reminiscing the past.

Tetibe rase sedih plak bce blog kakak aq, nadya. I was in the library and like I've got nothing better to do, I switched on the pc and logged into my blog. (Bkn nk study ke ape kan? hampeh btui..)
Anyway... I stumbled into one of her post. It was about me lah.



Yeah,me bebeh. Moi. (Nk prasan jap. ehehe~)



Post tu psl one of the things that she regretted in her life and what if she could change it.
It was about child abuse. By a maid. And that child was me.
I know this sounds serious. Maybe it was. Maybe it still is. But I was so small back then, I didn't regard an of my undeserving beatings as abuse. Just as a case of breaking a small child's heart and a violation of my innocence trust.
Whoah, ayat xnak dramatik lagi kan?
Anyways...


I didn't know it was child abuse. I thought it would be right to 'teach me a lesson' because let me tell you one thing, when I was small I was an imp. Really. Betul2 nakal. So I was afraid to tell anyone about the rough treatment I received and the shoutings and the screamings I received from her because I thought any bad child deserved this. I know I was naughty. I was even convinced that I was bad.



But... Exactly how bad was I when I was a 3-year old child?
I have a very strong lungs, thus when I cried, I cried very loud.
I am very headstrong, I don't like to listen to people unless they tell me very gently and kindly, hence I was always the victim of my maid's screams of my insolence and strong-headedness.



I was picky when it came to food, so it's alright for you to force food down my throat?
I very much hated cold water when I was small so when I refused to bathe, it's not wrong to slam my head on the bathroom wall while you splash cold water to my face until I couldn't breathe?
And then you locked me afterwards in that bathroom, ignoring my yells and screams and cries of help because I was so scared I was gonna be locked up forever.
Was that right?



Was it because I was really that bad?



And where were my parents when this happened you might ask. They were out working. Now, before you jump into the assumption that they're not doing their job as parents right, let me assure you that they are really good parents. In fact, I think they are the greatest people I've ever known. But they too couldn't be with me all the time 24/7. There was no way they could've known if no one told them about it. I didn't tell my parents about it. I was so scared they weren't gonna believe me because my maid was such a bloody pretender.




She acted all nice and submissive when my parents are around, but behind their back only my siblings and I saw the monster she was. She was a soooo darned good actress that when she treated me gently in front of my parents, I could almost forgot the beatings I took from her. I could almost believe that behind this bloody woman who grabbed a lock of my hair almost every other day, there could be a mother-like figure who could love me because I yearned for a bit of love from almost everyone I met when I was a kiddo.



Damn, was I pathetic.



My point of writing this down is not to reignite the fire of sheer loathing I have for this woman who beat me. If anything, I am only repulsed by my own helpnessness at that time. I am also ashamed by the fact that she just had to do it in front of my sister,nadya. I was helpless and scared, yes, but at the same time I was mortified. I didn't want my siblings to know that I was so bad that I needed to be 'corrected.'



I still remember the look of shock and fear in her eyes as she watched my head, slammed into the wall by force.



Ah yes. I remember everything that happened that day. Aq almost wrote a poem about it too. Mr Derick assigned us to write a peom that begins with " I remember..."
Aq nk bwat psl mende ni lah. Tapi mcm uncomfortable pulak nk cite depan the whole class. And then karang Mr Derick byk tanye pulak. Ape aq nak jwb?? hahaaha....



"Oh, it's not about me. It's about, you know.... Child abuse in general. The issue, I mean."



Right. Lies. All lies.




But, bak kate nadya, thank God I've grown to be a jovial, cheerful person, laalallalaaa~~~, etc2 and all dat. Takpe nadya, don't worry about me. I'm strong, remember? Fine, fine. I cry a lot. But tears do not symbolise weakness. In fact I think they bring me strength.



Errr, okay. Hari ni kelas econs kul 1. Aq terlupe. ciss... I go first. Sape2 nk bace post nadya about me:


http://dundeepurple.blogspot.com/2009/06/nuttobacelahhh.html