free to be. =)

pernah x korang tgk cermin pastu trlintas kat fikiran korang, "sapekah aku ni sebenarnye?'
rate2 almost semua orang penah rasekan benda ni. especially time2 kat sekolah menegah dulu kan? mase sume tgh muda mudi dulu, zaman2 korang tgh 'soul searching' laa katekan.... haha~

teringat mase dulu2. aku rase dlm byk2 orang, akulah yang paling mcm ade masalah identiti cket kot. unsure of who i'm suppose to be.
salah satu sebab mungkin memang dlm nature aq untuk 'rebel' cket. heheh.. nakal, pastu keras kepale. aq suke meng-'kontradik' org. org ckp mcm ni, aku akan SENGAJE bwat the other way round. entah! mcm best je? =p

mase kecik2 dulu nakal sgt. slalu bwat masalah. hahahhh.. tapi bile dah kene rotan ngan abah, kene marah ngan mak, menangis x henti2. gembeng kotttt... hahah~ ye, aq mmg suke menangis. aq rase it's a good way to just let it out. pastu dah lepas nangis,tido-pastu everything will feel much better.

I used to be tomboyish. Siyes x tipu. Nak pkai baju kurung tu, punye la susah. Seluar je memanjang. Rambut x penah nak simpan panjang. T-shirt2 aq dulu sume t-shirt budak lelaki. Shopping t-shirt raye ngan mak aq mase kecik2, aq akan pegi straight to section budak laki2. Actually, even skang pun aq rase men's t-shirt are waaay cooler drpd girl's nye t-shirt. Haish. Jeles btul lah. Aq berjanji in the future, aq akan menghadiahkan boyfren aq t-shirt shaje. If i can't wear it, then u have to wear it! Ahhaa~ kejam x??
Skang ni alhamdulillah, lebih keperempuanan. Setelah blajar selame 11 tahun di sekolah perempuan, aq berjaye jugak di-influence ntuk menjadik lebih girlish.

But i still don't like teddy bears. And the colour pink, unless it's Hot pink. Klaw laa korang nmpk aq pkai kaler soft pink, sumpah aq ckp, aq terpakse.

aq ske menyanyi. =D
kat rumah, aku suke karaoke sorang2, melalak-lalak sambil dgr earphone, abah kat bawah tgh TV akan sound, "Oi, ape syok sendiri sgt tu???!!" pastu, dlm bilik, pegang botol bedak (konon2 mikrofon laa) pstu nyanyi lagu mariah carey. ahha~~ lawaknye!
lagu yang aq dengar pulak kadang2 "agak menakutkan" bak kate Tati dan Ya (housemate 69).
ehehh~~ kadang2 dyrang lepak dlm bilik aq, pastu dyrang akan ckp,
"Ya Allah!! ni lagu ape awak dgr ni nad???" Aq sengih nampak gigi je laa. =D
aq kesian jugak dekat Ya, sbb dy terpakse mendengar satu2 lagu tu wpun kkdang dy x minat lagu mcm tu. Lagu jazz, bossa nova, rock metal, indie, disco pop (Lady Gaga!!!!),brit-pop... Lagu aq berubah2 ikut mood dan keadaan. Maaf ya!! muahahaa~

Lepas tu, aq kejap2 hu-ha kejap2 diam mcm org xde suare. Kdg2 high smpai rase mcm nak kacau sume org, kkdang rase cam nak lepak dlm bilik sorang2, layan buku cerite, n tgk movie lawak2 or tgk cite yg sedih2 cket ke... Best tgk muvie pastu layan prasaan.. Yeahhhh~
Aq sgt suke privacy expecially kalau time malam2 jumaat atau sabtu, klaw x keluar ngan member, tgk muvie ke ape,shopping ke, aq suke duduk dlm bilik bace novel. Hobi membace tu mmg dah dipupuk (eceyhhh ayat xleyh blah!) sejak kecik. Family aq sgt suke membace. Abah suke bace buku2 educational. Buku2 psl medic, hal2 agama ke, tu mmg dy minat. Majalah kereta,tmpt2 pelancongan.. Mak pulak suke bace novel2 classic. Huhuu.. Maybe, dats y laa kami 4 beradek pun suke gak bace buku.

Aq suke gi lepak kat Mph, belek2 buku kat book shelves. Bace review kat blakang buku. Tgk cover buku2 yg nmpk menarik. Klaw ade duit, beli 2-3 buku. Bagi aq, lepak kat kedai buku sgt best. Duduk bersile atas lantai sambil bace buku.. Then, kedai buku jugak slalu psang lagu best2. Kadang2 opera Il-Divo, lagu2 oldies cam The Beatles, sometimes lagu2 yang upbeat. Suasana dlm bookshop sgt calming. Peaceful. Dan dipenuhi dgn buku2. Klaw nak golek2 kat dlm Mph tu sambil membace pun, manager xkan marah. Oh~ Mph~~ dah lame aq x bwat aktiviti tu..
Dulu2, dlm mase seminggu, aku akan bace maximum 3 novel. Satu novel, aq boleh habiskan dlm mase 2,3 hari. Sehari kalau buku tu best giler2. X makan, x berckp ngan orang laen... Reading was the only activity inside my room. Rumah aq pulak mmg penuh ngan bookshelves. Satu buku dah abis, ambik je buku baru kat almari.

Aq merapu dgn sgt byk, tapi apekah purpose aq merapu ni????
Basically, aq merapu sume ni sbb, aq nak ckp, yg aq dah sedar sape diri aq skang ni.
MAybe, pade org len, aq ni x cukup girlish, x cute-perangai kadang2 kelelakian, bhase yg aq gunekan ntuk berckp sometimes x cukup molek seperti gadis ayu perempuan melayu terakhir, lagu2 yg aku dgr bukanlah Miley cyrus, High school musical. Aq dgr lagu2 yg budak laki2 slalu suke dgr, aq juge sgt lah kelam kabut orgnye. Hanfon aq pun aq slalu x tawu mane aq letak! MArkonah si kure2 kadang2 aq terlupe nak bagi makan....

I'm not what evry girl is supposed to be, but i am just how i should be. To all my friends, thank u for accepting my gedik self,loud!! and byk ckp, kuat makan, kuat menangis (emo!!), dan mood mcm roller coaster. To my family, saye tawu sye nakal dan cheeky. Sye suke menyakat org dan x reti duduk diam. Sye suke keluar membeli-belah dan suke menaikkan bil telefon. Sye suke aktiviti luar rumah dan tusyen (kadang2 sampai x buleh nak pegi makan angin ngan korang). But thanx for accepting me and loving me so,so very much- JUst the wAy i am.

This is me, so, why should i be afraid to just be..? =)

niat ku.

-Because i've been standing at the station, in need of education in the rain.-


thursday-
aku menekan butang hanfon dan meng-call nadiah...
*tensen*
math aku flunk lagi......
frustnye macam nak buat aku tertonggeng-tonggeng.
bergolek2..
memeluk dinding...
"he's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar~~~".
lagu taylor swift mcm radio rosak yang asyik berulang2 dlm otak aku.
math mcm seorang boyfren yang paling horror skali dlm hidup seorang perempuan, iaitu aku.
aku committed terhadap 'dia',tpi 'dia' laa juge yang paling byk buat aku menangis stakat ni. (semenjak darjah 2)
and i can't even get out of this sick relationship. *lagu teardrops on my guitar lagi.*


-You ain't ever gonna burn my heart out.-

aku tak kisah. aku takkan give up.
tapi... frust tu mmg ade. afdal.


-Get up. Come on. Why're u scared?-

telephone conversation-
aku: nadya, math aku mcm cipan.... CIPAN, u know cipan?????!
nadya:knape? u x paham soklan ke, ape ke?
aku: ntah la.. ape masalah aku ni? ape aku nak buat lagi??? (soalan yg aku selalu tanye)
nadya: cube u tukar niat u.. maybe.. bile study, niat sbb nak dpt ilmu. bukan sebab ntuk exam je.


......................
mungkinkah..?
mungkin jugak.
definitely maybe.

-Out to sea, it's the only place i honestly can get myself some peace of mind. You know it's getting hard to fly.-

aduih...

marilah kite same2 menukar niat kite.
lepas tu.. mungkin.. ade perubahan.

God's willing.

-But don't look back in anger, I heard you say.-

depression and home sickness sucks.

did u know that there are things called homesickness and depression?
homesickness is when u miss ur home really really badly, and depression makes you feel like the world is bleak, and that life actually doesn't matter.

ah.. and both are just such a b****y combination.

I think i'm starting to alarm my roomate and the friends around me with my roller coaster emotions. I turn into a human waterworks easily these days. Maybe all the hardwork and sweat and grit and paranoia are taking its toll on me. I just can't seem to be able to muster any interest in class. And hearing " There will be another test next week" just doesn't have any effects on me anymore. I feel so numb.

I wanna go home. All my siblings are at home, and it just pains me to think that I won't be able to be there with them. Crying on the phone, begging my mom to come and take me away from here is just sooo not me. But i did it anyway. Pride doesn't matter anymore. What's the use of acting tough and pretending i have it all together all the time if inside i feel like i'm dying? I'm so tired of pretending i'm okay, and be all cheery and smiley when in fact i just feel like punching someone in the face and demand them to "Stop all this madness and just take me home already!!!!!"

It's not like i'm giving up. I just need a break. God knows i'm only human, and I need to be away from all these at the moment, and just be with my family...=(

For a few days, i just need to be in an environment where no one's concerned about study,just how to get a song right on his guitar instead. That's what Ikram's for.
I need to talk to my personal shrink. My personal,moving walking,talking diary where i can talk about all my insecurities without holding back. That's why i need Nadiah. And the best part is, she doesn't merely take my pain away like a competent healer, she gives a darned good advice too.
And i need Yayang for her extreme coolness and cuteness. Because no one can irritate me and make me love her more for it anymore than Yayang can.

And i miss my parents..

Markonah is feeling lonely too. She needs a partner. I can see the boredom on her face. (Because she is constantly being surrounded by girls. I pray she doesn't turn lesbo on me!).
Anyone know where i can get a male tortoise at a cheap price??

P/s: The male tortoise needs to fulfill these criteria: Hot body, cute face, and a kind heart. err.. solat 5 waktu, good to his parents, respects woman, and a gentle man.

Eh, ni dah lain dah nii... =p