, pencurik, penjahat, pembunuh, semua evil villain keluar daaa.... Aq malas nak pk banyak2, last2 aq masuk dapur, bukak oven.


Aq buat vanilla cupcakes, chocolate cupcakes, mars bars cupcakes, toffee apple tart, dan lasagna. YES! Ok, tapi honestly, yang aq buat first time betul-betul jadik ialah chocolate cupcakes dgn mars bars cupcakes je. Vanilla cupcakes tu keras sgt aq buat, lasagna pulak mcm ade hangus cket topping cheddar cheese dy, yang toffee apple tart tu pulak filling dy memang best... Tapi dough dy keras cam biskut. Like, it's my first time buat dough okay.... So kalau Jamie Oliver jadi cikgu aq pun mesti dy bangge dengan pencapaian aq ni. YATTA~! :D

Sir Jamie, disebabkan saye terlalu bosan jugak, saye telah masuk kelas baking pade setiap hari Sabtu PAGI. *Gile aq ni.. Who the heck wakes up in the morning on Saturdays??
Sir Jamie, disebabkan saye masak, saye jugaklah yang makan ape yang saye masak; saye sangat takut.....
Takut tailored trousers and blazer aq tak muat nanti~~~~ >.<

But Sir Jamie. I hope you're proud of me. :)

p/s: Oh ye.. Sape2 nak gelak kat aq sebab aq memasak, meh sini aq bitch-slap engkau. Aq memasak je pun, bukannye pegi bunuh orang. Xpayah jakun sangat boleh x?? Tenkiu! ^_^

Saturday, January 9, 2010


Baru2 ni perasaan aq mcm tunggang langgang cket..
Dah nak 2 bulan duduk rumah ni, biar laa aq nak cite cket pasal satu bende yang aq mmg susah tahap cipan gile nak control~~
Ye, saye cume manusia biase yang kadang2 boleh hilang sabar. Kadang2 boleh control jugak, tapi waalaaaweiii susah kott...
Aq kene let it out ni, and aq tawu lepas ni maybe ade yang pk mcm2 psl aq, judge sini sane.. blablabla... aq x kesah, silelah judge. Korang pun bukan betul sgt kan? ade hati nak judge orang, prejudis la, yadayadayada... HUH. Aq dah malas nak pk lagi psl ape orang nak pk pasal aq. Silap2 boleh saket jiwa~~ wahaha...

1. Pasal kesabaran.
Pelik x kalau aq cakap ngan korang yang bab2 bersabar ngan kawan, aq kire bereputasi tinggi jugak lah. Tapi kalau dengan keluarga sendiri, x kire laa parents ke, adek beradek ke, makcik2 pakcik2 ke, susah siot nak bersabar! Susah~~ *dengan gaye franky*
Alasan aq senang je, sbb kalau ngan member2, kalau dyrang buat perangai bukan2 ngan aq, aq cume pk maybe ade sesuatu psl dy yang kite belum betul2 kenal. Mungkin dy ade sebab mengape dy berkelakuan mcm setan.. Masalah family ke, peribadi ke.. We don't know kan? So, ok, fine, aq bersabar. Tapi bile bab dgn family sndiri... adoii, camne aq nak ckp ha? Kadang2 tu menyedihkan bile family members sendiri x mengenali diri kite. Kadang2 aq rase kawan lagi kenal sape aq sebenarnye. Aq rase tu yang buat aq susah nak sabar dgn ahli keluarge sndiri.

2. Pasal kepercayaan.
BUKAN psl religious belief. Aq dah malas nak pk dan komen psl ape yang kluar dlm berita baru2 ni. Aq juz hope and pray yang Malaysia akan terus aman dan damai. Kepercayaan kat sini berkenaan dengan trust.

Aq x tawu mcm mane nak cakap lagi wey. Aq sedih, aq dah penat dah nak nanges dan marah psl bende ni lagi. :'(
Korang rase sedih x bile korang x dipercayai?
Aq x tawu dah kenape, aq ni bangang sgt ke? X boleh dipercayai sgt ke? Perangai aq ni biol mcm setan sgt ke?
Sometimes markah 85.3 tu x mencukupi sesiapa. Tapi aq pedulik ape, janji cukup untuk aq dah laa. Aq bukan the 'best student' dalam kelas, atau kolej, tapi aq bangge dgn sape diri aq.
Sedih kadang2 dengar drpd mulut orang yg kite paling rapat yang kite x di-expect untuk mencapai kecemerlangan, padahal kawan2 sendiri percaye yang kite ni kuat dan boleh berjaye.

Kadang2 aq harap sangat2 ape yang dyrang cakap xkan menjatuhkan aq.
Tapi kadang2 aq dah bosan bile semua bende yang aq bwat is to prove something to someone.
Aq xnak prove something to someone dah. Aq pun dah lame berhenti buat mcm tu.
Cukup kalau aq dapat mmbuktikan sesuatu kepade diri aq sndiri.
Aq tawu aq selfish, tapi aq jujur bile aq cakap ape yang buat semua ni, hanyelah untuk diri aq sendiri. Bukan untuk diri orang laen.
Mungkin jugak untuk negare, agama dan untuk berbakti kepade masyarakat.
Tapi aq hanye akan buat sesutu yang memenuhi diri aq.
Aq xkan buat sesuatu yang memenuhi kehendak atau kemahuan orang laen.
Ape gunenye aq buat sesutu yang akhirnya aq xkan rase gembire? Mcm bangang je.
Aq jugak xkan jadik orang laen semate2 untuk ditunjuk-tunjukkan pade org laen.
Sebab at the end of the day, kite jugak yg akan menyesal.

Sebab tu lah... Bile aq dah pilih jalan ni, ape2 yang terjadi in the future, aq xkan menyalahkan orang laen. I made my choice. Sometimes all I need is for you to have a little faith in me.

P/s: dan aq bersyukur dgn sokongan yg korang dah bagi selame ni. Wpun mungkin ni bukan kemahuan korang, tapi aq serius harap korang menerima kemahuan aq.

Post xnak EMO habes kan?
Sory, just one quick post due to the sudden, swift change of my mood.


I don't know where else to say this. Pardon the profanity.

to a friend

You may feel lonely now but if you have opened the door and leave it unlocked, you'll hear a knocking on that door which you have been missing for so long.
Saturday night. An hour, a day, a week, a month, a year will come and pass.
I'll pray this love will last.
So be strong! And have faith.


Friday, January 8, 2010

gotta learn how to say NO.

I'm officially a dum-dum.
I might have just gotten out from college and done with Ausmat, but one thing I have not learned just yet is how to just. say. NO.

Say no, nad! Seriously!
If you've already made an appointment with one party,
you DO NOT need to agree to another one that could coincide with the former appointment.

I know I sound like such a weakling. Don't deny it, please, to anyone who's reading this now.
It's awful to not be able to say no! I have always been like this. Since school. And it's a weakness that I'm so ashamed of, so very hate, because you're probably thinking that I get pushed around.
But, I think I'm not? But am i?? CAN anyone answer that question please????

Because I enjoy doing what I do!

In secondary school, I joined 3 clubs. And, yeah, I have problems when the meeting is held on the same day, at the same time. I remember on the odd saturdays where i attend the meetings, and I kind of have to run around from one building to another. Running from 3rd floor to the music room on the first floor, and then to the choir club on the next building, and back to ELS on the 3rd. Ha-bloody-ha, and when there's a formal occassion in the main hall, I had to quickly run backstage after the opening caklempong (a music instrument very much like gamelan), and make a mad dash after changing my clothes to join the choir for the 'in-between.'

I didn't join all that because I feel like I had to,honestly because I wanted too.
But I guess biting more than you can chew is asking too much huh?
Maybe I'm greedy. That's why I keep saying yes, oui, si to all the good things that came my way.
Good things, which, if taken in moderation is okay, but I'm not taking it in moderation!

Like when I promised Nana that I would watch movie with her. But I also agreed to watch movie with my classmates. So in the end I didn't get to watch Jennifer's Body with Nana.. I still feel bad because I promised you. And I broke it. I did want to watch it with you. It was not the movie part that is so important, it's the part where I would spend my time time with you and I didn't that made my regret it so. :'(
Sorry nana... sob sob.

Oh, and last raya. Same case. Agreed to meet my closest friends, and ended up not meeting them because I went out with another crowd. Because I thought I was a wise-ass.
Thought that I could manage both you know?
Like, somehow maybe.. I could have the cake and eat it too.

I'm such a sad excuse for a living human being.

Now, I have to choose. To singapore? Or to Kl?
Which izzit gona be kiddo? Because you know you can't say YES to both of them.
You know you have to dissapoint someone, or else you'll end up dissapointing everyone. Including yourself.

Nad, don't be greedy ok!! Having a fun is better than having no fun at all!