blah laa :P

Ini bukan hiatus.

Blog ni xkan digunekan lagi kerane dy sudah menjadi x bergune.

Make saye berhijrah ke sesuatu yg akan digunekan lagi lebih bergune.

Kepade kawan2 yg bergune, korang tawu nk carik aq kat mane! ^^

Sekian terime kaseh~~~! :D

first impressions

Last post was about my friend who finally got her the fairytale happy ending. Or rather, the beginning? I certainly hope so. If only I were there right in front of her when she told me about it. I could've danced all night. (Yes, I am quoting song from My Fair Lady). This post would be so much more about me I guess?

I've changed the layout of this blog (somewhat) because I thought it would be nice to change. You know, new chapter in life and all... As always, I struggled to come up with a new title for this blog. I wanted to change the name to something that isn't trying to hard to look artsy and shit, but rather just be and let the title speaks for itself. Letting the title, summarise the whole identity of the owner of this blog. But after 30 minutes and still nada that's inspiring and original I thought, well, heck, I'll just plagiarise something. A quote from a song, or maybe I'll just take a title of a song. Anything at all would be fine. And then there was The Strokes. Their album First Impressions of Earth hovers in front of my eyes on my laptop screen and something like a light bulb lights up inside my head. I thought, yeah. First impressions.

First impressions, because when you meet someone for the first time, it's all about first impressions.

It's important because it kinda dictates who you are to this person, and if you screw your first impression to other people, well then you're screwed. I've read Pride and Prejudice waaaay too many times, and I'll tell you fellas, that shit is true. Jane Austen is a genius. Relationship between human beings should be simple and easy, but Janey nailed it in her books.

What happens after the first impression though, depends.

Perceptions can change. It's not a constant, it's a variable.

Over time you'll realise how wrong you can be, or in certain cases, how right you are.

The story of my life is, people have waaayy too many distorted first impressions on me. Sometimes too negative, sometimes too positive. Why it just be something in the middle?

The first impression, would always be:

A) I'm too happy, too cheerful, too optimistic, too friendly, too talkative, too chirpy

or

B) too snobbish, very bitchy, very selfish, very un-Malay, very bajet

I'm too TIRED too think anymore.

.........................................................................................................................................................

Human beings, have depth. We have complexities. We have layers and layers and layer and layers of untangible things inside. We can't describe ourselves in one word, or ten words.

Cheerful, gedik, emo, diva, pretty, ugly, bad, good, nice, kind, shy, extroverted, talkative, slim, fat, anorexic, obnoxious, funny, friendly, bitchy, smart, stupid, optimistic, pessimistic

It's BULLSHIT

bullshit

bullshit.............

Why can't we stop putting labels on other people? even I do it.

everybody does it.

I can't stop myself or others to stop doing it. but I guess i'm hoping for someone to be able to acknowledge that I am all of that.

We are not, one word.

We are not, one thing only.

We are not, without depth and complexities.

We are not, simple.

I am not what you think I am. You may be partially right, but you can't be completely right about someone.

You see the moon on the sky every night. But you only see one side of it.

What about the other side?

No one has seen it. It could be beautiful. It could be so ugly.

You don't know.

But at least accept that there is this other surface.

......................................................................................................................................................

wow, for so long I have not written something in fear of being judged.

for so long I have not written something in fear of slighting someone.

I am feeling a little morose and screaming screw the world at the moment.

ha. fuckin ha.

now go away and let me cry in silence dammit.

do the sweet thing

I want to

dance in the rain because I'm happy for you

run across a green field with my face turned towards sky heaven

never ever want to stop smiling because

I'm happy for you

You know when something good happens to someone close to you, and although it doesn't happen to you but you feel so so so glad and happy because you know how happy that other person is? I want to scream in glee and hug you and kiss you and shout so the whole world can hear, "See?"

Send another roses, make the girl happy

call at midnight, she'll sleep with a smile on her face

and in her sleep she'll dream of you

when she wakes up, she'll search for your face in the morning

talk to her, she misses your voice

oh stranger, if only you knew how much she loves you

do the sweet thing because in everything you do

she'll know you love her too

Please please please say you do

because i hope you do

:)

shut it

am currently sitting in a library.

it was quiet at first.

and then these assholes just have to come and ruin the tranquility of this place.

Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I'm trying to get some job done here!

go play somewhere else! shoohhh.. shooh..

little crush

my god, you're only 19. and here I am grinning like a fool because you didn't just cast me aside.

The thing, with crushes is that they never last long.

Which works just fine with me because if longevity is related with the kind of crush i'm going through I'm pretty much screwed because then I would be doomed to eternal un-moving-on-ness. Which is what we're suppose to do in life isn't it? moving on. and having a hell of fun out while you're at it. :)

The thing, I don't like about crushes though, is that they start fast whenever I move to a new area. It's like a cycle, the spread of a disease that has no cure to it. Note: I've put this on 2012 new year's resolution. In case I get to deported to a new place for Masters, I, Nadhirah 'Afiah should not ever, ever develop a new crush. Ever.

What's good about a little crush is, there's totally no harm in it. Well, except for the illegalities of stalking your object of affection even if it's just through world-wide social networking, *ehem.. facebook.. ehem!* there are no other consequences that you have to bear with. Unless, of course, if your crush is a discreet case and suddenly one day it isn't anymore. The only consequences you have to bear with is massive EMBARRASSMENT when this happens. *sigh*

But that is just a tiny, tiny thing to deal with. Just smile and wave and pretend that you have not the slightest idea regarding this issue when someone asks you about it. Because you know the pros definitely outweighs the cons.

What are the pros you ask me?

Well, you need not exercise because your heart just so happen to beat really fast whenever you see him..... So that's a cardio-workout for you although he was really just passing by and have not the slightest idea of the near-heart palpitation effect he just had on you....

And at the chance that he might glance your way, you will be at your best behaviour and posture. And that might be a little on the hypocritical and plastic side, but hey, if it generates a better image of you.. I say, go for it. definitely. After all, to all the people around us,we are what we present. riiighht?

... what i'm trying to say is, just let me bask in this temporary glow although it's just one-sided. I am not ashamed of my own feelings. Why should anyone be? and yes, i sound bimbotic, but admit it. all of us have been, and still do this crushing business. so don't go around beetchiiiingg about me just because i'm able to be honest about it and you're not.

;)

separation

If at an early age, a child learns how to separate between what's physical and emotional, he'll grow up to be a strong person. Sometimes too strong that even he can't tell if it's pain that he feels.

I wonder how Achilles felt when that arrow pierced his heel. Did he feel betrayed that his supposedly invincible body failed to rise to the occasion?

Achilles, I'm sure the pain of the burst of your ego bubble exceeded the the physical pain you went through when your vision went black and the knowledge descend upon you that you, are going to die. Alone.

contradiction

I am Jack's raging bile duct.


I am staring into nothingness. Not nothingness, in front of me is the screen of computer. I can barely open my eyes with eyelids heavy as a lead. I sleep with three lights on and wake up feeling confused. I stare at my dog-eared book on the bedside table. Empty. I feel empty. I hate waking up early. If the sun is all that great then I really don't want to compete with it.
I take the bus every morning. And they stare. They always stare. I tilt my head up higher, and swag like I signed up for the next top model. Sometimes they make funny noises when I sit in front of them. Making sounds like they are in the throes of passion, oblivious to the surrounding when in fact all was deliberate. Boy, he's really screwing himself literally, I didn't even have to tell him to. There were days when they amp up their PDAs when I sit right behind them. I want to shoot them dead. run a truck over them and scream "ignorant bastard" out the screen as I run them over and over and over and over again, Frank Miller style. Some days I walk past them and they mumble indecencies and obscenities. Profanities running over and over in my own head, Quentin Tarantino style. Stares. Insults. Mock.
I am back in bed. Seeking solitude. But I am afraid of being alone. I seek attention. But hates company. I hate baring my soul. That's one great wall of china I hope no one gets through.




I'm bored..... and I need my fix of caffeine bad.

nat.than

You mr. I'm talking about you.
You walk into the class with your swag and skinny jeans
With your head bent over your work
and your finger doing the jag and dance with the pencil
And your small smile, when you talk
Your eyes a little too bright



Score one more mr rowie
How did you get so smart?

midnight bottle

At midnight I break
And just had to talk to you
I long to hear your voice
I hate myself for being emotionally crippled
when I'm in front of you
Because deep inside I just want to show
how much I miss you too
but I don't know how
Just another barrier to break
I only dare to cry when we are 5000 miles away






p/s: wuhu... homesick.. :'(

addled in Adelaide

7 days in Adelaide. Which means, a week already.

Funny, while I was riding the bus and sometimes I'll be thinking, "Gosh, I'm in Australia!". It still feels like a dream. It's my first summer ever, and boy the Mr Sun just couldn't be friendlier! Each day, the temperature just climbs to a greater degree. Communication became a problem at first, (still does a little sometimes. Confidence just takes some time to build ya know?) because my brain was addled by the heat and the blindingly beautiful scenery around me. I can't even say a proper 'hello'and ýes' and 'no' because I spent two months at home NOT polishing my english and NOT training my ears to the lilting accent of the Aussies. Yeaaas, sir, me speakk eeengleeeshhh.

Back to basic.

Getting around was adventurous to say the least. Each one of us carried big ass handbags. (one that just HAVE to fit 2 bottles for : 1) drinking. because it's hot and dry as hell here. 2) toilet bottle. yes. u geddit? because they dont have a friggin tap inside the stall near the john like we have in Msia.'

so that alone requires a lot of space in our handbags. What else do we need? Purse, handphone, map, bus timetable,adress book,passport, sunblock, lip balm, moisturiser.... Because it's friggin dry here!

Oh yeah, and we usually get around city and the suburbs by bus and also walking... So you can just imagine the exhaustion la... And the heat... Oh, the heat... :P

Transportation.

Around here we have this cool transport called O-Bahn. It's like a bus that can change into a trem once it gets around the suburbs. O-Bahn only goes around in the East side of South Australia. :D

Jakun laa weyh... ====>

( >__<)

The first few days here were a bit of a problem to us. We were very confused with the no of buses we're suppose to take, and which stop to go to... Which street the stop is situated in the city. East side or West? That kinda of problem. Fortunately, the city isn't very big. In two day's time all 9 of us can already give directions up and about the city. Our only evil cryptonite is the suburban area.

I know Adelaide is a planned city and all.. places are supposed to be very alligned to each other, and the map is quite easy to understand because everything on the map look square-ish. But the suburbs have lots of small junctions and street in between. Unless we Google-mapped first, everything would get very hair-wired.

House-hunting.

Ah... a topic I'd rather not explain. The situation is pretty hairy at the moment. We just pray our hardest for our length of stay at our senior's house isn't gonna be that long. As of now, we're okay with camping on our senior's living room. But really, we hate to become a liability and we really need a house BAD.

The houses we have looked at so far were good. Well, most of them are. But the problem is sometimes we don;t like the price of the rent. Sometimes the house is far from any bus stops. Two houses that we like so far haven't had the agent call us back and these houses are SUPERB wey.. We have already fallen in love at the first sight of them, but yeah... Que sera sera! Let's just pray for the best!

Halal food.

Yiros kebab. Coles market. Nando's. And our favourite so far, Swinging Bowl.

It's a malay restaurant, siap dengan nasi campur and all that. Lauk ayam masak lemak, masak rendang, masak kari, sayur campur. Swinging bowl translates into Mangkuk Hayun and we meet a lot of student from Malaysia there too!

hoho... well, ok. that's it for now! Penat la. it's already 2 am and i just spent my whole day walking from around the city and suburbs of S.A.

More to come!! :D

tiger. valentine's. apple. australia

Tiger

Because Chinese New Year is this Saturday. To those who celebrate, may you enjoy your holiday. To my friends who are going to Australia and won't have the chance to celebrate this day with family, friends and loved ones, still, Gong Xi Fa Chai. Spend your time well before you go. :)

Valentine's

I don't celebrate Valentine's. But still, it's nice to know that we still have love in this convoluted world. Not everything is bad.

Apple

For Fiona. I just love her voice. Taking a break from disco, techno, rocking song for a while and just enjoying a nice combination of blues and jazz. Been feeling a little morose, but that's only normal I suppose.

Here's a little Fiona Apple for this year's Valentine's.

i'm sentimental so I walk in the rain

i've got some habits even I can't explain

i go to the corner, but i end up in spain

why try to change me now

i sit and daydream

i've got daydreams galore

cigarette ashes

there they go on the floor

go away weekends

leave my keys in the door

why try to change me now

why cant i be more conventional

people stop and they stare

so i try

but that can't be

cuz i can't see

my strange little world

just go passing me by

let people wonder

let them laugh, let them frown

you know i love you till the moon's upside down

don't you remember

i was always your clown

why try to change me now

why would you change me

why try to change me now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uf1n1wUfxE

Australia

Is where I would be in two days, God's willing. Don't say goodbye. But until we meet again..

calm storm

The air is crackling with tension, the wind feels a little heavy and blows a tad too strong.

In the sky, a swirling pool of dark clouds begin to form, and everyone around gets an eerie premonition of something sinister that's brewing in the town.

And there I sit in the eye of tornado. Surrounded by calamitous storm and chaos.

Calm and peace is all I ever ask for.

If there ever was a wish of mine that never came true

is of adults that can't be calm and have panic attacks all the time

I am young and I'm scared

I can't cry out for help from someone who is drowning with fear too

Painfully waiting day by day

Hoping not to just get by but for something to get better

for a progress

all noises blocked out

I deafen myself for my heart and pride couldn't suffer through

another beatings and abuse

mentally checking my temper

keeping my expression neutral

soothing words for my own ears

because no other would believe what mine own wouldn't call lies

please stop putting all the blames on me

today

I took a detour down memory lane. But not virtually, I was there.

I was at first torn between doing what was right, and doing what I wanted. Curiosity got the best of me in the end.

I gave in. I agreed.

While I was waiting, I was sorely tempted to just scream uncle and run. To stood her up.

But, that would be very bitchy of me, after I have already agreed to the 'date'. Today's purpose was to prove otherwise, not reinforce. (I'm not a bitch, honest.)

So I went.

I met.

We met.

We talked.

We were awkward.

But..

Surprisingly, it went okay.

It was not exactly fun, but it was nice.

Our conversation was laced with silences (at least to me) sometimes, but I didn't exactly feel uncomfortable sitting beside her, talking and eating side by side. I was relieved. We were very civil and polite. To be honest, I at least expected something to lash out from either one of us. I would be lying if I said I didn't anticipate the dam to just break free. But no.

No skeletons were dug out.

Our conversations were very safe, we threaded our words carefully as if they were fragile. My smile and laughters were not engineered as well. I didn't feel restrained from being myself.

What I do find odd was the way her eyes avoided from looking straight into mine. I have the habit of looking someone in their eyes while having conversation, (that is, if I want to have the conversation) but I kept finding hers staring at anything but mine.

Which gives me nothing to speculate on unless I start assuming things but assuming makes an ass out of me and her, but the irony is I am already assuming things aren't I?

Damn.

It seems that I was worrying over nothing being that everything went smoothly.

I feel good.

I didn't chicken out.

I'm taking baby steps to sweeten up what went sour in the past. Trying to not make it too hard on myself because I'm just a normal human being who make mistakes.

Que sera sera.

hospital

Call an ambulance, I want to get better.

I think I have been focusing on the wrong thing.

I want to feel what's right. :)

three

Three things I wish to highlight in this post:

1. Run

Some things make you good. Some make you bad. Run from the things that's no good for you.

Run like I did.

Before it's too late.

2. Old pain, post-traumatic.

Why do I feel like screaming? again.

Don't apologize, I don't even know why I did what I did.

I only know what you did.

Apology accepted, now will you move on and leave me alone?

3. Pretend

Do i have to put on a facade? A plastic smile on my lips will tell you that everything is fine. A front will only make you judge me further, revealing my true self will make you turn and shake your head in disgust and disapproval. Nothing can ever satisfy you.

If I may say, I'd rather be myself, at least I do it with a little dignity and my pride intact.

wish

i wish he was you

=p

ampun, tok, janji x buat lagi!

Erm............
Kalau buat baek, orang ingat sekejap je.. Nanti pupus laa ingatan orang terhadap jasa baik kite. Tapi rasenye2 kalau aq buat jahat, memang pegi mane2 mesti kene batang hidung sendiri balik!!!




Huaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahhahah~~~ >.<





Saye janji xkan buat jahat lagiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!
Siyes, I swear!
Saye akan bagi clean slate. Jangan sebut 'bende' tu depan aq lagi.. Hahahah.. :P
Let me start afresh? Pretty please? ;;)




Okay, move on people!

DELETE

hahaha... In my Facebook profile, a quiz on "who's your TWILIGHT boy" is on display.
And when abah saw this, he was like,





WEYYY WHO IS THIS EMMETT CULLEN???""






LOL
Remind me to not put any crap on display in Fb profile. :)

merci beaucoup

My life wouldn't be as easy as it is now without mak and abah. :)
Overall, sebenarnye saye sgt luckyyyyy~~~~~ ^_^
Alhamdulillah. I know some people don't have it easy. And I may not have it all, but what I have is enough. Sometimes more than enough. My life isn't tough because there people for me to fall back on.
Senang. Memang laa x selalu meminta sangat dengan mak abah, but sometimes bile mintak and reasonable, boleh dapat. Oh, xla to the extend of petik jari je dapat. Gile kene baling periuk aq macam tu! But saye sgt2 bersyukur ade mak abah yang boleh provide for their children when they need it. I have to be more careful and work harder to not burden them by asking for more in the future!!! >.<




I was worried actually preparing for departure. When I ask my friends who are also doing architecture I suddenly realised that damn this course requires quite an expenditure!!!!
Pening fikir nak pakai laptop yang competant,camera,sketching pencils,pen, etc etc..
Klaw depend on duit scholar je.. Um,,payah jugak tuu...
But as I voiced my worries to my parents they were sort of cool with it.
"They will be taken care of", according to them.
Wow, I must tell you, I felt guilty and also relieved at the same time....
I cannot help but think about those who are less fortunate than me and if their parents are able to say such thing so candidly and carelessly.




*sigh*
I hate to think that I'm spoiled. Well, if I am then I suppose I'm only spoiled on average.
But ma, abah.
Thank you...
I am grateful. ^_^






i am a beggar always
who begs in your mind
(slightly smiling, patient, unspeaking
with a sign on his
chest
BLIND)yes i
am this person of whom somehow
you are never wholly rid(and who
does not ask for more than
just enough dreams to
live on) -e.e cummings

ahoy mate!

Received a SUPER great news from my friend!!!! :D
I was literally jumping with joy when I heard it! Ah, but the greatness of having friends. When they are happy you are happy for them and with them too.



It boggles me that I've got less than 2 weeks before I go to the land down under!!!
Waaahhh~~ where did all the hours and seconds go to?
It's so mental! I feel sick with anticipation. Dread and excitement is coursing through my veins for what is yet to come!! Jeng jeng~




Um, anyways.




I still feel a little sad by the fact that my sister won't be able to send me off. I mean, it will be a long time before I get to see her again. I miss her very dearly. But oh well, touche! Because I wasn't there when she was flying off to Indonesia 2 years ago.




(Have to pack my things now.. 20kg only ah??? Aiyaaa.. Die lahh!