The fun is in learning.

*Long exhale~*
Haaaa....~
Finally! I miss this feeling. This feeling that I don't mind studying for the rest of my life. I really don't. I used to think education was fun. And then, for a moment there, during my hard struggle here screwing Ausmat and Ausmat screwing me back double big time, I'm thinking, Damn all this. Damn it all to hell. The process of getting all bruised up and battered from this thing called Asumat itself is not as painful as trying to stay optimistic and be all dignified in front of others. I mean, how easy is it to be all blase and be all cool as cucumber when you see that big fat '0' scrawled on the test paper, just right there beside your name? You'd wish it was scrawled beside someone else's name. I know I did. I sat there in that room, so cold. Surrounded by my classmates and yet felt so alone. So isolated. So so so stupid.


There were echoes in my brain telling me I'm stupid. Amplified even more so when I look around and realization hit me like hard boulder - perhaps it's true that I'm inferior compared to all this crazy smart people. I was staring at the tainted white board without really looking at it, preoccupied with the act of blinking back tears so that they wouldn't fall when I'm in that god forsaken place. And feeling as dirty as the whiteboard. I knew I had to move on. What's the use of pondering over what's been done. The past is the past. I have to get on with my life. But when you feel like your whole dream is crashing down on you along with all your fragile hope, even an inch step forward is a Herculean task.


Back to present time. I no longer care if I was inferior to other people. Or if I was stupid. I cannot change who I am, I can merely become a better person tomorrow than I was today. As for the feeling stupid part, well, if my foolish hope can still blossom despite all these discouraging faggot maggots' whispers inside my brain, then I don't mind being a fool. I am already a fool for all I know. We're all fools when it comes to things we want. Because we would do anything, anything at all to get our hand on 'em. And so just now when I was sitting beside my friend studying Chemistry, I found back what it was to be myself again. I've found that little girl who reads Oxford Dictionary to fill her leisure time, driven also by her father's and brother's criticisms about her bad bad English. I've found again that same girl who flips open the Encyclopedia to read up about some random Greek mythology or ancient history. History has always fascinated me. I've found her, who used to look at the stars in sky at night and questioned about the constellations. I've found her, who studied Japanese dictionary religiously and learned how to write Hiragana and Katakana all by herself. I've found her back. The girl who learns when she reads, or when she's watching something on the television, or even when she's reading a comic book. Knowledge is still a knowledge nevertheless. Despite its sources.



I've rediscovered the thrill of learning. The fun in education. It has always been there. It's just that for a moment, I forgot. Ironically, that feeling got lost when I was right in the act of trying to find it. Learning is not about competition. It's not about trying to prove who's smarter than whom. It's about doing anough for yourself. It's about self-fulfillment. It's also about stoking the fire of your longing to learn more, to get more,to know more. Learning is like quenching thirst. Education is an intoxicating drink that leaves a person wanting more, coming back for seconds and thirds. But it has to be sipped. A student is a connoiseur who has to take his time tasting the wine on his tongue before drinking it in a tall glass.


(Besides,why is adolescence the most interesting phase in anyone's life? Putting aside all the awkwardness and uncomfortableness in growing hair in certain body parts and an epidemic of pimple erruptions, I think it's interesting because it is a phase where we learn a lot about ourselves. (I guess childhood is also a phase where we discover new things, but we would be too young to remember the thrill of discovering something, huh? Anyways, our memories wouldn't be as vivid as we remember things from our adolescence.))



Shit, my brain is overloaded with crap. I've crapped too much!!! Forgive me for all the lavish words. At the moment, I fail to contain my joy at rediscovering my ardent fondness of learning. I feel even more at peace thinking that even if, say, I fail this present fight, learning is an opportunity that lasts for a life time. I would learn something new, everyday, until the day I die.



As of now, though, it's imperative that I do what is needed presently. =)


P/s: I know I sound so gay in this post. Writing blog at 4am in the morning is not such a good idea. I promise I'll be more bimbotic in my next post!!! Ciao~