first impressions.

blah laa :P

2010-06-10T23:21:00.000-07:00

Ini bukan hiatus.

Blog ni xkan digunekan lagi kerane dy sudah menjadi x bergune.

Make saye berhijrah ke sesuatu yg akan digunekan lagi lebih bergune.

Kepade kawan2 yg bergune, korang tawu nk carik aq kat mane! ^^

Sekian terime kaseh~~~! :D

first impressions

2010-06-03T21:59:00.001-07:00

Last post was about my friend who finally got her the fairytale happy ending. Or rather, the beginning? I certainly hope so. If only I were there right in front of her when she told me about it. I could've danced all night. (Yes, I am quoting song from My Fair Lady). This post would be so much more about me I guess?

I've changed the layout of this blog (somewhat) because I thought it would be nice to change. You know, new chapter in life and all... As always, I struggled to come up with a new title for this blog. I wanted to change the name to something that isn't trying to hard to look artsy and shit, but rather just be and let the title speaks for itself. Letting the title, summarise the whole identity of the owner of this blog. But after 30 minutes and still nada that's inspiring and original I thought, well, heck, I'll just plagiarise something. A quote from a song, or maybe I'll just take a title of a song. Anything at all would be fine. And then there was The Strokes. Their album First Impressions of Earth hovers in front of my eyes on my laptop screen and something like a light bulb lights up inside my head. I thought, yeah. First impressions.

First impressions, because when you meet someone for the first time, it's all about first impressions.

It's important because it kinda dictates who you are to this person, and if you screw your first impression to other people, well then you're screwed. I've read Pride and Prejudice waaaay too many times, and I'll tell you fellas, that shit is true. Jane Austen is a genius. Relationship between human beings should be simple and easy, but Janey nailed it in her books.

What happens after the first impression though, depends.

Perceptions can change. It's not a constant, it's a variable.

Over time you'll realise how wrong you can be, or in certain cases, how right you are.

The story of my life is, people have waaayy too many distorted first impressions on me. Sometimes too negative, sometimes too positive. Why it just be something in the middle?

The first impression, would always be:

A) I'm too happy, too cheerful, too optimistic, too friendly, too talkative, too chirpy

B) too snobbish, very bitchy, very selfish, very un-Malay, very bajet

I'm too TIRED too think anymore.

.........................................................................................................................................................

Human beings, have depth. We have complexities. We have layers and layers and layer and layers of untangible things inside. We can't describe ourselves in one word, or ten words.

Cheerful, gedik, emo, diva, pretty, ugly, bad, good, nice, kind, shy, extroverted, talkative, slim, fat, anorexic, obnoxious, funny, friendly, bitchy, smart, stupid, optimistic, pessimistic

It's BULLSHIT

bullshit

bullshit.............

Why can't we stop putting labels on other people? even I do it.

everybody does it.

I can't stop myself or others to stop doing it. but I guess i'm hoping for someone to be able to acknowledge that I am all of that.

We are not, one word.

We are not, one thing only.

We are not, without depth and complexities.

We are not, simple.

I am not what you think I am. You may be partially right, but you can't be completely right about someone.

You see the moon on the sky every night. But you only see one side of it.

What about the other side?

No one has seen it. It could be beautiful. It could be so ugly.

You don't know.

But at least accept that there is this other surface.

......................................................................................................................................................

wow, for so long I have not written something in fear of being judged.

for so long I have not written something in fear of slighting someone.

I am feeling a little morose and screaming screw the world at the moment.

ha. fuckin ha.

now go away and let me cry in silence dammit.

do the sweet thing

2010-06-03T00:58:00.000-07:00

I want to

dance in the rain because I'm happy for you

run across a green field with my face turned towards sky heaven

never ever want to stop smiling because

I'm happy for you

You know when something good happens to someone close to you, and although it doesn't happen to you but you feel so so so glad and happy because you know how happy that other person is? I want to scream in glee and hug you and kiss you and shout so the whole world can hear, "See?"

Send another roses, make the girl happy

call at midnight, she'll sleep with a smile on her face

and in her sleep she'll dream of you

when she wakes up, she'll search for your face in the morning

talk to her, she misses your voice

oh stranger, if only you knew how much she loves you

do the sweet thing because in everything you do

she'll know you love her too

Please please please say you do

because i hope you do

shut it

2010-05-20T21:38:00.000-07:00

am currently sitting in a library.

it was quiet at first.

and then these assholes just have to come and ruin the tranquility of this place.

Come onnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I'm trying to get some job done here!

go play somewhere else! shoohhh.. shooh..

little crush

2010-05-05T20:19:00.000-07:00

my god, you're only 19. and here I am grinning like a fool because you didn't just cast me aside.

The thing, with crushes is that they never last long.

Which works just fine with me because if longevity is related with the kind of crush i'm going through I'm pretty much screwed because then I would be doomed to eternal un-moving-on-ness. Which is what we're suppose to do in life isn't it? moving on. and having a hell of fun out while you're at it. :)

The thing, I don't like about crushes though, is that they start fast whenever I move to a new area. It's like a cycle, the spread of a disease that has no cure to it. Note: I've put this on 2012 new year's resolution. In case I get to deported to a new place for Masters, I, Nadhirah 'Afiah should not ever, ever develop a new crush. Ever.

What's good about a little crush is, there's totally no harm in it. Well, except for the illegalities of stalking your object of affection even if it's just through world-wide social networking, *ehem.. facebook.. ehem!* there are no other consequences that you have to bear with. Unless, of course, if your crush is a discreet case and suddenly one day it isn't anymore. The only consequences you have to bear with is massive EMBARRASSMENT when this happens. *sigh*

But that is just a tiny, tiny thing to deal with. Just smile and wave and pretend that you have not the slightest idea regarding this issue when someone asks you about it. Because you know the pros definitely outweighs the cons.

What are the pros you ask me?

Well, you need not exercise because your heart just so happen to beat really fast whenever you see him..... So that's a cardio-workout for you although he was really just passing by and have not the slightest idea of the near-heart palpitation effect he just had on you....

And at the chance that he might glance your way, you will be at your best behaviour and posture. And that might be a little on the hypocritical and plastic side, but hey, if it generates a better image of you.. I say, go for it. definitely. After all, to all the people around us,we are what we present. riiighht?

... what i'm trying to say is, just let me bask in this temporary glow although it's just one-sided. I am not ashamed of my own feelings. Why should anyone be? and yes, i sound bimbotic, but admit it. all of us have been, and still do this crushing business. so don't go around beetchiiiingg about me just because i'm able to be honest about it and you're not.

;)

separation

2010-05-04T20:35:00.000-07:00

If at an early age, a child learns how to separate between what's physical and emotional, he'll grow up to be a strong person. Sometimes too strong that even he can't tell if it's pain that he feels.

I wonder how Achilles felt when that arrow pierced his heel. Did he feel betrayed that his supposedly invincible body failed to rise to the occasion?

Achilles, I'm sure the pain of the burst of your ego bubble exceeded the the physical pain you went through when your vision went black and the knowledge descend upon you that you, are going to die. Alone.

contradiction

2010-04-24T00:22:00.000-07:00

I am Jack's raging bile duct.

I am staring into nothingness. Not nothingness, in front of me is the screen of computer. I can barely open my eyes with eyelids heavy as a lead. I sleep with three lights on and wake up feeling confused. I stare at my dog-eared book on the bedside table. Empty. I feel empty. I hate waking up early. If the sun is all that great then I really don't want to compete with it.
I take the bus every morning. And they stare. They always stare. I tilt my head up higher, and swag like I signed up for the next top model. Sometimes they make funny noises when I sit in front of them. Making sounds like they are in the throes of passion, oblivious to the surrounding when in fact all was deliberate. Boy, he's really screwing himself literally, I didn't even have to tell him to. There were days when they amp up their PDAs when I sit right behind them. I want to shoot them dead. run a truck over them and scream "ignorant bastard" out the screen as I run them over and over and over and over again, Frank Miller style. Some days I walk past them and they mumble indecencies and obscenities. Profanities running over and over in my own head, Quentin Tarantino style. Stares. Insults. Mock.
I am back in bed. Seeking solitude. But I am afraid of being alone. I seek attention. But hates company. I hate baring my soul. That's one great wall of china I hope no one gets through.

I'm bored..... and I need my fix of caffeine bad.

nat.than

2010-04-19T17:17:00.000-07:00

You mr. I'm talking about you.
You walk into the class with your swag and skinny jeans
With your head bent over your work
and your finger doing the jag and dance with the pencil
And your small smile, when you talk
Your eyes a little too bright

Score one more mr rowie
How did you get so smart?

midnight bottle

2010-04-18T18:35:00.000-07:00

At midnight I break
And just had to talk to you
I long to hear your voice
I hate myself for being emotionally crippled
when I'm in front of you
Because deep inside I just want to show
how much I miss you too
but I don't know how
Just another barrier to break
I only dare to cry when we are 5000 miles away

p/s: wuhu... homesick.. :'(

addled in Adelaide

2010-02-20T06:47:00.000-08:00

7 days in Adelaide. Which means, a week already.

Funny, while I was riding the bus and sometimes I'll be thinking, "Gosh, I'm in Australia!". It still feels like a dream. It's my first summer ever, and boy the Mr Sun just couldn't be friendlier! Each day, the temperature just climbs to a greater degree. Communication became a problem at first, (still does a little sometimes. Confidence just takes some time to build ya know?) because my brain was addled by the heat and the blindingly beautiful scenery around me. I can't even say a proper 'hello'and ýes' and 'no' because I spent two months at home NOT polishing my english and NOT training my ears to the lilting accent of the Aussies. Yeaaas, sir, me speakk eeengleeeshhh.

Back to basic.

Getting around was adventurous to say the least. Each one of us carried big ass handbags. (one that just HAVE to fit 2 bottles for : 1) drinking. because it's hot and dry as hell here. 2) toilet bottle. yes. u geddit? because they dont have a friggin tap inside the stall near the john like we have in Msia.'

so that alone requires a lot of space in our handbags. What else do we need? Purse, handphone, map, bus timetable,adress book,passport, sunblock, lip balm, moisturiser.... Because it's friggin dry here!

Oh yeah, and we usually get around city and the suburbs by bus and also walking... So you can just imagine the exhaustion la... And the heat... Oh, the heat... :P

Transportation.

Around here we have this cool transport called O-Bahn. It's like a bus that can change into a trem once it gets around the suburbs. O-Bahn only goes around in the East side of South Australia. :D

Jakun laa weyh... ====>

( >__<)

The first few days here were a bit of a problem to us. We were very confused with the no of buses we're suppose to take, and which stop to go to... Which street the stop is situated in the city. East side or West? That kinda of problem. Fortunately, the city isn't very big. In two day's time all 9 of us can already give directions up and about the city. Our only evil cryptonite is the suburban area.

I know Adelaide is a planned city and all.. places are supposed to be very alligned to each other, and the map is quite easy to understand because everything on the map look square-ish. But the suburbs have lots of small junctions and street in between. Unless we Google-mapped first, everything would get very hair-wired.

House-hunting.

Ah... a topic I'd rather not explain. The situation is pretty hairy at the moment. We just pray our hardest for our length of stay at our senior's house isn't gonna be that long. As of now, we're okay with camping on our senior's living room. But really, we hate to become a liability and we really need a house BAD.

The houses we have looked at so far were good. Well, most of them are. But the problem is sometimes we don;t like the price of the rent. Sometimes the house is far from any bus stops. Two houses that we like so far haven't had the agent call us back and these houses are SUPERB wey.. We have already fallen in love at the first sight of them, but yeah... Que sera sera! Let's just pray for the best!

Halal food.

Yiros kebab. Coles market. Nando's. And our favourite so far, Swinging Bowl.

It's a malay restaurant, siap dengan nasi campur and all that. Lauk ayam masak lemak, masak rendang, masak kari, sayur campur. Swinging bowl translates into Mangkuk Hayun and we meet a lot of student from Malaysia there too!

hoho... well, ok. that's it for now! Penat la. it's already 2 am and i just spent my whole day walking from around the city and suburbs of S.A.

More to come!! :D

tiger. valentine's. apple. australia

2010-02-11T05:07:00.000-08:00

Tiger

Because Chinese New Year is this Saturday. To those who celebrate, may you enjoy your holiday. To my friends who are going to Australia and won't have the chance to celebrate this day with family, friends and loved ones, still, Gong Xi Fa Chai. Spend your time well before you go. :)

Valentine's

I don't celebrate Valentine's. But still, it's nice to know that we still have love in this convoluted world. Not everything is bad.

Apple

For Fiona. I just love her voice. Taking a break from disco, techno, rocking song for a while and just enjoying a nice combination of blues and jazz. Been feeling a little morose, but that's only normal I suppose.

Here's a little Fiona Apple for this year's Valentine's.

i'm sentimental so I walk in the rain

i've got some habits even I can't explain

i go to the corner, but i end up in spain

why try to change me now

i sit and daydream

i've got daydreams galore

cigarette ashes

there they go on the floor

go away weekends

leave my keys in the door

why try to change me now

why cant i be more conventional

people stop and they stare

so i try

but that can't be

cuz i can't see

my strange little world

just go passing me by

let people wonder

let them laugh, let them frown

you know i love you till the moon's upside down

don't you remember

i was always your clown

why try to change me now

why would you change me

why try to change me now

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8uf1n1wUfxE

Australia

Is where I would be in two days, God's willing. Don't say goodbye. But until we meet again..

calm storm

2010-02-08T20:19:00.001-08:00

The air is crackling with tension, the wind feels a little heavy and blows a tad too strong.

In the sky, a swirling pool of dark clouds begin to form, and everyone around gets an eerie premonition of something sinister that's brewing in the town.

And there I sit in the eye of tornado. Surrounded by calamitous storm and chaos.

Calm and peace is all I ever ask for.

If there ever was a wish of mine that never came true

is of adults that can't be calm and have panic attacks all the time

I am young and I'm scared

I can't cry out for help from someone who is drowning with fear too

Painfully waiting day by day

Hoping not to just get by but for something to get better

for a progress

all noises blocked out

I deafen myself for my heart and pride couldn't suffer through

another beatings and abuse

mentally checking my temper

keeping my expression neutral

soothing words for my own ears

because no other would believe what mine own wouldn't call lies

please stop putting all the blames on me

today

2010-02-08T04:21:00.000-08:00

I took a detour down memory lane. But not virtually, I was there.

I was at first torn between doing what was right, and doing what I wanted. Curiosity got the best of me in the end.

I gave in. I agreed.

While I was waiting, I was sorely tempted to just scream uncle and run. To stood her up.

But, that would be very bitchy of me, after I have already agreed to the 'date'. Today's purpose was to prove otherwise, not reinforce. (I'm not a bitch, honest.)

So I went.

I met.

We met.

We talked.

We were awkward.

But..

Surprisingly, it went okay.

It was not exactly fun, but it was nice.

Our conversation was laced with silences (at least to me) sometimes, but I didn't exactly feel uncomfortable sitting beside her, talking and eating side by side. I was relieved. We were very civil and polite. To be honest, I at least expected something to lash out from either one of us. I would be lying if I said I didn't anticipate the dam to just break free. But no.

No skeletons were dug out.

Our conversations were very safe, we threaded our words carefully as if they were fragile. My smile and laughters were not engineered as well. I didn't feel restrained from being myself.

What I do find odd was the way her eyes avoided from looking straight into mine. I have the habit of looking someone in their eyes while having conversation, (that is, if I want to have the conversation) but I kept finding hers staring at anything but mine.

Which gives me nothing to speculate on unless I start assuming things but assuming makes an ass out of me and her, but the irony is I am already assuming things aren't I?

Damn.

It seems that I was worrying over nothing being that everything went smoothly.

I feel good.

I didn't chicken out.

I'm taking baby steps to sweeten up what went sour in the past. Trying to not make it too hard on myself because I'm just a normal human being who make mistakes.

Que sera sera.

hospital

2010-02-06T23:55:00.001-08:00

Call an ambulance, I want to get better.

I think I have been focusing on the wrong thing.

I want to feel what's right. :)

three

2010-02-05T09:35:00.000-08:00

Three things I wish to highlight in this post:

1. Run

Some things make you good. Some make you bad. Run from the things that's no good for you.

Run like I did.

Before it's too late.

2. Old pain, post-traumatic.

Why do I feel like screaming? again.

Don't apologize, I don't even know why I did what I did.

I only know what you did.

Apology accepted, now will you move on and leave me alone?

3. Pretend

Do i have to put on a facade? A plastic smile on my lips will tell you that everything is fine. A front will only make you judge me further, revealing my true self will make you turn and shake your head in disgust and disapproval. Nothing can ever satisfy you.

If I may say, I'd rather be myself, at least I do it with a little dignity and my pride intact.

wish

2010-02-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

i wish he was you

ampun, tok, janji x buat lagi!

2010-02-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

Erm............
Kalau buat baek, orang ingat sekejap je.. Nanti pupus laa ingatan orang terhadap jasa baik kite. Tapi rasenye2 kalau aq buat jahat, memang pegi mane2 mesti kene batang hidung sendiri balik!!!

Huaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahhahah~~~ >.<

Saye janji xkan buat jahat lagiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!
Siyes, I swear!
Saye akan bagi clean slate. Jangan sebut 'bende' tu depan aq lagi.. Hahahah.. :P
Let me start afresh? Pretty please? ;;)

Okay, move on people!

DELETE

2010-02-03T08:58:00.000-08:00

hahaha... In my Facebook profile, a quiz on "who's your TWILIGHT boy" is on display.
And when abah saw this, he was like,

WEYYY WHO IS THIS EMMETT CULLEN???""

LOL
Remind me to not put any crap on display in Fb profile. :)

merci beaucoup

2010-02-02T02:30:00.000-08:00

My life wouldn't be as easy as it is now without mak and abah. :)
Overall, sebenarnye saye sgt luckyyyyy~~~~~ ^_^
Alhamdulillah. I know some people don't have it easy. And I may not have it all, but what I have is enough. Sometimes more than enough. My life isn't tough because there people for me to fall back on.
Senang. Memang laa x selalu meminta sangat dengan mak abah, but sometimes bile mintak and reasonable, boleh dapat. Oh, xla to the extend of petik jari je dapat. Gile kene baling periuk aq macam tu! But saye sgt2 bersyukur ade mak abah yang boleh provide for their children when they need it. I have to be more careful and work harder to not burden them by asking for more in the future!!! >.<

I was worried actually preparing for departure. When I ask my friends who are also doing architecture I suddenly realised that damn this course requires quite an expenditure!!!!
Pening fikir nak pakai laptop yang competant,camera,sketching pencils,pen, etc etc..
Klaw depend on duit scholar je.. Um,,payah jugak tuu...
But as I voiced my worries to my parents they were sort of cool with it.
"They will be taken care of", according to them.
Wow, I must tell you, I felt guilty and also relieved at the same time....
I cannot help but think about those who are less fortunate than me and if their parents are able to say such thing so candidly and carelessly.

*sigh*
I hate to think that I'm spoiled. Well, if I am then I suppose I'm only spoiled on average.
But ma, abah.
Thank you...
I am grateful. ^_^

i am a beggar always
who begs in your mind
(slightly smiling, patient, unspeaking
with a sign on his
chest
BLIND)yes i
am this person of whom somehow
you are never wholly rid(and who
does not ask for more than
just enough dreams to
live on) -e.e cummings

ahoy mate!

2010-02-01T05:11:00.000-08:00

Received a SUPER great news from my friend!!!! :D
I was literally jumping with joy when I heard it! Ah, but the greatness of having friends. When they are happy you are happy for them and with them too.

It boggles me that I've got less than 2 weeks before I go to the land down under!!!
Waaahhh~~ where did all the hours and seconds go to?
It's so mental! I feel sick with anticipation. Dread and excitement is coursing through my veins for what is yet to come!! Jeng jeng~

Um, anyways.

I still feel a little sad by the fact that my sister won't be able to send me off. I mean, it will be a long time before I get to see her again. I miss her very dearly. But oh well, touche! Because I wasn't there when she was flying off to Indonesia 2 years ago.

(Have to pack my things now.. 20kg only ah??? Aiyaaa.. Die lahh!

long distance everything

2010-01-23T23:51:00.000-08:00

Had a talk with my best friend the other day. As always we would talk about what 'will' be. Truth is, we have this conversation everytime my life take a turn for big canges. and everytime, the conversation always feel like one of those in shrink-patient scene.

We agreed that blogging would be a perfect way to let each other know what happens to the other party. (I suck at communicating through a device called telephone and I suck equally at ym-ing or skype-ing).
Actually, I'm just too good at long distance relationship. Pfft.
Really. I could go on not worrying myself if I didn't know what was happening to the 'other person'. Blame it on my optimism. 'Ignorant' really is a harsh word.

Told you I'm good at this huh?
Too good in fact that if anyone didn't know me better, I'd be accused of being a snob,anti-social or that I just couldn't care less.
Yep, I've heard it all before. Tired of making excuses for myself. Sometimes I think what they say is just soo dead-on!

Try convincing someone you that you care for them and that while occasionally you do forget about them and just because you don't call them, it doesn't change the fact that yes, you miss them, and yes, they mean a lot to you.
IT'S NOT THAT SIMPLE. =___=
Because that cliche-d line in cheesy romantic movies;
"Just because I don't show it doesn't mean I don't feel it"
doesn't work as easily as it seems........

Which explains why I get a stream of curses thrown at me every single time based on the crime of not picking up the phone first.

If I have a real shrink in front of me, I'd ask him to tell me if it reaally is an ego thing. Maybe it's a rejection thing.
You know,if you don't call them first you wouldn't know if they didn't pick up the phone because they don't want you, or because they're too busy to spare some nanosecond time with you. Either way, not trying seems a lot easier and the plus is you wouldn't know anything about being rejected because you rejected them first.
Phew.

Wow, I don't need a shrink after all! I could do it all by myself.
I should've taken psychiatric indeed what with my phsycho-analysing and shit.

But at least now I know the people who are still in my life are either blood-bound or they really want to be with me despite being rejected. (not I intentionally reject them. it's subconciously). And that they're a lot stronger than I am. Or maybe they're just too annoying to let me off the hook. Hahaha... I'm kidding.
I'm glad you didn't let me go simply because I wouldn't call.
Sometimes the solution is to just call me if you know I wouldn't. :P

No lah.. Seriously, I'll try harder. But if I fail, I hope you won't give up on me.
Because I'm good at long distance everything, remember? :)

united states of euphoria

2010-01-23T08:25:00.000-08:00

We can't be happy all the time. But at least we can try. Because no one wants to be sad. The less we think about it, the more we can just be.

gender-interest stereotypes

2010-01-22T10:56:00.000-08:00

Whoah, my favourite topic. Gender issues. Yaayyy!
Ever had one of those conversations with other people where they ask you about your hobbies or interests where they go:

Jane Doe: Yeah, so what do you do in your free time?
Me: Anything i guess..
Jane Doe: Play any musical instrument?
Me: Um... Keyboard,but I suck at it. I've always wanted to play a bass though....
Jane Doe: *raised eyebrows* BASS huh??

Oh, how irksome it is to have someone questioning your interests just because it doesn't 'behoove' your gender to have so-and-so interest/hobbies. >.<
You'd think people would open their narrow mind once in a while and not look at you like you're an oddball... Ngeh.
I even hear THIS sometimes which I think is absolutely silly and preposterous:

"You listen to that? I thought that's a guy kinda music."

Seriously, what does that even mean?Music is supposed to be universal, so universal in fact that it overcomes language barriers all over the world but it could NOT transcends GENDER? Bah.

That's a load of bull if you ask me. Interests are interests.You don't have to adopt a hobby because it suits your sex. Really, I've always wanted to learn how to play bass. Not because it's 'cool', or because "That's how I roll". I simply like the sound of that sexy instrument. Because it sounds deeper and...sexaayyyy...

But of course lah there shouldn't be any "Only a boy should do that." "Only fags listen to classical music because Mozart was also a fag." "Oh, girls shouldn't listen to such violent songs because we are so,so delicate...." =p

Come on people!! I just wanna listen to some rock n roll and not just dance on my ballerina shoes~~~ cut me some slack will yaaaaa....

p/s: d'arcy wretzky of the smashing pumpkins. <3

chasing something

2010-01-22T02:36:00.000-08:00

This state of nothing-ness is fast coming to an end! Mwarrr~ ^__^
Finally something to really look forward to and I don't mean waiting for result to come out or the long awaited emails and letters than seem to take ages to be delivered to you.
Oh well.

Never mind that, but I've been feeling so pumped up lately~~ YEAH!
Before, I was almost an empty shell. Walking around in a state of idiocy and plastic joy. Real fun comes when you have something to look forward to. A human would be empty without any of these things I believe: Religion, dreams and who wants to guess what else?
Lurrveeee lah what else? =p

Dang, I dont want to risk sounding like some corny moron. So let's stop at that. Put simply, you gotta be chasing something in life or at least have a purpose. I certainly don't want to waste my whole life figuring what I want to do. Why don't I just jump headfirst into the water and figure it out along the way rather than trying to figure it all so hard than I forgot to even experience life.
Life so far isn't quite as hard as I imagine it would be. But maybe I've been lucky all these while. Gotta appreciate this to the fullest no? You never know when life would start throwing shitload of lemons instead of peaches at you!

***

Been checking out my school senior's deviantart gallery. Mi~~ <3
I've always felt a certain awe towards her.. I mean, not her, but at what she can do. She's darn good!!! She's probably not the best there is, (but compared to me.. oh boyyy) I know there must be about gazillion talented geniuses out there. But she's someone I know and I wanna start off by surpassing someone who isn't a total stranger.
Yeah, I'm pretty competitive. Rawr~ =p

You can check out some of her art jam work. WARNING. They may contain mature content or images. It's not so bad, but some people are touchy about this obscenity thingy... But mostly they're pretty cool and cute. Browse at your own risk, prudss! ^_^

http://megane.deviantart.com/

p/s: Sorry Nana, but I refuse to give u my ID. I'll show u some of my work when I'm rich and famous and successful as an architect one day. hahaha.... :PP

dusty and rusty

2010-01-20T07:03:00.000-08:00

Omygod, I have finally retrieved my deviantart password back. And when I looked at all the drawings I in my gallery, only one word popped out inside my brain and the word is DUSTY. >.<
Fah. Must have been about 2 years since I last updated it. I'm pretty sure I can't even draw a straight line now....

You know that feeling when you kinda remember something good and your heart starts pounding reaaallly fast? That's exactly how I feel when I looked back at all my past work stashed behind the table in my room. The re-discovery of passion towards something. In my case, it's drawing. Well, okay, most of the time it's just sketching because sometimes I 'couldn't' get around to actually drawing it properly. ( Me being lazy. Go figure.) Ngeh.

BUT I WANNA DRAW AGAIEEENNNNNNNNNN~~~~~~~

p/s: it's ugleyyhhhh!!! gotta work harder... >.<

things i can't say

2010-01-19T05:05:00.000-08:00

I guess I will see you after all...
I just don't think it's good to go on like this. Nadon is right. Resentment is poison. The world would be a beautiful place if all human feel a lot less of resentment. Wow that sounds unrealistic.
But hating someone is tiring..
Why do people say that hating is easier? *sigh*
Now how am I suppose to act in front of you?
Is there a right way to talk to somebody?

I think I will wish you all the best.

What I can't say is that, I think even under a different circumstances we still couldn't get each other. I hope you won't try because I don't want you to.

babe ruthless

2010-01-18T08:37:00.001-08:00

Jyeah for another inspirational film like this one. Kudos ex-wild-celebrity-child Drew Berrymore on her directional debut. :)
I guess what I like about this film the most is that although a person is a social misfit, if a person look for it hard enough, she'll find her niche where there's only acceptance and laughter.
And Ellen Page is just too cute for anyone to miss this.
Love the toy boy, love the poster girl, love the T-shirt, and I so love the ass-kicking part.

p/s: can i just say, the swimming pool scene?? sexy. :)

toing toing~

2010-01-18T00:03:00.000-08:00

I give frequently but I seldom take.

And trust is a commodity that many seek but can never have.

DUSH!

don't wanna see u

2010-01-17T01:08:00.000-08:00

Berdepan dgn masalah.. :'(
Macam mane korang bagitau someone yang korang xnak jumpe him/her?
Damn.

This is how the story goes. Aq ade sorang member ni. Honestly, dy x rapat sgt dengan aq. Honestly jugak, aq x brape suke dy. Aq xtawu ape perasaan dy kat aq, tapi aq rase dy x suke aq. Senang kate, last time, when we were together, ade gelombang2 dan aura2 x sedap antare aq ngan dy. Tapi both of us sort of just ignore each other dan tidak menghadapi konfrontasi. Tapi mase kitorang bawak haluan masing2, memang dah bermaaf-maafan. Aq memaafkan prasaan x elok yg we had towards each other dulu. But.. I know myself better than anyone. Sometimes kite nak maafkan seseorang tu, tapi hati kite masih marah lagi.
Mungkin kite bermaaf-maafan mase tu pun sebab it was coming to an end and we might not see each other again.
Ikhlas ke aq dan kau???
It's hard to be around that person because inside my mind I keep on replaying and rewinding the hurt and resentment I felt towards said person.

Bukan la aq benci kat dy. Tapi senang kate, aq memang susah jugak kot nak NGAM ngan dy. Wavelength x same. Circumstances made us friends. But I don't think that we're real friends. Because friends just don't do..... The things we did to each other.
I cannot come to terms to the things she said to me.
I cannot come to terms to the accusations that was not said to me, but was thought of by everyone at that time anyway. I know because it was in their eyes. The misunderstanding was so deep that I could do nothing but cry.

Sume tu dah xpenting skarang. Tapi aq betul2 rase xnak berdepan dgn dy lagi dah...
Dy kate nak jumpe aq bwat kali terakhir sebelum aq pergi ke Australia. Dy tanye seolah2 memintak permission aq sebelum aq pergi. Dy jugak bertanye seolah2 dy betul2 berharap nak jumpe dgn aq seblum aq pergi.
Waaaarghhhhhhh~~~~ Help meeeeeee!
:((
Aq pun insyaallah, dah nak pegi ke negare orang. In the future, blum tentu aq boleh jumpe dgn dy lagi. Tapi aq takut sgt2.
Takut~~~~~
Aq xnak get hurt by what that person may say to me again. It was something I just want to put behind me and never deal with again, and never see again, and never feel again!

Jujur aq cakap, aq masih lagi x boleh lupekan ke-hipokrasi-an kau sebab kau hipokritlah kau pijak aq depan semua orang. For 3 months long. For 3 goddamn months long I was alone and scared and resented and rejected and judged and i dunno!!!, in pain so much that I did everything just to distract myself from those judging eyes of human beings who think they know everything but really, they know nada about.

Notice the bitter resentment in my tone? Reflects my feelings exactly.

Xnak jumpe kau lagi. Tapi aq xnak kau tau yang aq masih x suke kat kau. Argh..
Just say NO nad. Ingat x yang aq ade masalah nak say no to someone?
Say no. Say no. But.... Is it the right choice?
Maafkan jelah orang tu natto..
It's better than being in pain and indebted to someone. It's better to remember the good things and forgive and forget the bad.

Tapi manusia biase mcm aq ni menghadapi masalah mcm ni jugak. :'(
Plz give advice friends? Because I'm torn between doing what's right and avoiding something that just might hurt me again.

Please?

lucky

2010-01-15T03:08:00.000-08:00

lady luck is smiling on me
before me is a tunnel of light
what is it going to be?
will it be a garden of paradise
or the deepest abyst of hell
either way
i'm going to find out

i'm going to lie down in a bed of roses
and with some luck i may escape
the pricking of thorns
for the sweet fragrance
is a temptation I cannot resist

Now let's see where this train is taking me to.

taking chances

2010-01-13T09:32:00.000-08:00

what do you say to taking chances?what do you say to jumping of the edge never knowing if there's solid ground below, or hand to hold, or hell to pay.

~Taking chances. Currently my favourite song. :)
You're wasting your time reading this blog. It says so in the URL. go figure. :P

play doctor and playboy.

2010-01-12T06:01:00.000-08:00

Ye, saye suke tgk HOUSE M.D.

TAK, saye TAKNAK jadi DOKTOR.

Ye, saye suke tgk HOUSE BUNNY.

NO, x bermaksud saye nak JADI PLAYBOY BUNNY.

STOP ASKING ME Y I DON'T WANNA BECOME A DOCTOR.

I'm pretty sure we're not short on doctors in Malaysia. Gee, i dunno. I'm just saying. But i'm pretty sure, agak konfem, bahawe FAMILY aq sangat penuh dengan para DOKTOR2 sekalian.

I'm an asshole for not wanting to go to med school and stick my finger up someone's ass???

So what! I'm still a rock star!

erbs... yet another emo post reflecting my state of emo-ness!

yeahh... when are people gonna start accepting me for what i'm passionate about?

cheese and macaroni!!!! im going crazyyyyyy~

sir jamie oliver

2010-01-11T11:17:00.000-08:00

Sape kat sini suke memasak??? Angkat tangan please.

Sebab aq x suke memasak. Haha... Aq x suke memasak especially kalau org suruh aq masakkan untuk dyrang. Ahhh, banyak cikadak kau?? Kau yg nak makan, kau pegi la masak megi kari ke ape, byk cantek kau nak suruh aq masakkan. Huh.

Sungguh aq cakap same lu, memasak tu buat i berpeluh2. Panas u...

Dah la kene berdiri lame2, saket tumit dy lagi teruk drpd aq shopping 5 jam.

Tabik kat orang yang pandai masak. Sebab aq pandai makan je. :)

Sebenarnye mase kecik2 dulu, aq berminat gile nak memasak. Tapi mase aq umur 6-7 tahun dulu, aq suke berdiri kat dapur untuk tgk time bibik aq masak dulu. *dulu aq berbibik, tapi skarang dah xde dah* Tapi bibik aq ni dulu garang cam singe betine lapar. Dy kate aq "MENYEMAK" bile aq curious tengok dy memasak dulu. Cipan kau!

Lepas tu, bile bibik aq tu dah di-fired oleh maharani rumah aq ni, aq pulak tolong maharani memasak. Tapi, apekan daya aq.. Mak aq garang jugak sebenarnye. Aq kalaw bab masak2 ni dulu amateur cket. Bawang nak hiris ngan potong membulat pun aq x reti. Mak aq suruh tutup periuk, aq pegi tutup api dapur... Nak menyanyi dalam dapur pun x boleh. Nanti 'overcooked' laa, dapur terbakar laa orang kate... Yada yada yada, last2 kene marah gak ngan mak aq mase tolong2 dy memasak dulu last2 aq pun malas laa nak memasak lagi. Asyik kene marah je, aq pun bosan jugak. Aq menerima dgn redha bhawe aq xde talent untuk memasak...

*abang aq lagi pandai memasak dari aq! ceit! nasi goreng dy aq bagitawu korang, memang best tahap cipan. bagi aq la... :P

Tapi aq ade secret yang x seberape secret nak bagitau. Aq suke tgk lelaki memasak especially lelaki yang bername Jamie Oliver itu... Haha..

Sir Jamie, tolong lah ajar saye memasak. *bat eyelash*. Aq kan duduk kat jb, so kitorang dpt curik line singapore. Channel 5 tuh channel singapore la. Petang2 dy slalu tunjuk Jamie Oliver's show. Aq follow from Jamie tu single, sampai lah dy dah kawen dgn girlfriend dy dan ade sorang daughter. Saye nak Jamie Oliver. <3 Hahaha~

And NOW. Cuti 2 bulan. Boring, aq x tawu nak buat ape kat rumah. Aq dah re-run sume cite hindustan yang ade kat rumah aq ni, the Mentalist season 1 dah abis tengok, Gossip Girl season 2 rerun, dengan GLEE! season 1 pun aq dah habis tgk jugak... Jadi ape yang aq buat skarang ni????

Aq memasak.

Yeah baby yeah. Tahap kebosanan aq ialah, sampai macam tu sekali. Tengah hari ok lagi, aq bukak Faceook, aq twitter, tgk movie ke ape kan.. Kalau mmber ajak kuar, aq pun kuar dari rumah. Tapi kalau aq duduk rumah, petang2 dalam pukul 5-6 tu.... Bowsan dy... Astaga... Sampai nak menangis jugak lah bosan dy. Aq nak kuar jalan2 amek angin, cycling around neighbourhood kat sini... But NOooooOooo..

Perempuan bahaye kuar rumah sorang2 la, nak pegi kedai depan rumah pun x boleh, cycling pun x boleh sebab takut kene snatch masuk van lah... Perogol sini sane, perompak, pencurik, penjahat, pembunuh, semua evil villain keluar daaa.... Aq malas nak pk banyak2, last2 aq masuk dapur, bukak oven.

Tadaaaa~~~

Aq buat vanilla cupcakes, chocolate cupcakes, mars bars cupcakes, toffee apple tart, dan lasagna. YES! Ok, tapi honestly, yang aq buat first time betul-betul jadik ialah chocolate cupcakes dgn mars bars cupcakes je. Vanilla cupcakes tu keras sgt aq buat, lasagna pulak mcm ade hangus cket topping cheddar cheese dy, yang toffee apple tart tu pulak filling dy memang best... Tapi dough dy keras cam biskut. Like, it's my first time buat dough okay.... So kalau Jamie Oliver jadi cikgu aq pun mesti dy bangge dengan pencapaian aq ni. YATTA~! :D

Sir Jamie, disebabkan saye terlalu bosan jugak, saye telah masuk kelas baking pade setiap hari Sabtu PAGI. *Gile aq ni.. Who the heck wakes up in the morning on Saturdays??
Sir Jamie, disebabkan saye masak, saye jugaklah yang makan ape yang saye masak; saye sangat takut.....
Takut tailored trousers and blazer aq tak muat nanti~~~~ >.<

But Sir Jamie. I hope you're proud of me. :)

p/s: Oh ye.. Sape2 nak gelak kat aq sebab aq memasak, meh sini aq bitch-slap engkau. Aq memasak je pun, bukannye pegi bunuh orang. Xpayah jakun sangat boleh x?? Tenkiu! ^_^

okay.

2010-01-09T23:07:00.000-08:00

Baru2 ni perasaan aq mcm tunggang langgang cket..
Dah nak 2 bulan duduk rumah ni, biar laa aq nak cite cket pasal satu bende yang aq mmg susah tahap cipan gile nak control~~
Kesabaran.
Ye, saye cume manusia biase yang kadang2 boleh hilang sabar. Kadang2 boleh control jugak, tapi waalaaaweiii susah kott...
Aq kene let it out ni, and aq tawu lepas ni maybe ade yang pk mcm2 psl aq, judge sini sane.. blablabla... aq x kesah, silelah judge. Korang pun bukan betul sgt kan? ade hati nak judge orang, prejudis la, yadayadayada... HUH. Aq dah malas nak pk lagi psl ape orang nak pk pasal aq. Silap2 boleh saket jiwa~~ wahaha...

1. Pasal kesabaran.
Pelik x kalau aq cakap ngan korang yang bab2 bersabar ngan kawan, aq kire bereputasi tinggi jugak lah. Tapi kalau dengan keluarga sendiri, x kire laa parents ke, adek beradek ke, makcik2 pakcik2 ke, susah siot nak bersabar! Susah~~ *dengan gaye franky*
Alasan aq senang je, sbb kalau ngan member2, kalau dyrang buat perangai bukan2 ngan aq, aq cume pk maybe ade sesuatu psl dy yang kite belum betul2 kenal. Mungkin dy ade sebab mengape dy berkelakuan mcm setan.. Masalah family ke, peribadi ke.. We don't know kan? So, ok, fine, aq bersabar. Tapi bile bab dgn family sndiri... adoii, camne aq nak ckp ha? Kadang2 tu menyedihkan bile family members sendiri x mengenali diri kite. Kadang2 aq rase kawan lagi kenal sape aq sebenarnye. Aq rase tu yang buat aq susah nak sabar dgn ahli keluarge sndiri.

2. Pasal kepercayaan.
BUKAN psl religious belief. Aq dah malas nak pk dan komen psl ape yang kluar dlm berita baru2 ni. Aq juz hope and pray yang Malaysia akan terus aman dan damai. Kepercayaan kat sini berkenaan dengan trust.

Aq x tawu mcm mane nak cakap lagi wey. Aq sedih, aq dah penat dah nak nanges dan marah psl bende ni lagi. :'(
Korang rase sedih x bile korang x dipercayai?
Aq x tawu dah kenape, aq ni bangang sgt ke? X boleh dipercayai sgt ke? Perangai aq ni biol mcm setan sgt ke?
Penat.
Sometimes markah 85.3 tu x mencukupi sesiapa. Tapi aq pedulik ape, janji cukup untuk aq dah laa. Aq bukan the 'best student' dalam kelas, atau kolej, tapi aq bangge dgn sape diri aq.
Sedih kadang2 dengar drpd mulut orang yg kite paling rapat yang kite x di-expect untuk mencapai kecemerlangan, padahal kawan2 sendiri percaye yang kite ni kuat dan boleh berjaye.

Kadang2 aq harap sangat2 ape yang dyrang cakap xkan menjatuhkan aq.
Tapi kadang2 aq dah bosan bile semua bende yang aq bwat is to prove something to someone.
Aq xnak prove something to someone dah. Aq pun dah lame berhenti buat mcm tu.
Cukup kalau aq dapat mmbuktikan sesuatu kepade diri aq sndiri.
Aq tawu aq selfish, tapi aq jujur bile aq cakap ape yang buat semua ni, hanyelah untuk diri aq sendiri. Bukan untuk diri orang laen.
Mungkin jugak untuk negare, agama dan untuk berbakti kepade masyarakat.
Tapi aq hanye akan buat sesutu yang memenuhi diri aq.
Aq xkan buat sesuatu yang memenuhi kehendak atau kemahuan orang laen.
Ape gunenye aq buat sesutu yang akhirnya aq xkan rase gembire? Mcm bangang je.
Aq jugak xkan jadik orang laen semate2 untuk ditunjuk-tunjukkan pade org laen.
Sebab at the end of the day, kite jugak yg akan menyesal.

Sebab tu lah... Bile aq dah pilih jalan ni, ape2 yang terjadi in the future, aq xkan menyalahkan orang laen. I made my choice. Sometimes all I need is for you to have a little faith in me.

P/s: dan aq bersyukur dgn sokongan yg korang dah bagi selame ni. Wpun mungkin ni bukan kemahuan korang, tapi aq serius harap korang menerima kemahuan aq.

Post xnak EMO habes kan?

2010-01-09T06:50:00.000-08:00

Sory, just one quick post due to the sudden, swift change of my mood.

FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!

I don't know where else to say this. Pardon the profanity.

to a friend

2010-01-09T05:49:00.000-08:00

You may feel lonely now but if you have opened the door and leave it unlocked, you'll hear a knocking on that door which you have been missing for so long.
Saturday night. An hour, a day, a week, a month, a year will come and pass.
I'll pray this love will last.
So be strong! And have faith.

:)

gotta learn how to say NO.

2010-01-08T07:19:00.000-08:00

I'm officially a dum-dum.
I might have just gotten out from college and done with Ausmat, but one thing I have not learned just yet is how to just. say. NO.

Say no, nad! Seriously!
If you've already made an appointment with one party,
you DO NOT need to agree to another one that could coincide with the former appointment.

I know I sound like such a weakling. Don't deny it, please, to anyone who's reading this now.
It's awful to not be able to say no! I have always been like this. Since school. And it's a weakness that I'm so ashamed of, so very hate, because you're probably thinking that I get pushed around.
But, I think I'm not? But am i?? CAN anyone answer that question please????

Because I enjoy doing what I do!

In secondary school, I joined 3 clubs. And, yeah, I have problems when the meeting is held on the same day, at the same time. I remember on the odd saturdays where i attend the meetings, and I kind of have to run around from one building to another. Running from 3rd floor to the music room on the first floor, and then to the choir club on the next building, and back to ELS on the 3rd. Ha-bloody-ha, and when there's a formal occassion in the main hall, I had to quickly run backstage after the opening caklempong (a music instrument very much like gamelan), and make a mad dash after changing my clothes to join the choir for the 'in-between.'

I didn't join all that because I feel like I had to,honestly because I wanted too.
But I guess biting more than you can chew is asking too much huh?
Maybe I'm greedy. That's why I keep saying yes, oui, si to all the good things that came my way.
Good things, which, if taken in moderation is okay, but I'm not taking it in moderation!

Like when I promised Nana that I would watch movie with her. But I also agreed to watch movie with my classmates. So in the end I didn't get to watch Jennifer's Body with Nana.. I still feel bad because I promised you. And I broke it. I did want to watch it with you. It was not the movie part that is so important, it's the part where I would spend my time time with you and I didn't that made my regret it so. :'(
Sorry nana... sob sob.

Oh, and last raya. Same case. Agreed to meet my closest friends, and ended up not meeting them because I went out with another crowd. Because I thought I was a wise-ass.
Thought that I could manage both you know?
Like, somehow maybe.. I could have the cake and eat it too.

I'm such a sad excuse for a living human being.

Now, I have to choose. To singapore? Or to Kl?
Which izzit gona be kiddo? Because you know you can't say YES to both of them.
You know you have to dissapoint someone, or else you'll end up dissapointing everyone. Including yourself.

Nad, don't be greedy ok!! Having a fun is better than having no fun at all!

oh miss kerek!

2010-01-06T21:17:00.000-08:00

Pernah x korang masuk kedai2 yg high end, designer brands, and pekerja2 kat situ mcm, um, whats the word for it....

KEREK NAK MAMPOS~

Like, what iz ur problem? *angkat seblah kening*

Er, kau ingat kau keje kat Topshop tu maknenye kau "better" lah from all the other people.....

Bangang, service mcm mada~~~~ *hohoho...*

I dont give a flying eff how stylish you are, that does not give you the right to treat me like shiiiittttttt....

I mean, serious laa it's not that hard being nice to orang2 laen.

What bullllll...!
Man, i'm tired of being treated like trash when in fact, I think, you're the trash.

Suck that, mother............ nature. Like, middle. finger. to. you! ^_^

what's next? =D

2010-01-03T05:49:00.000-08:00

Hey, this year has so far begun well! :)
Alhamdulillah! Hopefully the saying that all good things must come to an end does not apply to me. Even if it does, I guess God does His work in mysterious ways. But as of now, I shall enjoy and be grateful to good things that comes in life.. ^_^
Appreciating kindness attract kindness too.

1st January-
Well, I come from a family who doesn't celebrate new year. All the hype and booze and partying aren't really us. But that doesn't keep me from longing to go out and meet with my friends sometimes. I'm just a simple girl after all, always attracted to events and fun and curious with all that shenanegans that comes with them. =p
But to me New Year is like Christmas, or CNY or Deepavali, Esters etc. I don't celebrate them, but that really doesn't stop me from being happy and actually enjoy myself with family and friends.

So far, New Year means watching the fireworks from the idiotbox. Sometimes I get 'live' sound effect too because apparently I live in a neighbourhood who loves to celebrate. Like seriously!
Aidilfitri? Mercun. CNY? Mercun. Deepavali? Mercun. Christmas? Mercun....
New Year? Colourful fireworks and of course! MERCUN! ^_^

My family doesn't go out on New Year's Eve or Day. They don't wanna get caught in mad traffic jam. Places will also be flooded with lots of people like the streets in India and Japan. Mak and abah are especially wary of drunken drivers too. So that kinda explains why we never go to Kl like everyone else for New Year.
But 2010 is indeed different!
Because this time we went to Kl.
But it's for my mom's best friend's daughter's wedding.
Ergh, complicated. In other words, the daughter of her best friend's is getting hitched. Ahha.. :)

And I get to see my parents talking animatedly so with their old friends.
I wonder how I would act if I were at one of my friend's wedding?
The idea is so superbly WILD! ^_^ In a good way.

And on new year's night, my dad had a sort of small reunion with his MCKK friends at Taipan.
It's a super weird sight. Makes me wonder if someday I'll be like that with my friends too..
We stayed like until 2 a.m at Naili's, which is not unusual if I was with member2 lah kan, but I was with Yayang and both my parents. We never stayed out and up so late, but we gave abah a chance to really blast it with his old friends.
Having cold peaches served with ice cream for late supper is super sedap weyh... =)

2nd January-
Guess what? I went to OU with Hany.. ^_^
Isy, tawu x how much I miss all my Kbu friends? I can't help but feel a certain bittersweet sadness whenever I realised how much I've lost contact with some of them.
I dunno if anyone misses me, but I know I miss them. A lot!
I stayed until 3 because I had to leave for Jb at 5..
It was short, but it was very nice to see Hany again and catch up on stuff and shop!

So now I'm hoping for many more good things to come to us all in the future.
Wherever, whenever. ^_^

p/s: I make resolutions every new day. But I always try to strengthen them when new year comes.
I wanna appreciate and be grateful to everyone and everything around me~ ^-^

Au revoir!

Esc

2009-12-30T10:51:00.000-08:00

Short for escape.

I realise that I am currently posting more and more random-er posts in this stupid blog of mine.
Huh.
What else is there to do....
The situation has changed:

Now my ENTIRE family has Facebook.
Geddit?
Ergo,
my private-okay,not so private-bubble in the form of social networking site has been breached by both dearest mom and dad.

I did tell them that they should learn more about 'techy' stuff, but this is just pushing it.
Now they're hooked, and it's all my fault for handing out those little packets cocaine to them...
I should've warn them to NOT go down this path......
This addiction to Facebook is a one-way ticket honey.

Now, I've got nowhere else to go, except Twitter and of course, this blog.
There are certain things that your parents should not know about you.
There's a side of you that every parents shouldn't see.
There are things your parents shouldn't even hear coming from you.
But we're all just human beings. Human beings have flaws.
And teenagers/young adults are the most flawed of them all!

How do you explain to your parents certain things you commented on the status of friends?
What do you say to them when they make assumptions out of every posts you post on the homepage of said social networking site?
How do you stop your frantic heartbeats whenever they look at the numerous nonsensical, risque photos of you in your photoalbums??
How to block/evade/avoid/run/ESCAPE from explaining and providing answers from the various things they asked regarding said things above?????

I understand their curiosity.
They after all, have the right to know your whatabouts and whereabouts no?
And we children are indeed their biggest interest and concern in life.
Eh bien.

I suppose if they have to know things about me..
They better get the facts right from the right sources.
And Facebook is just bulls eye.

I just hope you don't judge me too much from it.
What is seen from a person's perspective is always only one side of the story.
Just have a little faith in me. And trust me more.
Because a little faith and hope can get you far.
Perhaps I'm the second-brat (next to my brother) in the family, but I'm not all bad.
I'm not the best child there is, but I hope I can be. And will be.
And I cannot change who I am. This is me!

Every step in my life may not be all for you,
but you do take about a major share in it.

ok.

2009-12-29T08:41:00.000-08:00

what more can I say?

Alhamdulillah is the only word I can think of now.

runaway.

2009-12-28T05:56:00.001-08:00

You know,
you can't wait and be patient like everyone else.
I had to be patient.
I had to remain calm.
It's about me.
Why do you have to make it all soo damn hard?

If my words can't get through to you,
maybe my actions will.

For now just let me run away.

cupcakes.

2009-12-27T02:53:00.000-08:00

Went to mph last night with yayang, abah and mak.
Ikram went back to s.alam yesterday morning.
It's sad when I opened my eyes at 11 am in the morning, and there he was, standing beside my bed and shaking my shoulders to wake me up.
With blurry eyes I slurred my words, "Wha..?"
He extended his hand to me and said he was leaving to s.alam.
As we salam, I thought to myself, Saturday already?

That night, at 3am I slept without the blaring of the stereo coming from the next room.

But it was not all so bad.
Yayang and I was sitting on the carpeted floor of the 'cookery' section,
flipping through pages and pages of cupcakes photos.
Holidays are fast coming to an end. Yet there we were, only beginning to start baking! :)

I hope it will not be so disasterous. I, after all, have baked cupcakes before.
But with a father who doubles as a food critic at home... You know.
Will update on the end product of Yayang's cupcakes and mine. Tata! :D

easy. so cheesy.

2009-12-26T00:55:00.000-08:00

Don't say things like that.
You have no idea how I feel.
I don't just sit around, waiting for my rocket to come.
Have I ever make it seem or sound so easy?
You know, when you look up into the dark sky at night
you only see one side of the moon.

The one with a bunny sillouette on it.

a realisation.

2009-12-25T00:29:00.000-08:00

I know many people has told me this before..
I agree with what they said.
Is it wrong if I think there's nothing wrong with that?

A thud.
and then I realised...
If the Major cannot come to India,
then India will come to Major.
So I don't care what you say!
But don't say I didn't try. ;)

dillema

2009-12-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

I wonder if this is a question everyone has ever asked themselves...
Does a cellphone work to make you feel happier and glad,
or does it make you sadder and lonely?

I sure as hell dunno how to answer this one.

sing!

2009-12-23T07:44:00.000-08:00

Hey, you make me listen to love songs.
You make me smile,
you make me sing.
Are you smiling now too?
because I smile when I think of you.
I'm scared of what's gonna come next
but you kinda make me wanna see what's coming too.

You're in every song I sing.
Kyaa~ =)

everyone, again.

2009-12-21T04:25:00.000-08:00

Meeting up with people you left behind for some time brings back fond memories
Sitting for hours talking and laughing
All problems seem so far away, like they don't exist
For the time being, looking into the laughing eyes you once knew so well
is worth everything in the world.
Opening stories of the past,
friendship and love and families
this moment we share
it's something older than time itself.

Peeking and taking glimpses at the mirrors of yesterday,
we were not one of the cool crowd
we were not one of the popular crowd
we were not one of the bookish crowd
we were not teacher's pet
we were not problematic,idiotic, drama-chasing half-wits
we were none of those things they want us to be.
we were everywhere and nowhere
we were everyone and no one.

But we had each other.
and we were happy.
and I was glad I found you.
I couldn't be anyone without you.
I couldn't take any other side besides yours.
I don't want to be any other person besides myself.
Because of you!
You, yes you!

Okay, I love you guys. :)

shove it

2009-12-15T08:44:00.000-08:00

Aha, listen up.
I know people always say there are two kinds of people in this world.
The bad, the good.
The strong, the weak and such right?
And then there's the one being judged and the one doing the judging.

I think that's bull.
Because every one judge.
They just freakin do it.
I do it, you do it, heck, it's one messed up place.
Damn, stop thinking like you're the know-it-all, been-there-done-that kind of shit.

So, shove it!

overkonfiden laa kan.

2009-12-13T04:01:00.000-08:00

Disebabkan hidup terlalu bowsan tanpe drama hari-harian menjalankan Ausmat, atau pergi ke summer kem etc etc. post kali ni is about me.
Driving a car.
To a pc fair.

I know, my life is that boring.
Bajet la, bwak kete pun nak cite kat sume org.
But, believe me, kalaw korang naek satu kete yg dibawak oleh aq, u guys would blog about it too. Siyes, x tipu. haha.. :D
So after a few weeks x pegang stereng, I cannot tolerate it anymore.
I told my dad when we went out for dinner yesterday night that I want to drive.
No arguments.

So the next day, dah bwat plan segale ntuk gi ke pc fair with my bestie, E.
Ayah aq memang lawak. HA.HA.HA.
Dy pegang kunci Honda.
Ait?
Tipu ni....................................
I thought, xkan laa dy nak bagi aq bwak kete baru?
My dad was looking at me and he said, " Ha, cepatlah hidup kete."
He was pointing to Honda.

Okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. *jantung berdegup2*

And he laughed!!!!!
Jahat!

Of course he was pulling my leg! RRrrrrrrr.
Xpe2. I'm driving. You're gonna get it from me later. Tgk je la.
Maka aq mmbawe kerete Kelisa which totally the new Ferarri according to Pimp My Ride. (tipu!)
And then bla bla bla bla....
Yadayadayadayadaaaa~
Sampai kat pc fair...
SESAK NAK MATI.
*gasp*
Sampai kat part yg mencemaskan.
Mase tu salah masuk jalan. The road led to the exit. We were looking for a parking space.
Abah suruh reverse.
And I was like, "Reverse sampai the parking lot?????!!!!"
The F?????????????
X berhati perut weyyyyyyyyyyy. Aq dah almost setahun x drive. Kejam ni....

Needless to say, that I did it badly.
Stereng x tegak, kete ke kiri dan ke kanan. *sweat*
(-___ -lll)

My dad was like, "Ya tuhan, nak saket jantung aq..."
And dy sempat bagi lecture psl fziks.
Okay, let me tell u abah, I appreciate that u pndai explain about cars by relating it to physics, but lecturing me about that while a hundered thousand onlookers sniggering at me is SOOOO not a good idea!!!!!!!
I was mortified! :'(
Sob. sob.

But my dad is cool jugak lah. compared to my mom.
haha......
And thanx for being there E. :D
U made light of the situation when I was swearing like hell depan my father.
I was like, " THE EFFF!!!!!!" when a car stopped suddenly.
"Move it, BUSTER!!!!" when a pedestrian lenggang kangkung depan kete aq.
My dad kat seblah diam je........

Tengah selawat kot.

But the ride home was ok. :D
I was making a pro face and wiggling my eyebrow to my dad.
It says: "See? Not so bad aite?"
My dad was like,
"Practice lagi."
hahaha.......

Next time mcm mane?
We'll see!
:D

p/s: did I drive like Beth Cooper? Me thinks not that bad... :p

back to school!!

2009-12-11T03:59:00.000-08:00

Tibe2 rindu nak ke zaman skolah.... :)
Skolah besssssssssssssssssttttt!!!!!!!!!!!! BESTTT!! BESTTT!!!
*okay, we get it Nad!*
hahaha! :D

Mase kat skolah la mcm2 drama ade. Kwn2 gile2! Mase tu pulak mmg tgh gile nak eksperimen mcm2, jadi experience sume mmg feels new! Feels different. Addictive.
Er, tapi bukan dadah. (Don't do drugs, kids.)
Knape tibe2 aq rse nostalgik?
Maybe the fact yg aq tawu aq akan masuk Uni nnt.
Dah dekat dah ni. Rase cuak. Mmg future tu unsure, entah aq boleh fly gi Aussie, ntah x.
Rase takot. Bile flashback balek soklan2 TEE, rasemacamnakjeriiiiiiiitttohmyeffingtoottoooot!!!!

Fuh.

Xnak pk psl tu lgi. Doa je laa byk2. Aq kene positive!! Enough with the negativity,electron!!!!
Ape2 pun, the next BIG step ntuk ke university mmg x dpt dielakkan. I cannot run from it.
Dan honestly, wpun aq cuak sbb maseh unsure lagi dgn the next step, tapi at the same time aq rse sgt excited! Woah!
I mean, mestilah kan?
Mmbe2 aq sume dah masuk U. Sorang kat utm, sorang kat tpm, sorang kat utp, sorang kat uitm, sorang dah pun pegi aussie, sorang lagi dah pun pegi canada. Yang laen2 ade lagi kat kolej sunway etc, tapi dyrang pun skang tgh menunggu ntuk ke U jugak.
I have to admit, bile dyrang cite psl life kat Uni, aq rse jeles!
I envy u guys!!! :'(

Sure enough, mase kat kbu hari tu pun best jugak. :D
Kolej dah tntu la laen ngan mase kat skolah. Tapi, situation and environment kat U nnt sgt laen kott.....
Yang same maybe dari segi assignment. Omygod, aq mmg sgt x rindu dgn assignment2 tersebut yang tlah mmbwatkan aq tido 2 jam, kepale serabot, cutting back holidays in Jb, cutting back time to spend wif my family wpun dyrang ade kat Kl...
Tapi,tapi,tapi,
no sacrifice no reward, right?
No pain,no gain! :)
And skang I really really, REALLY REAALLY pray and hope that my efforts and sacrifice will be paid off.
In full. Xde hutang2 okay.
Kalau nak hutang, make sure aq hidup bhagie aman damai sejahtera smpai aq mati capish?

X sabar mnunggu the day to come. The day where the uni life will start.
Aq mmg kurang menyabar cket.
Mcm mane nnt maybe?
Ade ke org yg aq kenal satu tmpt ngan aq?
Ade jugak ke org yg lebih gile2 dari aq?
ade x lecturer cute n baek n dedicated mcm mase kat kbu dulu?
ade ke shopping spot yg best mcm Ou and the curve mcm dulu?
ah.. the drama.
I miss it.
So much!
The fun, the tears, the laughter, the cute guy, the hot stuff,the labels, the jealousy, the fight, the effort, the kicking ass, the getting my ass kicked...

I miss school.
I miss college.
And I am thrilled to see what's coming next. :)
Insyaallah.

Wave y'all!

it could be so simple!

2009-12-10T05:25:00.000-08:00

Saye dah balek dari BTN!!!! :D
BTN was fun! haha... maybe it's just me! i've always liked summer camps or anything synonymous to it. I prayed to get plkn for god's sake (which i did get), and honestly, who would ever do that unless they're insane kan?

Anyways. :)
Jumpe balek my dearest frenz yg kenal kat kbu sume, altho baru je 2 weeks x jumpe. Bukan la x contact lansung what with fb and ym yada yada, but getting to meet up front is different sangat SANGAT dengan the assistance of technology tau. All these techy thingy is just soo damn lame klaw nak compare dgn jumpe with your old friends face to face.
You get to see the sparkle in their eyes when they scream and shout your name in glee. You get to laugh with them and see their tonsils sticking out. You get to get physical with them, boleh peluk cium hugs kisses dan segale benda yang X-rated juge. :P

Saye telah blajar banyak bende berfaedah kat kem ni. *ayat poyo, cam nak bagi speech*.
Ceramah and talk blablablaah tu memang undeniably bosan sikit, sometimes dah penat2 lari jalan, bgn kul 5 pagi in the morning, mate memang mcm xnak kene gam pulak dalam hall kan?
But mase part2 yang x mengantuk and the part where I did pay attention tu, mmg worth it. Because I get to hear things I tend to ignore before this. Bukan tak tahu, tapi memang sengaje xnak amek tawu.

I chose to be oblivious.

Tapi aside from that, memang best. :)
Pegi abseilling, run 2km after 2 weeks of not doing anything substansial dan produktif kat rumah, saket kaki kot... Adeih... Nak berjalan ni pun dah mcm org x balance.
Ice breaking, and we get to role play and everything..
Tapi yg paling best skali, is when all of us kene buat flag.
That was the best ever.
The feeling that I felt that night was just........
Beyond words.
I was totally overwhelmed.

Well, til then! :)
Until we meet again friends.

can't be a poet

2009-12-05T07:55:00.000-08:00

I would never be a good poet.

because I'm always finding troubles to find the words to say;

how would my life be if the words would just flow sweetly?

would my life change somehow

would everything still be the same

will i still be me?

would i hang out with different sort of groups of people?

You always get what you want.

and I hate you for that

because a selfish bit*** like you

hurt, but you don't care.

you just want to get get get.

get what you want.

nothing else matters.

I just can't be a good poet,

because I've told you numerous times

but you just couldn't get

you only hear what you want to hear

and miss out the whole point of me telling you,

and miss out the whole message i'm sending you.

Everything is moving too fast

but you will not give me time

to discover if something is real

or if it's an illusion

a make-believe

and it was you who pushed me down the cliff

I'm falling now

can't take it back

while you

still pushing at an empty air

look down!

i'm moving fast

falling into what feels like eternity

following the gravity

and it is inevitable

I can't stop now

calling out my name

is useless.

I would never be a good poet.

If she reads this

She will think it's about her

Hence, my words can never be spoken

My words can never be written

The message can't be clear enough

At the risk of making this sound like it's about you

If it's about you at all

It's not about you

It's not about anyone

I think it's about me.

I would never be a good poet.

Because..

Because words make me vulnerable.

heart- break.

2009-12-04T03:39:00.000-08:00

I keep on coming across stories about heartbreaks lately. Even my lecturer's wall post in Facebook lately is about one. But I think he'll be fine. I hope you do get better Mr. D. You should.

Not that it's any of my business..

But things are the opposite when I went out with Elya and Aisu yesterday and the day before.
I'm so happy that they seem happier now. It's good when I look at them and I can see that they are happy with they are with now. What's not to be happy about? The guys they are with now are not a braggart and a show-off and they sound like some really nice people there. huhu..
I think you know who I'm talking about, my friend.. I'm praying really hard to God so that a certain ex of yours do not talk bullshit with me on you-know-where okay. I can't take any more miaows from another human being. :PP
Fine, i'll try to be nicer to him.

My point of writing this post is that while it's true that heartbreaks are such a pain in the butt, those who have experienced them are kinda lucky. Like, in a way. These people are those who have experienced a great feeling, a feeling strong enough to experience a heartbreak when it goes wrong. Not many people get to experience that, believe me.

So can I brag now and say that I have gone through it before too? :p
It was a mild one, and I got over them fast enough.
But still... It felt like a boulder fell on me. For a good,solid 3 days.
There was this jerk when I was young and foolish.. And he was a jerk.
And then there was another... Who turned out to like my bestfriend instead of me.
LAUGH NOW, please.
Because I've had a crush on him for about.. 5 years maybe? On and off, but five years nevertheless, and suffice to say I'm no more than just a friend to him.
Which I'm totally cool with if he didn't used me first to get closer to my bestfriend.
Never mind. Old stories, and now I laugh in the face of them. :)
Especially because this guy never got my bestfriend.

*insert evil laugh*

What? It's not my fault. Shit happened to me and so it did to him. *insert evil laugh again*

And now what?
I don't know. My bestfriend jokingly told me they were going to have to get me a boyfriend.
Mmm.. I don't know about that. What's the point if it's so much more fun to act all lez-gay with them? *bat eyelash* Hahaha..
No,no, that was a joke.
:P
On a serious note, I don't think there's a need for rush in such matters.
I'm entitled to an opinion, so hear me out haters:
I think such a thing cannot be forced. You cannot rush it.
You cannot open the door before it gets unlocked.
If it gets a knock or two, you have a choice.
To open. Or to not.
By not opening, you'll miss out somethings to be sure.
If you do, what you get sometimes might just surprise you.

So I think, as long as I don't die old and lonely and sad with 24 cats in a musty,squalid apartment,
I'm gonna enjoy my contentment of solitary life for now.
Or maybe not so solitary. I still have my friends and family.

This is what I think and feel. So don't go out hating me for it. Huhu..

I need to bathe. Busuk already. Taaa~

unpost.

2009-12-03T04:47:00.000-08:00

I have written many posts lately that I chose not to publish.
I don't know why I didn't. Nothing seems adequate.
There's always something that make me hit the button 'save' instead of 'publish'.
I don't know what is wrong with me. I'm not really a perfectionist, but lately I've been very critical of myself. Of something. Always finding fault with no one but myself and the situation.
Always trying to fix them, always thinking of doing something to make it better, better better.
With me I think, I can never find the best.
Nothing is ever the best.
Always thinking that there is something better than this.
Always wanting more, doing more, thinking more, and if i'm able, always doing more.

But it isn't greed this feeling of wanting more.
If I can describe it, it would probably feel more like redemption.
I have to be more cautious. Or I will be like that man whose wooden axe fell into the river.
You know, one of those children's tale teeming with values and morals and shit.
Huhu..

Been getting a lot of weird dreams lately. Good. It means i'm losing my touch with reality because my dream is totally made-up, totally unrelated with what is real at the moment.
Honestly, I am getting exhausted with reality. Dream world is sweet. At least, mine is.
Everything is so simple. No one trying to complicate my life. I transformed into this compliant person in my dream. I accept the events in my dream world because it is so simple. So pure. so untwisted. So un-effed up. It is not dreams i fear. It is reality. Oh but if all reality were to be sweet and light and fun. I wouldn't be running away so much. How I fear boredom. My life's mission is to chase happiness and fun. I will run like being chased by a leper if fun escape me.

Guess I haven't grow up much have I?
I'm still a child at heart who only seek mischief and the playground.
Rain or shine, I just want to play now. :)
Hate me of you must.
But why dun cha eff off already.

you make me feel sad.

2009-12-01T06:11:00.000-08:00

But you make me laugh too.

That's why we are best friends. :)

p/s: Bile nak jumpe kau lagi ni? *sigh* You're so close to me, but you're not here.
Movie jom,kouhai. ;)

crazy description.

2009-11-28T06:50:00.000-08:00

You know, whoever who said that long holidays have no drawbacks is wrong. Yep.
Because the thing with long holidays is that at one point, you are gonna get bored.
I actually haven't reached that part yet, being that I am still anticipating a BIG event of going on a MEGA shopping spree with my bffs, watch movies, lepak-ing at Vivo and having one hell of a slumber party.

Although, I might mention somewhere that I am sort of facing a financial problem right now...

Ahh, the heck right?
But that's my point exactly. After all that, what am I gonna do?
I know I planned to redecorate my room, read novels and watch movie, but what happens after?
Not to mention that, turns out my room is too crowded already to be redecorated, the first season of The Mentalist I have already finished, season 3 of Gossip Girl is not out yet......
And I'm not allowed to drive car on my own to go see my friends and that's not cool because my sister is having the exam and I'm not suppose to make any noise at home. That's damning, because how else am I going to sing my heart out to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs?
I can't even be in my own room because it is currently occupied by my dear sister.

It's a sad day on Earth when a person is not allowed to be in his/her room.

Ooh. I think channel 5 is showing The Pirates Of the Carribean now.
Guess i can go watch that.
Johnny wait for me!! =D

the queen B is back!

2009-11-25T06:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have a problem. And when i cannot get an uneasy feeling off my chest, i get all cranky and weird. It's best to not risk that, so here I am.

1. Taking a condescending tone with me is ssoooo not a good idea.

You know how you sound like an A-hole when you take that tone with me? Yes, you do.

2. Earn your respect Goddamn it!

You cannot make ME, or anyone else respect you, if you don't respect us first, capish? You think respect is just gonna come to you when you beckon it with your finger? No. Life's a bitch, and so am I. You gottan earn it.

3. Curse you, curse you.

My silence is fake. If only you can put a microphone inside my heart and my brain. I shut my mouth because I don't wanna degrade myself by bitching out loud.

4. STOP IT YOU'RE MAKING ME PSYCHOTIC!!!

Yes, I can get murderous. escpecially when you treat me like a worthless piece of shit. It's time you open your eyes and see that putting me down with your words and treating me like i'm aint worth a damn is gonna come haunt you. I'm gonna kick ass. try to bring me down with your mean words. I worth more than what you think. If you can't see that, you are blind. And i feel sorry for you. Because beneath all that, you're PATHETIC.

That's better.
Sometimes you just gotta break the dam and let the water flow.
Because the pressure is just too damn high for me to handle.

come fly with me :)

2009-11-23T04:51:00.000-08:00

i'm back at home! ;)

It's a great feeling beybeyh!

the end is the beginning.

2009-11-20T04:36:00.002-08:00

Today was the day when Ausmat students in KBU class 2009 graduated.

17 months ago, I entered a hall in Kbu. The hall was full with people, and I remembered feeling bewildered by all the excitement and the whole activity there. I looked around, looking for the one familiar face I knew I would find. My schoolmate, Fatin. She was the only other girl from my school to be in the same place as I was. I remember thinking to myself, that I shall involve with no shenanegans hereonwards . No sir, I was determined to not get into any trouble.

17 months have passed, and I am proud to say that indeed I haven't got myself into any pickle. Well, even if I had, it was nothing that could not be handled. Alhamdulillah. And this I have to say, is something that could not be achieved without my friends and my family although they seem to be far away from me.

Is there a way to express this gratitude and happiness on finding such precious jewels like you are? No words can ever do me justice. Maybe, I could have made it through Ausmat without you. But would it be as fun? As memorable? As crazy? As insanely adventurous?
While Ausmat may be the ride of my life, it wasn't always the fun ride. It was also exhausting. Effingly frustrating. And mightily daunting. But because we're in this same rocky boat, we became closer than ever. You've become my family. We have become a family.

Now, the end has come. Some of us might not see each other again. Some may end up at the same place again, wherever that may be. (Wherever that may be, I'll be wishing you the best.)
But let's not say goodbye. Because family never say goodbyes. We don't bid adieu to our own kin because no matter what happens, no matter where we are, or who we have become, this tie cannot be severed.

Someday, when I look back into this precious time of my life, I will laugh. I will cry. And I will definitely feel nostalgic. I will miss everything that has happened here. Even if I can no longer remember it, it will be somewhere at the back of my mind, it will be among all the other collections of memories that I have. And when that happens, it will be a shame because I wish with all my might that I could remember everything. The good. The bad. The pain. The relief. The fun. The effery.

As Aerosmith goes, "I don't wanna miss a thing."

But as long as I still have these memories with me, as long as they are still are a part of me, each one of you, every places, every seconds that have passed, will always be with me no matter where I go. So I guess, you have no choice peeps, but to be stuck with me forever! Haha!

Or... Rather, I'll be stuck with you.

I guess, even as life goes on I'll be carrying you around too. In this fond memories I have. =)

Before I say "Till we meet again", I would like to extend my humble apology to anyone that I've wronged. I hope you'll believe me when I say I'm not sadistic, because never would I wish to have caused any anger, or inflict any pain on anyone. If I did, it was unintentionally, and imperviously done. You have seen my virtues, and I definitely have my vices. But I truly wish that if I were to be remembered by anyone, I would be remembered for my...

VICES beybeyh. Because being bad is just oh-so-delicous and irresistable.
You know I'm bad, I'm bad~ You know it, you know... WHoo!

Um, yeah, sorry. I had a momentarily lapse of sanity and moral. =p
Pish posh, of course I wish to be remembered for my virtues! Sheesh. Even if being bad makes its way into Michael Jackson's song, Bad.
I know I can get a little (OKay, a lot.) cuckoo sometimes, (Alright, all the time!),
but this one cuckoo I'll guarantee you'll miss. xoxo!

Ya, my roomate, I'm referring to you. Yes, you.

Well, now. I'll still be updating my blog. So it isn't really a goodbye.

Until we meet again, stranger. *rides on a horse into the sunset*

the rain makes it.

2009-11-17T23:14:00.000-08:00

I'll be leaving this place in 3 more days. 3 days doesn't seem very far away, but it feels like it.

Gah, one down side about post-examination is that, your life suddenly feels empty. Fun at first, hell yeah, but as day turns to night, and I was running around from places to places, wearing myself out to the bones, I lose all sense of time. Night feels like day and day is sometimes as bleak as night.

Time slows down to a crawl. And my mind floats on a cloud. I feel hazy. Wondering around without a purpose. I suppose it feels good to not have to rack my brain for a chance, but I'm starting to feel useless. And it hasn't stop raining ever since..

The one thing about rain is, it's good for the plants. The trees, the grass, the soil.. Must feel like festival to them, a celebration of flowing water. But, I guess I'm more of a sun person. Rainy days like these makes me feel morose.

Hence, the emo post.

I miss you Mr Sun. When I look up through my window, all I see is grey sky. And clouds that aren't white. (But of course, duh!)

I feel as empty as my locker cum closet now. I was hit with a sudden longing to go on a picnic. It would be fun to spread a wide big cloth on the grass, and along with me, a basket full of bread and croissant. With strawberry jam and tuna spread with slices of cheese and ham. And a glass of orange juice or cold milk. A picnic at the meadow.

And then, a man without a stitch of clothing would come out of the bush... A man who look very much like Eric Bana.......

Ooops, sorry, this is not my daydream, this is more like a scene in The Time Traveler's Wife.

My baaaaaaaaaaaaadd. =p

I wanna see the sun. I miss you warmth and your bright rays. Come on out for me will ya? ;;)
And my laundry is piling up. :(

va va voom

2009-11-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

Well! We survived didn't we?

There was a time when a thought this day would never come! Muahahah!!!

I'm eyeing all the dvds on the shelves bebeyh. And the books in mph. Mph should really have more sales. I mean, why is it that only clothes shops have sales often?? It's not good for my overly easily excited shopping drive.

I know everyone is busy talking about how excited they are now that TEE has ended, Ausmat has ended, blahblah blahhh, and i'm gonna talk about it too. Except that mine's special. Because I had a date on that final day of TEE.

Yeah baby yeah. A date!

With who? Ahaha.. You people will know this date of mine for sure.. Very famous this person. Very hot. In fact, super hot! Sape weyh????

Megan Fox. *wolf whistle! I know you want to!!*

And, no I'm not a les-gay. I definitely like guys. So I guess that makes me a bi.

Juuuust kidding. =p

Almost believable, but no. My mom and dad will kill me first and then disown me. Despite coming from a school which is 45% populated by lez and girls who try to grow moustache, I am proud to declare that my girlish hormone is true to its owner people. Thank goodness for that.

Anyways, the so-called date actually involved more than two person (Megan and Me).

My classmates were there as well. I soooooo want to watch The Time Traveler's Wife. I mean, hellooooo Eric Bana Kot!!!! But, I did want to watch Jen's Body too, so when that was the only ticket left, we took it and I didn't mind it. It was for the better maybe. I don't like watching sad movies with a lot of people. It's hard for me to supress my emotions inside. Sad, heavy movies and books are for me to be alone with my own imaginations and emotions.

Besides, let's not risk the chance that I might be drooooling while gawking at Eric in the cinema sitting beside my classmates. That would be totally unprofessional.

So does that mean that I did not drool watching Megan doing her thang (by this, I meant eating some poor sucker's guts out)? Well, I might. If I had the Y chromosome in my DNA.

Which I don't~

Overall, the film was a bit lousy. And totally and wholly unrealistic. I dunno, horror movies aren't my cup of tea. Cynic and jaded that I am, I find that horror movies nowadays not quite frigthening. Hence, my preference for psycho and messed up movies like the whole series of Saw. Oh, and I like Quarantine. Psycho movies are scarier because I know it's true that sometimes human beings can be worse than monsters.

Back to what I was saying...

Before the movie, we went bowling. I must say, I've become rusty. My bowling skills suck harder than vaccuum. But no one could beat MB on his wonderful skill of ensuring the bowling balls following the path provided either side of the lane. By this I mean the 'longkang'. Hence, MB, I hereby mengisytiharkan that you are the MENTERI BOWLING. ^__^

Hahaha... Don't kill me. You'll only get this from me for one more week!

Izzat squared 'i' is the new upcoming pemain Bowling Negara. I have to say, you two make a good bowling couple. Skill memang mantap la!

Oh, hey, and I wasn't the only person with a date that day. Rumour has it, that there's a new love bird in town. Rumour has it la.... Could be true, could be just, well, rumours. All I'm saying is, when we were at the bowling place, 'two people' just couldn't stop blushing more. And I had to fight the urge of crying tears of joy (poyo gile~~) for these two beloved friend of mine. I just want to say, "You d man laa weeyyyy!". Oops! Maybe a little premature to say anything now. But, who knows? Tiramisu cake and a gentleman-like manner just may work their magic!Heheh..You have my prayers and blessings.

Gosh, I feel like Gossip Girl posting all this stuff about other people lifein a blog. Should stop nosing around now! Kire commercial lah. Talking about me and myself all the time can get pretty boring. Not to mention waaay too vain. =p

Hm.

Well, that's it for now. Will keep you updated with my 'fun time after TEE'. It's a date!

Me? Matured?

2009-10-23T06:56:00.003-07:00

Waa... I never thought this day would come. If I were me 4 years ago, I wouldn't recognise who I've become now... Hehe..
So many changes have come. And it's not only me, people around me seem to change too.
I have to say, I wasn't the type of person who liked changes in my life.
I hated when I was 11 and my best-est friend in the whole world just had to move to Melaka then because I know my school days won't be the same anymore.
I hated when I was 11 and well, you know, and I still remember vividly that I cried like hell because I know that my childhood phase of life was over.
Heck, I even disliked my younger sister once when I was 2 because suddenly she was just there, and the spotlight was not on me anymore... (But I totally love her now. Mumu~ <3)

Yeah, I was that control freak. I think I still retain that bit about myself now, but it's better in a way that my reaction towards changes is more mature now. I think. * big claps!!* ^-^

My opinions about things have changed now. What was good then, I think is bad now. Or vice versa depending on the subject matter. Last time, when I was in school, I hated the dress code. I reaally really hate it. School uniform sucks: Girls can only wear pinafore or baju kurung.
I mean, they made me wear kain while lugging backbreaking school bag to the 4th floor. And a white baju kurung that you have to SWEAT in everyday because you have to stand under the scorching hot 1 o'clock sun??? So impractical!!

Don't they know that white clothes can turn yellow very very easily?

Hey, not everyone uses Daia. The fluorescence from new white clothes will fade out eventually..

Basically, I didn't get the whole dress code thing. To me, school was like a playground. Play hard enough, and you'll learn something out of it. Huhu.. That was then.
So, I just couldn't get the whole rules and regulations and dress code..
What does wearing uniform have anything to do with what we learn in school?
And I couldn't see how multiple ear-piercings was going to obstruct my learning.

I know, I know. I was so silly and naive..

Hm.. But being in college makes me miss my school days more. I keep listening to 'Fluorescent Adolescent' again and again, and each time I listen to it, I get transported back to the time when I was. It's true what they say about adolescent being the best phase of your life. There was that awkward phase when I absolutely like nothing, NOTHING at all about myself. Scary hair, horrible front teeth, and oh, the acne... And the nose, and the mouth, and every body parts that I absolutely wished could look more like Jessica Alba's......

Little brat. I was an ungrateful git. But I totally blamed it on the awkward phase okay.. But, despite the social insecurities that I went through during that phase, it was also fun in way.

I mean, you only get to experience that only ONCE in your entire life time. Kan, kaaaan?

Which reminds me..
College is also coming to an end. Booyah!
And the next adventure will begin no matter where we are in the future. =D
I know I'm going to miss Ausmat. ^__^

mushroom...

2009-10-17T05:02:00.000-07:00

Bosannye menternak cendawan kat rumah.......................

Pusing kanan, nampak dinding.
Pusing kiri, nampak dinding lagi.
Depan mata, dinding jugak.
Belakang kepale, jugak dinding.

Hibernasi bukan untuk yang suka shift along x-axis mahupun y-axis....

=__________=

Boringnye..

Dalam kebosanan aq ni, aq telah formulated plans untuk riang ria selepas TEE.

1) Tengok movie.
2) Tengok tv.
3) Lepak ngan member2 ku yang aq dah 100 tahun x jumpe.
4) Sleepover.
5) Baking cookies and cupcakes.. (Errrrks. Ripley's Believe it Or Not.) haha..
6) Melepak kat kedai mph.
7) Menggali buku2 lame dan membace sampai pukul 4 pagi.
8) Redecorate bilik.
9) Practice driving kat highway. (Aq x kire! Mak ngan abah mesti let me at least TRY.)
10) Bersenam................( =_____=llll )
11) Makan.
12) Bersenam lagi.
13) Painting. ( ToT ) I'm sorry to have neglected u.....
14) SHOPPING!!!
15) Download manga one piece.
16) Online~~~
17) Rerun Gossip Girl.
18) Rerun House.
19) Gundam Seed marathon.

20) PRAY for my TER results~~ (>___<)

Er... Sekian sje ntuk hari ni.
SEbelum hari yang ditunggu2 tiba, aq perlu bertungkus lumus!! Dan jangan mengalah!!
Dan berusaha! Dan tawakal! p(>.<)/
Kuatkan semangat, tabahkan diri~
Cekalkan hati~ Dan berharap~
AQ PERLU OPTIMISTIK, bukan PESSISIMISTIK.
Tapi yang penting sekali, JGN PLASTIK. =p

~ Hope is delicate and fragile. And yet it's human's greatest factor of determination.~

My dear friends, don't give up just yet. Keep hoping. Keep striving. Keep on fighting.

Keep your faith. amin.

rehab. relapse. rehab again.

2009-10-11T07:41:00.000-07:00

Despair, just leave me alone.
Do not chase me in my dreams.
Don't come and haunt me at night after the lights have gone out.
Don't make me jump on my bicycle and cycle for hours in the hopes of trying to outrun you.
Don't make me open the refridgerator and reach out for that 500-calory chocolate bar.

I'm trying so hard. I still am.
But as each day pass by, I get scared.
I'm holding on to my courage, but as as I tighten my grasp on it
the more it slips away like grains of sand.
Oy,courage, don't leave me just yet!
I don't want to be accompanied by this bitter misery!

To my dear friends who are cheering me on, and supporting me,
Thank you so much for still having faith in me.
And for those who just seem to do the opposite,
Sod off.
Because there's no place in my life, for people like you.

Depression, you compress me, suffocating me.
I wish I could just blow you off....

Oy, Natto. 3 more weeks to go only. Chill la.... T_____T

Oh, God. I am your humble servant.. Please lend me your strength because I'm weak.
Give me courage. Let me find your light.

a knight in shining Armani

2009-10-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

What does a girl wants from a man? Survey from ABS (Apsal Banyak Soal, not Australian Bureau of Statistics) shows that nowadays girls want:

-A Prince Charming
-A Knight in Shining Armour
-A Gentleman from The House Of Lords

Well, if not all three, then at least one of them.

What's not to like about Prince Charming? He's charming (as his name indicates)(name tu kan satu doa), dreamy with his wavy blond hair and piercing blue eyes. A romantic who will treat you like a true princess and whispers sweet nothings in your ear of you being the Queen of his heart. And when he proposes, oh, he proposes grandly, one knee on the rose-petaled floor as he kisses your hand with a royal tenderness.

What about a knight in shining armour? Well, all that hard muscles are so fine that not even his polished undented metal protector that he wears everywhere could hide. He exudes such masculinity and virility that makes a damsel wants to swoon into his sinewy arms. He makes you feel safe as he hold you close because you know you can rely on him to always come to your rescue when you're in distress. With a roguish smile and as he sat with a macho pose on his horse, he will sweep you off your feet onto his equally macho horse. And off the both you, riding into the sunset as the credit "And They Lived Happily Ever After" rolls.

A gentleman will lavish you with care and attention so much, you'll become so sure that you're the only lady he sees in the ballroom. A gentleman is always so smartly dressed with starched cravat, and top hats and overcoats. He will be your protector and will fiercely challenge anyone who dares to taint your reputation.You are besotted by his simple actions of opening the door for you and holding your hand when you cross the street. He respects your womanly senses and always behave ever-so gentlemanly in front of you.

Now, time has changed and in this 21st century, you might ask, "Where on EARTH can I find a prince, a knight, and a gentleman????"

In the present time, the names have changed. You no longer label them with these fancy names, but this prince, knight and gentleman is still out there. Only..now, the prince live in a house like a castle instead of just a 'castle',the knight has traded his horse for a sports car and the gentleman now more commonly known by the name 'Metrosexual'.

But if I ask, will this prince charming always be charming? Will the knight in shining armour always come to your rescue? Will the gentleman, always be the perfect gentleman?
No.
But men nowadays seem to know that these qualities are what women want:

Romantic. Heroic. Sensitive.

So everywhere I go now, I encounter men who try so haaaard to break away from stereotypes.
Which is painful for me to watch.

It pains me upon hearing them trying to impress women by saying that they like watching romantic movies too. And how they cry watching the sad scenes.
It just kills me when they try so hard to be all heroic and started treating me like I'm disabled.
It baffles me that they would overdo grand romantic gestures and totally ignore the simple,most fundamental gestures.

Everywhere I go now, and whenever I start a conversation with the opposite sex,all I would hear is how much he enjoys watching romantic movies. Suddenly, P/S I love You becomes every man's favourite movies. I'm not insinuating that men cannot like this kind of films, but honestly,
claiming that you love P/S I Love You more than Transformers or Saving Private Ryan is just overdoing it man.....

Another thing that's just denting my ego and make me nauseous is when the 'stronger gender' acts all cutesy.
For the record, let me just remind you that while some girls do like their men to be like act cute and fluffy, some girls , DON'T.
My argument is, simple. Fluffy and cute is for stuffed animals.
If I'd wanted someone to put up a cute act in front of me, I would've just bring Rabitto along with me. At least Rabitto is not trying to be cute, because he is NOT pretending to be.
Besides, it's bad for my ego. I mean, you're a guy, you're not supposed to act cuter than I am!

Duh.

Another thing is... Pets. Why pets??? Why??? WHY???
You think because I'm a girl my brain capacity cannot go beyond things that are fluffy and cute?
With the amount of people who wants to give or show me all sorts of pet animals, I am induced to hate things cute AND fluffy.

Me Drama Queen? Yes.
Me Gedik Queen? God YES.
But me, a piece of FLUFF? AT LEAST NOT IN PUBLIC.

It's not wrong. It's not. If there's anyone so out of the norm, that person would be me.
So, what I'm saying is, I don't mind if you're not pretending. I can accept that. So you reaally really truly love romantic comedies? Great! So do I.
So you honestly think you're as cute as teddy bear. Okaaay,unusual but it's alright as long as you don't brag/show that dark side of yours to me alright? I'm allergic to it.
But when a person is trying so hard to impress and start to give us what they think we want,then that's just wrong. Stop posing, posers!

So, now what happens to Prince Melt To The Floor,Handsome Knight and Lord of Hotness?

You see, girls may be attracted with all these qualities you have in you. But, that is, if they are real. What good is it, if you pretend to be someone you're not just to impress someone? They should like you for being you, not who you think they want. If they don't like what you have, it's their loss. But, what I can guarantee is, you would definitely meet someone who would love you just the way you are. Flaws and all. Fluff or not fluff. Jiwang or not jiwang.

Oh yeah.. and one final thing?

I'm smart enough to figure out when someone is fronting.
To carry on and keep pretending to impress me is just really insulting my brain.
Next time, I'll just go along, and take it to the extreme...

I'll give you the list of romantic movies I love and I'll gush to you about all the mushy scenes I soooo, totally adore. *bat eyelash*.
And I will say in a very high-pitched of "AWWWW,THAT IS SOOOO CUTEE~ age ge ge~ age ge ge~" whenever you show even a hint of fluff.

fluff.

fluff.

Nightmare. Huh. BE a man. *Mimicking Russel Peters*

ehhh.. my brain.

2009-10-08T07:21:00.000-07:00

So. So. So.

Enough experimenting already! Now it all boils down to the real thing. What I've learned from me mock's results;

1) Numbers don't lie.
2) Really. They don't lah.
3) Tragic. But I find comfort in knowing that it could be worse although the thought that I could definitely DO BETTER is killing me slowly. Which, when I think about it again... Is more tragic.
4) The most important thing during exam is not really memorising what you have learned at 5a.m in the morning i.e 4 hours 20 minutes before the examination.

5) Clear mind, calm nerves and well rested body and eyes before exam. Heard this many times before but never realised the truth in it until just now. YOU know you are sleep deprived and in a state of fatigue when you write EIGHT HUNDRED SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD as 817 for N in probability. And when 8.00Hz becomes 800Hz, you know you should just go and kick urself in the arse.

6) Who knows methyl orange is not really orange in colour after all?

7) Miss J definitely has a thing going on for me. I keep on becoming the target of her sarcasm or whatever. Or is I that have a 'thing' for her since I keep making an ass out of myself whenever she's around me? Ah well, maybe it's just her way to teach me. She's so sassy and I like that in her. =p

8) I love my brain. Although Mr. D said that the Engines are better with facts, and the Arts are more of an 'outside the box' kind of people. I think the Archis are more balanced because we are half scientific and half artsy. Right and left brain see? You can't argue with translational equilibrium. (My brain is insulted Mr. D,when you stumble to think of the Archis strength in writing essay.)

9) When I can't go on9 and write something on my blog, I have to resort to writing a diary. I am THAT desperate to let out useless rantings to no one in particular. Could've just gone and talk to a wall, but that would scare my roomate off to her superhero in house 16.

-----------(=___='')

Ganbate for TEE. And I just can't wait anymore.

i say, i say.

2009-10-07T09:40:00.000-07:00

Giving a pet to me is not such a good idea. Why?
Well,due to many reasons.

One of them being:

1) I don't like animals.
2)It takes up a lot of my time to take care of it.
3)Pets come with strings attached.
4)I can't appreciate it.

Explanation for no. 1;
Before you start on giving me weird looks and saying "HOW COULD YOU" with double exclamation marks, I need to clarify this: I don't like animals, I love them. The only animal I betul2 looooove tho, is cat. I'm more of a one animal girl ,folks, and no other animal can take this place away from my heart, NO!What I don't like are plushies or teddy bears. Because I only like RABITTO. and rabbito alone. and no other teddies. Nope.

Explanation no.2;
Cleaning the cage, and bathing them... Again, I wouldn't mind if it's a cat. God, I'm discriminating other animals, but can I really help it?

Explanation no.3;
The strings attached thing. Oh yeah. I have a 'thing' against something that binds me down. Call me 'commitment phobic' I duno, I dun care. I just think that giving pets to someone.. is rather... intimate. Because you are practically giving a living thing for me to take care of! And life is not something you just waste and neglect. It's like adopting. Opening a wrapped box only to discover there's an animal inside is like looking at a PLUS sign on a pregnancy stick when you're not ready to get pregnant just yet. My point being, it's like forced to have a second person in your life. You have extra responsibilities, obligations.. and honestly, I'm only ready when I SAY I'm ready dammit. You can't exactly force me, duh.

Explanation no.4:
I can't appreciate it. I simply can't. Animals are God's creation. And for this, I respect them. I will treat them humanely. But I can't appreciate it when it's forced to be under my care. I'll do a lousy job. And those animals deserve better. They don't deserve me. Kesian laa animals tu klaw we're suppose to take care of them, tapi tgk2 kite neglect dy pulak. Dosa satu, yang satu lagi, ape salah haiwan tu..

Contohnye mcm marko. Xde orang sanggup nak jage dy. Last2 aq ambik la. Klaw x? sape nak cuci dy punye badan sume tu? Cuci rumah dy? Kasi makan? Ni, aq jage ni pun kadang2 terlupe kasi makan. Mlas nak tukar air dy. Tapi kalaw x, sume org nak abandon dy. She deserves more than abandonment and rejection. Just because badan dy x fluffy dan dy x secomel kucing dan orang geli kat dy, xde sape yg sudi nak jage dy betul2. Yang aq ni pulak, mule laa kalaw ade bende2 yang unwanted and unloved, mule laa rase simpati. Kesian. X sanggup nak tgk dy unloved and abandoned camtu jek. Smpai ati.. HUuu...

Last2 aq syg jugak kat marko. Dah tu, xde sape yang nak syg kat kau kan? syian marko.. uhuk uhuk.. You have me now, it's okay baby. It's you and me against the world~ =p

I can't think of any better reason other than this. Let's just say that pets don't make good birthday presents. At least to me. Just give something simple lahhh... Kenape nak elaborate sgt??? I'll be happy to receive notebooks or storybooks or foreign movies anyday! Or chocolates. They are simply the best! X payah bagi pun xpe.

making my way down south

2009-09-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

Ah yes!! Am currently writing this post using my home computer. Which means... I;m already back in JB!!! WOOOT WOOT~~~~ =D *muke bahagie x terhingge*

Okay, flashback ke mase aq nak bertolak balek. Ajin and I walked in the rain carrying all those heavy bags. 1___1 sobs.

Habis je paper Econs, aq balek rumah dan lihat makhluk kecik bername Ya (roomate aq lahh DUH) tergolek di atas katil. BEst nye, nak join, but i gotta pack my things first. Maka, siap2 pack, me and ajin decided ntuk kluar awal, takot jam. Hujan baru berhenti. NAk call cab tapi.. tapi.. xde no. cab. Nak tumpang kereta Nana, but she was sleeping in her room. In fact, sume orang kat rumah tu tgh tido when I was leaving the house. What a sad way to say goodbye with just a note sayin " SELAMAT HARI RAYE~ muaaahhhhs~ from awek Chuck, NAd." But I didn't have the heart to wake them up from sleep. Everyone was very sleep deprived after a week of MOCK! ARGHH! What an epidemic of panda eyes and pimples and blackheads! hahaha.. I didn't get to sleep though because I need to pack my bags. So Ajin and I made our way to OU to get a cab. Due awek cun jalan2 dengan bag berat. =p

Tengah2 jalan, we complained about how heavy our bags are. Yelah, mane x berat kan? Kasut raye ngan laptop ngan baju2 sume! Tu pun naseb baek aq x bawak balek buku Cutnell Physics. X kuase I nak mentelaah time2 raye nih~~ *Huh. Flip rambut dengan gediknye* And we complained about how it would be extremely niiiiiice if we had our very own car. Lepas tu ade laa satu cab nii lalu, hon kat kitorang tapi bukan nak stop, cikaiiiiiiiiii. YOU DON't HONK at Moi IF You Don't WAnna Stop okay???! And lepas tu, we ran into a proton wira. I didn't see, but Ajin kate tu Poh Hui dengan Nic and Calvin. Oh, how nice! Move on, move on..... Tiba-tiba....

Hujan turun balek da......!!!!!!!

Me ngan Ajin dah malu gile kan. Gile x cool jalan2 ngan beg 3 bijik (including handbags) tengah hujan!!!!! But we maintained our cool. Dah nak sampai Ou dah pun. Ajin cakap, "Ape2 pun yang penting jangan lari. Bwat2 cool je." SET. No way nak lari dalam hujan ngan beg besar gaban. Finally, finally!!!!! Sampai Ou. Disebabkan dah mengah nak jalan, x sanggup nak amek cab kat old wing. Pakai meter murah cket. Tapi, bantai je lahh sebab dah lelah dah nii. Cakap ngan kakak tu, "Gi Stesen PUDU."

"--puluh ringgit."
"20 ringgit?" Tanye aq, lalu mengeluarkan duit.
"X,x. 30 ringgit."

0_____0

Ok. Aq menyesal x call Ikram to just get us to Pudu.I forgot my brother had a car. I forgot I have someone with a car to rely on to!! Melayang $$~~ fly fly~~
Xpe, xpe. We are independent women beybeyhhh~~~ hahaha!!
Pastu dalam cab, dah laa mahal, x pasal2 kene bayar duit tol jugak kan!! Ait, aq ingatkan duit tol dy handle? I mean, come on laaa! I paid rm30 okay Mister!!!!! Sabar je la huh. Kire seringgit duit tol tu duit raye kau la... Naseb baek aq x bagi duit tu sambil ckp "Selamat HAri Raye..." jew!!!
Dah sampai pudu, pastu tepat sekali tekaan Ajin. MEMANG kene naek bas dari Stadium Bukit Jalil. So, dari Pudu, naek laa pulak bas shuttle gi stadium....
Dalam bas memang ngantuk. Dah 4 malam aq tido 2 jam je. Sure tersengguk2 dalam bas.

Kat stadium. Ade bazaar. So seblum naek bas sempat gi beli makanan kat situ. 2 Ramlee chicken burgers, french fries, 2 cucuk fishball, one bottle of Coke and one can of Ice Lemon Tea. Purse memang dah kopak, naseb baek Ajin ade duit. ( Aq hutang kau Ajin! =))
Kat sini, I witnessed something incredible. Tengah2 duduk2 tunggu bas kul 6.30, tetibe ternampak seorang lelaki buta tengah jalan kat tengah jalan pakai tongkat. Lelaki tu terlanggar cone kaler oren kat tengah jalan tu. Kesian dy. Kemudian, datang sorang lelaki pegi tolong lelaki buta tu ke kerusi ntuk tunggu bas. Alhamdulillah, dalam dunia yang penuh ngan macam2 ni, masih ade lagi kebaikan. =)

Lepas tu, kat atas bas, aq dan Ajin terjumpe lelaki CUTE. hahaha...
Dah la cute, sopan plak tuh!!! And he's so sweet~ Kan Ajin kan? =p
Ade this old man, duduk kat single seat next to mine. This pakcik was very very friendly. And then suddenly, came this cute boy and said to this uncle la,

"Um, excuse me Uncle. Can I see your seat number?"

Uncle tu cakap, " Oh, am I sitting in your place??". Dan Uncle tu sedia nak bangun dah. Tapi dat boy cakap,

"It's okay uncle. Just tell me your seat no. so I can sit in your place."

Tapi that uncle insist nak bangun jugak. But his plastic bag tersangkut kat seat tu. And then that boy bend over and helped him. All the while, he made small conversations with that uncle. Wahaha... Sangatlah sweet. And then, he made that uncle stayed at his seat, while he sat behind that uncle. All the while, uncle yang friendly conversed with him, talking about his past experience as a tour guide. He said he used to travel all over the world to Perth, Japan and all that. Okay, so I was eavesdropping. =pp
Sometimes I glanced at the boy sitting behind that uncle. He seemed familiar. Tapi xkan la aq kenal pulak kot. Maybe I've seen him somewhere in Jb kot.
He said he's 18. Hohoho.. Muda setahun je... *wicked grin*
Uncle said he lives in Bukit Serene. God, I know that place! It's where the Sultan reside. The boy said he lives in Skudai. Double ho-ho-ho! Dekat je... *bat eyelash*
Me and Ajin was nudging each other and making goo goo eyes already!
Suddenly, uncle turned to us and said,

"And where are you two beautiful girls heading to?"

*blush* Uncle, You're Soo sweet!!! I know for a fact that we both looked very serabai. What with the walk in the rain and being sardine-d in the shuttle bas and heaving 2 large bags.
Anyways, so I said I come from Jb.

And then suddenly, bas conductor tu datang. And he asked the uncle dengan care yang sangat kurang ajar, "Uncle, tengok tiket bas!". WTF laa kan. Kau mude, kau sopan laa siket dengan orang tue cikai. BWat malu orang melayu je BODOHHH.
And the uncle terpakse leave the bus because x cukup seat. Apparently, that uncle's ticket was suppose to be on the 22nd, but he had to leave early. He boarded the hus, because the people at the bus counter in Pudu told him to just get on a bus. Kesian uncle tu. I hope he gets his seat. Dah la hujan kat luar tu. And he's travelling alone. =(
Aq x ske conductor bus yang kurang ajar tu. Dah la pastu dy cube nak usha2 Ajin. HElllooooow, excuse me ,bastard? Not interested in RUDE people!!! DUh.

Then when the uncle was leaving, the boy said, "Be careful Uncle! Take care."
Is that like sweet or what right? Oh, and then, he tegur me. Hohoho......
Me and Ajin tengah melantak burger bile buka puase. I was talking to Ajin and suddenly I felt like he was looking at us. So I looked back. And yeah, he was staring. And I sort of immediately covered my mouth with a tissue paper. MAlu kotttttttt! And he laughed!
Then he asked, "Kenape?".

Really. I was astounded.

I shook my head lah. And I kind of offered him my burger. "Burger?" I said tentatively.
I mean, what else was I suppose to say???!
But he declined and said "Saye dah makan dah kat bawah tadi. Buka puase?" He asked back. And I nodded. And that was it. HUh~ =)

But he was cute. And he seemed familiar.

3 hours later, both of us was already fast asleep. Penat huahhh~
And I arrived in Jb, my favourite place in the world! I tell you, Paris may be the city of lovers, Milan the place for fashionistas, US the land of opportunity, but JOHOR BAHRU is the best place in the whole world coz my heart belongs to it. It's where I sleep. It's where I'm together with my whole family. It has all my childhood memories. It's where I'm schooled. Oh, and my heart sings as I step my foot out of the bus's step onto the pavement~~~~

I have a feeling that this raya is gonna be great. On the second night of raya, I'll be flying to Bandung ya guys!!!! To see my sister Nadiah since she's celebrating there!!! =D
The whole crew is going and I'm excited coz it's gonna be my first flight!!!!

Pray that I have a safe journey to and fro okay? And hopefully the attitudes of the people in Bandung isn't as bad as in Jakarta. I mean, what with the riots and 'sapu Malaysia' thing....

Whatever! I'm still excited! To all Muslims, SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILFIRTRI.
Maaf zahir batin, inside out if I've hurt or angered any of you. Whatever good comes from God and whatever bad comes from me and me alone. =)

P/s: Yeah, so I told in my last post that in this post I'm gonna be bimbotic. =ppp
How was that for bimbotic or gedik?? =ppp Hahaha~
Till then!

The fun is in learning.

2009-09-11T11:55:00.001-07:00

*Long exhale~*
Haaaa....~
Finally! I miss this feeling. This feeling that I don't mind studying for the rest of my life. I really don't. I used to think education was fun. And then, for a moment there, during my hard struggle here screwing Ausmat and Ausmat screwing me back double big time, I'm thinking, Damn all this. Damn it all to hell. The process of getting all bruised up and battered from this thing called Asumat itself is not as painful as trying to stay optimistic and be all dignified in front of others. I mean, how easy is it to be all blase and be all cool as cucumber when you see that big fat '0' scrawled on the test paper, just right there beside your name? You'd wish it was scrawled beside someone else's name. I know I did. I sat there in that room, so cold. Surrounded by my classmates and yet felt so alone. So isolated. So so so stupid.

There were echoes in my brain telling me I'm stupid. Amplified even more so when I look around and realization hit me like hard boulder - perhaps it's true that I'm inferior compared to all this crazy smart people. I was staring at the tainted white board without really looking at it, preoccupied with the act of blinking back tears so that they wouldn't fall when I'm in that god forsaken place. And feeling as dirty as the whiteboard. I knew I had to move on. What's the use of pondering over what's been done. The past is the past. I have to get on with my life. But when you feel like your whole dream is crashing down on you along with all your fragile hope, even an inch step forward is a Herculean task.

Back to present time. I no longer care if I was inferior to other people. Or if I was stupid. I cannot change who I am, I can merely become a better person tomorrow than I was today. As for the feeling stupid part, well, if my foolish hope can still blossom despite all these discouraging faggot maggots' whispers inside my brain, then I don't mind being a fool. I am already a fool for all I know. We're all fools when it comes to things we want. Because we would do anything, anything at all to get our hand on 'em. And so just now when I was sitting beside my friend studying Chemistry, I found back what it was to be myself again. I've found that little girl who reads Oxford Dictionary to fill her leisure time, driven also by her father's and brother's criticisms about her bad bad English. I've found again that same girl who flips open the Encyclopedia to read up about some random Greek mythology or ancient history. History has always fascinated me. I've found her, who used to look at the stars in sky at night and questioned about the constellations. I've found her, who studied Japanese dictionary religiously and learned how to write Hiragana and Katakana all by herself. I've found her back. The girl who learns when she reads, or when she's watching something on the television, or even when she's reading a comic book. Knowledge is still a knowledge nevertheless. Despite its sources.

I've rediscovered the thrill of learning. The fun in education. It has always been there. It's just that for a moment, I forgot. Ironically, that feeling got lost when I was right in the act of trying to find it. Learning is not about competition. It's not about trying to prove who's smarter than whom. It's about doing anough for yourself. It's about self-fulfillment. It's also about stoking the fire of your longing to learn more, to get more,to know more. Learning is like quenching thirst. Education is an intoxicating drink that leaves a person wanting more, coming back for seconds and thirds. But it has to be sipped. A student is a connoiseur who has to take his time tasting the wine on his tongue before drinking it in a tall glass.

(Besides,why is adolescence the most interesting phase in anyone's life? Putting aside all the awkwardness and uncomfortableness in growing hair in certain body parts and an epidemic of pimple erruptions, I think it's interesting because it is a phase where we learn a lot about ourselves. (I guess childhood is also a phase where we discover new things, but we would be too young to remember the thrill of discovering something, huh? Anyways, our memories wouldn't be as vivid as we remember things from our adolescence.))

Shit, my brain is overloaded with crap. I've crapped too much!!! Forgive me for all the lavish words. At the moment, I fail to contain my joy at rediscovering my ardent fondness of learning. I feel even more at peace thinking that even if, say, I fail this present fight, learning is an opportunity that lasts for a life time. I would learn something new, everyday, until the day I die.

As of now, though, it's imperative that I do what is needed presently. =)

P/s: I know I sound so gay in this post. Writing blog at 4am in the morning is not such a good idea. I promise I'll be more bimbotic in my next post!!! Ciao~

POW

2009-09-10T01:25:00.000-07:00

Bukan, ni bukan pasal lagu Black Eyed Peas, 'Boom Boom POW'. Ni jugak bukan iklan minuman POWer Roots. Bukan jugak jenis yang kene pow korang kene belanje orang makan tu. Habis tu amende tu POW????

'I'm a prisoner of words unsaid,
Just lonely feelings
Locked away in my head.'

Yeah, Prisoner Of Words. .
Terperangkap dalam satu penjara yang invisible, tapi sebenarnye semua orang tau penjara tu ade je kat situ. It's there when you should've said something, but didn't sebab at the end of the day, kitorang sume cume banduan je. Buat la bunyi bising macam mane pun, last2 still terperangkap dalam lubuk tu jugak kan? Pintu penjara tu xkan terbukak, kunci tetap dipegang ngan pemegang dy. Jadi sebenarnye kalau kite cakap something tu, x berguna lah jugak?
Mungkin x. Abis tu, kalau x, kenape ade je term 'freedom of speech' tu? All that declaration of human rights, betul2 benefit us, or does it benefit a certain group of people je? Ade orang claim, sume tu scientology. Merepek?

Bagi aq lah kan, x kire lah scientology ke x. Masing2 sebenarnye ade hak untuk bersuare. To voice out their opinion. Masuk pulak soalan ni: Abis tu kalau opinion kite tu provoking or menyakitkan sestengah pihak, atau buat sesetengah orang tu judge kite, macam mane pulak tu?
Some opinions are bound to affect certain parties. Opinions jugak berbeza2, tu yang dok provoke orang sane-sini.

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one. Erk! I saw these words somewhere, but I can't remember where and who said them. haha.. Anyways.....
Ade la aq nak buat satu confession kat sini, sebenarnye aq juga salah sorang 'prisoner of words' ni. X payah carik contoh jauh2, even kat blog ni aje pun aq dah cukup meng-hipokrit-kan diri dengan tidak menonjolkan sape aq sebenarnye. Bukan laa sampai ke tahap nak mencapub, tapi dah laa kat dunia yang nyata sane aq x free ntuk berkate2 what I really mean to say, kat dalam dunie Internet pun nak kene jage jugak ape yang aq nak cakap ke? Ape salah ke kalau aq feel free ntuk just be myself by saying what I really really want to say, ape yang terbuku kat dalam hati ni without feeling afraid that someone out there might judge me? It's not like I'm defaming someone pun kat blog ni. I have no substanstial opinions regarding any political issues, or any famous person, I don't discriminate any races, religions, culture, practices yada yada yada....

Jadi ape masalah sebenarnye?
Sebenarnye....
Sebenarnye..... Kite sendiri yang kurung diri sendiri kat dalam penjare ni. Orang lain x suruh pun kite menutup ape yang kite fikirkan dengan kesenyapan. Hahah.. *ayat memang x boleh blah!!* (hey, freedom of speech okay! Don't judge!). We're bound by this fear of being scrutinized and judged by another, not liberated from the insecurity of not fitting in. Cume orang yang betul2 have strong sense of justice and devil-may-care with that real "I-really-don't-give-a-shit" punye attitude barulah x kesah ngan ape orang laen nak fikir pasal dyrang. Sadly and unfortunately, not many of us is as brave as that. Macam aq jugak. Pengecut. HUH.

Dah 19 tahun hidup, and yet aq belum pernah lagi bwat something groundbreaking. I think I should start by liberating myself from this prison. All influential men in this world have something in common. And that is all of them are not afraid to let their voices be heard. Martin Luther King. Gandhi.

So, mulai skarang, blog nih mungkin akan transform cket. Knowing myself, my future posts may contain more explicit stuff. Mungkin the occasional swearings and biting sarcasm akan mendominate sesetengah post aq. Mungkin jugak sesetengah post aq akan be in excess gedik-ness. I mean, come on la, tgk laa sape writer dy kan???? DUH! Maka, selepas ni, kalau x ske the way I write, get out~ leave~ right now~ it's the end of you and me~

But I don't mean to hurt anyone. I just need to express myself freely.

KAPUT

2009-09-07T21:07:00.001-07:00

Groggily i watched the clock on my handphone.

11.30am.

ARGHHH!!!! WTF?! I was suppose to get up early and go to college and study and everything!!
I'm not much of a planner, but when I well have planned something, I expect it to go smoothly like that model's skin in LUX ad. (!!)

And now, the half of today's plan has gone KAPUT. Cuz the whole house didn't wake up for sahur, and I was suppose to be reading something up after sahur actually.... And now, INSTEAD of being in the college library's squeezing my brain for juice, I'm at my table BLOGGIN about how everything didn't go according to plan~ (=_____=lll)

I ought to be shot, really. I spend my nights before going to sleep formulating plans and all that but in the end I'm still me old-JUST-GO-AHEAD-AND-DO-IT-self.

Can't really complain really. You, know, Humans plan but God makes them happen.

Okay, reaaaaaaaaaaaaally gotta go now. Morning didn't go so well, (freakin spent it with ZZZzzz...) but I still have the whole day ahead of me! =D

~Ganbate!!!!~

bebola nasi onigiri

2009-09-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Onigiri.

A plain rice flavoured with salt.

Fillings: umeboshi, (or) tarako (or) kombu.

Shape: Ball-shaped, rectangular or triangular planar. I mean, triangular. (Bent-shaped takdak.)

NICE.

An onigiri comes to life. Followed by another. And another. And another. And another..... Like Night in the Musuem only that this occurs in a kitchen.

The first onigiri, called Onigiri takes a look at his friend also named Onigiri and starts admiring his friend:

"Woah. Niiiceee~ He has a star-shaped filling at the back of his rice-body. But, but,how come I don't have one too?"

And the Onigiri starts crying.

Onigiri with a star-shaped filling now takes a look at the crying Onigiri. Surprise, surprise, the crying Onigiri has a circular filling at the back of his rice-body.

Star-onigiri feels depressed. " Now, how come, I don't have a filling on me too???"

The star-onigiri commited suicide by jumping off the table.

Two onigiris see this and rushed to the edge of the table.

"What- the happened???!"

"I dunno!"

One of the two onigiris cannot help but notice that his friend the-worried-Onigiri has a heart-shaped filling at the back of his rice-body.

He too, is overwrought with jealousy, and he pushed the heart-onigiri off the table.

Fortunately, heart-onigiri sticks on the edge of the table. But he knows he doesn't have much time before he falls.

He says to his friend onigiri who pushed him,

"Before I splat on the floor and die a horrible death any rice ball could imagine, I have to tell you something I have always wanted to say to you.......

That you have the coolest filling at the back of your body which I've always wish I had."

And the onigiri falls off the table,joining the (now unrecognisable) onigiri that commited suicide on the linoleum floor of the kitchen.

*******************************************

So? All I'm saying is, onigiris don't have necks to see their own fillings at the back of their bodies.

*Itadakimasu.~*

thank you for asking!

2009-09-04T22:33:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been getting a lot of "Are you okay?" from a lot of people. I don't know what makes them ask me that.. I've never felt better! I mean, MOCK is coming but is it weird if I say that I'm kind of looking forward to it? Not that I'm supremely confident that I can do well, but I sure as hell hope that I do! Guess I just can't wait to show what I'm capable of. To prove something, not to anyone, but just to myself. I'd been disappointing myself considerably a lot since the beginning of the year. Now I want to do better. It has nothing to do with approval, it has nothing to do with competition or rivalry.

I just want to rise up to the challenge. I want to win against myself. I want to gain something for myself.

This sounds kind of selfish, but if I don't do it for myself, who's gonna do it for me? No one's living my life, but my own self, hence is it wrong if I want to do something because I want it and not because what other people want out of me? Of course, on the way of fulfilling this dream and hope of mine, I hope I will do my parents proud. My friends. My teachers. My country.
I'm doing this because of my faith. My inner conscience.

So right now, I feel pressured but it's a good kind of pressure you know? Like, this high pressure increases the forward reaction and hence increase the yield of the product. (Rate of equilibrium~ hahahaaaa!). A small amount of stress is necessary to get me going I think. I work best under pressure. (I hope so!) =p
Anyways, maybe I'm not being my usual gila2 self lately. I think that part of me have to take a break kejap. Berehat sebentar bersame kit-kat. (After breaking fast.DUH). Gotta focus bebeh, focus!! I have to get back on track and join this rat-race towards success!!

~God Almighty, there is no convenience unless you make it convenient for us and only You are the most capable of making a certain challenge easy anytime You wish for it.

Ganbate ne! =D

the ugly duckling

2009-08-31T09:32:00.000-07:00

The ugly duckling stood in front of a mirror. Her critical eyes roamed every inch of her body, from the coarse tuft of hair on top of her round head right down to her feet. But what she hated the most, oh how she hated it, was her mouth. It looked like a duck's beak. The ugly did a 180 and looked at his ample derriere, craning her neck as she did so. Now there's another reason to add to my misery. She did not wonder why she became the butt of the jokes (pun truly intended) of her family and friends.

The duckling then walked with her signature awkward gait to a rock near a pond where her whole family were swimming. She sighed as she looked at a swan which perched prettily on a huge rock at the middle of the pond while all the males flocked to her side. The swan held herself regally with a serene expression etched on her beautiful face. Her feathers were as white as snow during winter her long, slender neck struck the perfect balance between grace and strength. Oh, how I envy the swans! Cried the ugly duckling.

Years have passed and unlike the bed-time story for wide-eyed innocent little children, the ugly duckling did not grow to be a beutiful swan. Appearancewise, she was still her dull and drab self, the stark contrast of her plain look was highlighted even more so when she sat beside the graceful swan. But what the ugly duckling lacked in looks, she made up with her personality.
Possessing steely determination, light-heartedness and sincerity, wit, humour and humbleness,
the ugly duckling became quite a vivacious character.

And the ugly duckling lived happpily ever after?

That is yet to be seen. But let's keep our hopes up and pray for the best for the ugly duckling.
I'm pretty sure she would find have her happy ending before the curtains are drawn.

Pippa.

2009-08-28T08:14:00.000-07:00

The class was freakin boring. Full with boring people with dull conversation. Speaking to them made her roll her contact-lensed eyes. These people talked of philosophy and politics. Who gives a damn about a group of old men who behaves like immature kiddos in a round room furnished with long tables. As for philosophy... Well, she could only care so much about what Voltaire said as much as she cared about the grass that grew at the back of her house. To quote American Wedding, "Voltaire can suck on ------- "(Finish that line, you know it.)

Pippa fidgeted in her seat. She had been silent since the moment she entered the classroom. This, was superbly unnnatural for her because she, is Pippa. The drama queen. The chatterbox who could blabber on endlessly about anything and nothing to almost anyone and everyone, interesting or otherwise. Just as she was about to get up from her seat to escape the suffocating atmosphere in the class, a man approached and sat in the seat next to her. "Hello there." said the man.

Oh goody! Thought Pippa. She was just about to pass out from the saturated intellectual aura that seem to radiate and seep out the pores of every other person in the class. And she was getting extremely bored too when here came a man who could be her Mother Teresa.

"Oh, hello!" she replied excitedly. "Are you new here too??" she asked him.

The man laughed. Hmm.... kind of cute.

"No,not really. I saw you sitting alone, so I thought I'd come over and say hi." the man replied with a charming smile that crinkled up the skin at the corners of his eyes.

Pippa smiled wryly and said, "Mmmm, yeah. It's actually kind of weird for me to have nothing to talk about. I'm usually not this quiet."

"Oh? Why is that?" asked the man in earnest.

Pippa almost blurted out, "Because the people in this room suck." But she caught herself before she said it and instead, replied a safe answer. "Oh, I guess I'm just not familiar with you guys yet." she said airily. The man seem to perk up at this and said to her, "Then let's put a stop to this silence! I seem to have just the perfect topic for us to talk about. You know, to get you warmed up and maybe then you would become more involved."

Riiiiiight. Pippa began to to have a feeling that she was not going to like what was coming next. The man seemed patronizing, but she gave him the benefit and the doubt and chirped a (fake) enthusiastic "Sure!"

Then the man started to talk about politics. He blabbered on and on and on, she was struglling so hard to control her eyes from glazing over the words that are coming out of his mouth. Pippa could comprehend the basic of what the man was enthusiasticly talking about but politics was not what she had in mind when this guy approached her. She thought he would talk about something fun like.. Like, anything, but politics. After all, who would choose politics as a topic for a conversation with a person you met for the first time. Duh!
Pippa was not stupid nor ignorant, she was aware of the latest political news. She just did not think there was a need to make politics as a day to day conversation. It's so bleak and dull to talk about something so serious early in the morning. She'd rather talk about mundane things like the weather and other stuff but THIS.

"So, what do you think?" asked the man after a half an hour of his opinionated statements regarding the current state of the government.

"Uh......." was all Pippa could come up with. Then, she said "Yeah. That's right, I agree with you."

The man seemed unimpressed. Then he moved on to talking about the country's economy! Pippa groaned inwardly. She honestly couldn't take it anymore. Without warning she blurted out,

"Hey, yeah. You know, I gotta run. I left my stuff at the library." and she quickly stoop up and gathered her books on the table and stuff them in her stylish leather duffel from Dorothy Perkins. The man's face seem to fall when he said "Oh, okay."

Pippa smiled wryly and mumbled "Nice meeting ya." and quickly make her escape through the front door, leaving the invariable conversations of philosophies, politics, economy and the state affairs behind her as she shut the door.

She stood still in front of the door and exhaled in relief. She thought,

Sorry kiddo. It's not me, it's you and the whole class.

Then she walked to the lift and pushed the button to go down to the cafeteria and meet her girlfriends.

-Pippa's Take on Boring Conversations-

MOCK, do not mock me!

2009-08-25T06:11:00.000-07:00

Berikut ialah pesanan daripada Kementerian Kesihatan:

Simptom2 H1N1:

1. Seram sejuk
2. Insomnia
3. Selera makan berkurangan
4. Selera makan BERTAMBAH2
5. Mimpi ngeri di waktu malam (e.g: dikejar HP calculator)
6. Tidak bermaya
7. Tersandar di dinding dengan ekxpresi muka keliru
8. Fatigue/ letih2 badan

NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Berikut ialah simptom2 orang yg menghidapi Ausmatatis. Sesiapa yang mempunyai simptom2 tersebut hendaklah meng-kuarantin-kan dirinya dan membuat pemeriksaan otak.

Marilah bersama2 membasmi epidemik ini. Majulah pemuda untuk negara~
HAhaha~ GOOD LUCK FOR MOCK AND MAY ALL OF US SURVIVE AUSMAT AND COME OUT AS WINNERS! XD

amin.

it's not the same

2009-08-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

Ramadhan has come and while a part of my heart feels a certain joy of celebrating it, another melancholic side of it feels a dull ache of missing them terribly. My family, that is. I miss spending time with them. Every year, this holy fasting month brings us closer together. Now I need them more than ever, but I can't show them that. I have to be strong as I've always showed them time and again.

But,oh, how I miss those walks at the bazaar just right up the corner from my house. With the evening clouds stained orange I would walk with Yayang or Nadiah just around 6, salivating at the sight of rows and rows of steaming hot food on display. The bazaar near my house is 2 blocks of shop houses long with a variety of food. Our favourite food would be this delicious kueh teaw goreng with kerang, sprinkled with crunchy bean-sprouts. And then, of course, laksa penang and laksa johor. Nasi kerabu. Nasi dagang. Roasted chicken. Ulam jantung with sambal belacan. Ikan pari panggang dengan sambal. *salivating*
Sometimes we would buy different kinds of drink from the bazaar too. Most delicious so far would be air kelapa,cincau and air katira.
And desserts......... (*0*)
Cakes, puddings, caramelized puddings *massive salivating*, and Ah! Of course, kuih lopeh! My no. 1 favourite!

I love kuih lopeh sooo much that once when I was searching for it with such focus and determination, I walked right pass this boy whom I've had massive crush upon without entirely realizing it! Only after I've found my kuih lopef my friend whom I ran into told me she saw the whole thing happenning and that I was totally out of it because of my damn obsession with kuih lopeh. (=_=''')

Breaking fast back at home is usually around 7. Way quicker compared to here. So, once my siblings and I reach home, we would set up the table. My mom seldom cooked, but sometimes she would make steamboats and fry mee goreng or tauhu goreng to add up to the food we bought. After setting up the table, someone would have to go and summon Ikram, the bugger to get his lazy ass to the kitchen. Then, we would wait. Straight up the corner of my house, is the mosque. And I would often stand at the front door of my house and listen for the azan.

Once, we hear the azan, we would break our fast. It is usually this time, I would feel very at peace with everything that surrounds me. The quiet spaces of my house, the sound of birds chirping outside, and the first 10 minutes of breaking fast at the dinner table at my house. Because no one would be talking as they are busy chewing their food. But, after that, well, back to same old din.

What I also miss, is walking to the mosque with my sisters and my mom. Or when we walk back home. I am never quiet during these walks. I would kacau and kacau and kacau Yayang until her nose flare with irritation. ( Yeah, your nose flare, moyang!)
Or, I would be sharing a story with Nadiah during one of these walks.
And then, once we reach our home, we would all race to the fridge and who gets there first would get the caramelized pudding!Hahaaa~ (Usually saved for late night supper.)

...................................................................................................

Here, where I presently reside, I feel a sharp longing of being back in Jb. Why? Because I'm having cornflakes for sahur and bread with tuna and mushroom soup for breaking fast? Maybe not. Maybe yeah. But then again, isn't the whole point if fasting is to also get a feel of what it's like living with little food on the platter and little water to quench the thirst?
I don't really care about food. It's not a big issue. What I care is that I won't have the oppoturnity to spend this Ramadhan with my loved ones.

And people keep telling me that, no worries, just a few more months to go, and then this fight will come to a short intermission. =p
Yeah, heck, I know that. But still, that don't keep me from feeling just a little bit lonely here~

Home is where the heart is.
My heart is detached from my body.
Homesickness resurfaces.
Those who have not felt it because they can go home anytime they want can shut the heck up, because my heart is not in to listen to words said.
(tgh menyirap sbb jeles tgk org laen boleh balek... uhuhuuuu~~ (T__T)

Bersabarlah natto!!!! You can do this!!!! You are strong bebeh! Grrrr~~
p(>__<)/

Röyksopp

2009-08-16T05:19:00.000-07:00

It's only been a week,

The rush of being home in rapid fading.

Prevailing to recall What I was missing,

all that time in England Has sent me aimlessly,

On foot or by the help of transportation,

To knock on windows where A friend no longer live, I had forgotten.

And everywhere I go, There's always something to remind me

Of another place and time

Where love that travelled far had found me.

We stayed outside til two, Waiting for the light to come back,

But hid in talk I knew, Until you asked what I was thinking.

Brave men tell the truth, A wise man's tools are analogies and puzzles,

A woman holds her tongue, Knowing silence will speak for her.

So now I'll never know, As you will only sleep beside me, And everywhere I go...

~Remind me, Röyksopp~

So,

We've got TWO more weeks.

Yeah!!!!

Until MOCK, that is...

Still have time until TEE.

But our time is running out~~~~~~

(lagu MUSE, tetibe jek!)

So, come on people!!! JPA didn't choose us for nothing alright!

Overcome your shortcomings, sharpen your knives, load up your guns, arm up soldier!!!

And prepare for battle!

(jeng jeng jeng jeng!)

an american crime

2009-08-13T06:31:00.000-07:00

So I watched this movie this other day. Another late night movie with my roomate. How romantic it would be if only my roomate was not a girl and we were watching perhaps something romantic like The Notebook or whatever instead of watching something scary.

I'm not talking about horror movies. They don't scare shit. I mean it! I mean, I watch Quarantine and Saw and could still laugh my head off at the psychoness of it. (Yeah, tough gal!)

(Bajet arrr...)

Naw, what my roomate and I watch the other day, was something more than just some people screaming because of some weird zombies or Ju-on chasing them.

Violence and abuses are more horrifying don't you think?

I think they are. Especially more so because they are committed by human beings. This is my personal opinion: I think human beings are the most beautiful and special creation on this planet, but they can also be so terrifying.

How can a person who feels pain, shame, sadness inflict the same terrible actions on another human being?

It makes me sad just thinking about how many people was unpunished for the sordid crime they convicted. Makes me angry thinking of the unfairness of this world. Of little children's fate who were sexually abused, physically harmed, emotionally raped, forever tarnished. It's enraging it is.

Why can't the world be as beautiful as seen from an innocent little 5-year old's eyes?

What foolish notion I have. Stupid stupid stupid me.

I once heard this, but I honestly can't remember from where. But it says:

"Where there is light, there will be shadows."

I suppose if somewhere in the corner in this world where nothing but love matters, where truth is King, and peace is sacred, then there would also be a place where hatred harbors, where corruption and lies conquer and violence is majestic.

*sigh*

I feel old.

Try to watch this movie if you can. It's quite heart-wrenching and tragic. Based on a true story.

in a relationship with technology anyone?

2009-08-11T09:58:00.001-07:00

this post is for my dear friends,

especially najian. =)

yes, sayang, this one is for you~

once upon a time,

a man discovered the greatest thing on Earth,

his name was

Alexander Graham Bell.

He was a great man. Brilliant.

For he created a magical and wondrous thing called,

The telephone.

Yes, it was the most wondrous thing,

As many, (evidently) can't live without it now.

As time passes,It developed into...

A Handphone.

(Wow, okay. Wow.)

The handphone, has a lot more to offer than just a regular telephone.

You can text message,

google,

turn yourself deaf with loud music

from mp3 that comes with the handphone,

and of course.

CAM-WHORING.

(seems to be everyone's and anyone's IT thing to do these days)

...........................................................................................

What's not to like about it?

It's the perfect package!

You can put Britney Spears as ringtone ,and you phone will go,

"WOMANIZER WOMAN WOMANIZER YOU'RE A WOMANIZER OH WOMANIZER OH WOMAN WOMANIZER BEBEYH!!"

or,

like one of our beloved lecturer,

whose phone goes

"MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD---"

or sometimes, Doraemon's theme as his message alert.

And when you don't want to be disturbed you when you're in

'one of those peaceful moments'

you can always put it on silent.

But of course, it has a vibrator which which enables it to vibrate in case you still need to know

who's hollering you to go out to mamak and shisha.

The vibrator, also works in many many wonderful ways if only you know how...

(cough!)

Hence,

in this 21st century

it ain't a surprise to see anyone and everyone

in a 'relationship' with technology.

It's on to a whole new level, you can betcha.

(what with handphones that can vibrate and all...)

=pp

Anyways......

Haven't been cheeky for quite some time now...

Think it's time to unleash it a bit. =p

Maap najian, ttbe merapu pulak..

hahah~

The purpose of this post is,

to let you know.

That I know that I infuriate you so mucho mucho mucho.

Eh bien.

Najian,

I'm just such a caveman you see?

As far as I know,

I'm always in a relationship with another human being.

Not a thing. Not another medium.

I'm not in a relationship with my handphone.

C'est la vie.

a time for myself?

2009-08-07T08:51:00.000-07:00

"How I envy the cats!!"

"They sleep on the wiper of Nana's car"

"They sleep on the cold tiles on scorching hot afternoon"

"They sleep on warm road on a breezy evening"

"They sleep on the soft cushion of the old chair at night and

curl up with their paws tucked under their small face and

with ears as warm as syrup on freshly cooked pancakes."

Theoretical question:

Does it make me a selfish person if I just ignore everyone for a while and take some time for myself?

I mean, don't get me wrong, I LOVE being around people. After all, who likes being alone? I know I don't! But, sometimes right...... After so long of trying to maintain my composure, so long of racking my brain for brilliant conversation, so long of pondering and thinking and thinking and thinking......

I feel like breaking free from everything else for a change.

I'd love to lie in bed for hours and hours and hours doing nothing... Just staring at the fan on the ceiling. Wouldn't that be nice?
I'd love to be quiet for a bit and not talk to anyone because conversation can be a bit tiresome sometimes.
I'd love to lie in idleness on the floor and listen to jazz and bossa nova late at night.
I'd love to just sit on the sofa and read thousands and thousands of pages of novels.
I'd love to sit in the living room and catch re-runs of House and CSI.
I'd love to have long,long,long hours of showers and afterwards long long long hours of pampering myself with cold cream and cold wind on my face.
Hot chocolate drinks and toast( a bit charred preferably)with butter and kaya.

Aaah~ *blissful*
That would have been nice.

A time all for my self. ME and me alone.

Now the only time I can be alone is when I'm sleeping.
Is this the signs of exhaustion?
Definitely maybe.
I'm so wiped out these days.
Signs of AGING!!! argh~ I'm not as energetic as I used to be.........

God, I miss my life of idleness.

And now. Just let me sleep okay?

I just want to..ZZZzzzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz~

(Post orang malas. Post dlm blog pun psl nk tido. ZZzzz..)

yayang,bile rase sedih..

2009-08-04T10:31:00.000-07:00

bile rase sedih
bagi sye, care yang terbaek is to cry.
mase kecik2, sye suke nanges. orang panggil sye radio burok. fine, it's ok.
tapi bile dah besar siket, sye x suke bile org nmpk saye nanges.
"I look weak".
sye dah dilabel as hyperactive, bubbly, talkative dan cheerful mase kecik
sye rase sye x boleh menanges depan org
sbb nnti sye x twu nak explain kenape sye nanges.
orang laen x paham kenape.

bile dah tue mcm skarang ni (19 tahun),
i still like to cry.
i cry for the smallest thing in the world,
tapi sekurang2nye,
sye dah x sembunyikan lagi.
sye x boleh sembunyikan.

yayang,
al-fatihah to ur friend akie.
Allah lebih syg kat dy.
Doakan dy. Doakan family dy. Doakan kwn2 dy.
Bile rase sedih, don't be afraid to cry.
Don't keep everything in your heart.
Griefing is a part of healing.
I x ade sebelah u kali ni ntuk peluk u bile u nanges,
Tapi i ade kat sini ntuk u.
Klaw u need someone just to hear u cry,
I x kesah. U pun tawu i nanges lagi banyak dari u.
Tapi u kene be strong.
Skarang kawan u lebih dekat pade-Nya.
Kite yang maseh jauh atau dekat perjalanan kat dunia ni,
masih di tengah perjalanan.
Mase xkan berhenti.

I tawu u tabah yayang.
Your memory of him is enough for him.
as long as u remember, he lives in our hearts forever.

Kat cni, sye nak ckp pade kwn2 sye yg drive atau bwak motor or bawak lori, atau bwak van
(Abang Pian dan Abang Lan!),
mahupun beskal,
hati2 kat jalan raye.
Bunyi mcm iklan hari raye,
tapi siyes ni,
ingatlah pade keluarge dan kawan2,
ingatlah pade Nya.
This life is short, sbb tu every single moment is precious.

Awak yang drive kerete,
Plz be careful.

P/s: Kte pray for our loved ones. Keep them safe. Wherever they are.

crawl.. crawl~ crawl~

2009-07-28T06:44:00.000-07:00

Crawl Nadhirah!! Crawl!!

This is my pathetic attempt of copying Forest Gump's movie most famous quote.

The "Run, Forest!! Run!!" part.

I can't run. I'm crawling. Very slowly. I've tried running and I fell. Very. Hard.

Like, GEDEBISH!

Ouch. Saket kot.

Now I'm standing again. Wobbly, on my two unstable feet.

But I'm starting my journey again. I'm not gonna give up!!!

But I am CRAWLING.

Crawling to reach my dreams. So slowly.

Every brilliant runner have gotten so far, leaving dusts and smokes in front of me.

But that's okay! I can still see my path! Because I wear a pair of PROTECTIVE GOGGLES over my eyes!!!

And when tears blurred my vision, no worries, because my heart isn't blind.

Sometimes my mood gets so black, I shut myself in a dark room away from everyone else in desperate need to be alone,

But it never gets dark. My faith still burns a fierce fire.

I will pray, and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray and pray...

Throw laa every stones and bricks at me! (Test papers!!!)

I have my armour on! (jeng jeng jeng!!)

C'mon put chinks and dents on this metal suit, I promise one day I'll chase u with a big ass broomstick and hit u on the head with all my might until a huge number of 85 come bursting out of your skull!

I'm onto this challenge. I'm crawling, but I'll get there I. (God's willing)

I'll be crawling like SADAKO from THE RING.

Slow, bruised and battered, wet from sweat and dirty form grit and dirt, unkempt hair and very bad eyebags.

BUT IN THE END, I'LL GET YOU LIKE SADAKO FROM THE RING.

Future me?? ngeee!

word!

2009-07-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

Well, u see.

I can't tell you what to say.

It's okay if you the word 'TACTFUL' is foreign to you.

I can stand your stupid babblings.

I can take your faux pas.

But I think I'm getting tired of you behaving like this.

So childish. So immature.

Instead of insinuating it, why don't you just say it STRAIGHT to my face.

Instead of playing with words in front of everyone else (which leaves me cold and awkward),

SAY IT TO MY FACE LAAA...........

At this point, there's no need to hurt everyone else.

Maybe you feel hurt, that's why you're vindictive?

Aq btul2 x twu knape kau behave mcm ni weyh. *garu kepale*

So i'm pleading you,

Depan aq kau xnak tanye direct,

tapi depan sume orang mule laa kau nak cakap x bertapis.

X reti nak kalis2.

Cakap kasi kalis jugak la weyh. apesal kau ckp mcm org xde otak?

apesal kau klaw nk ckp msti nak kuat2? I'm not deaf.

Shouting at other people does not make you right, or make you greater than the other person.

It just lowers down your own credibility lagi ade laa...

-an advice from one friend to another.-

special surprise.

2009-07-23T03:12:00.000-07:00

It was almost 12a.m and I woke up with a start as my stomach was doing a sommersault. No, not because I was nervous. Well, part of it was because I was having math test the next day. But mostly it was because of the fungus that grew on the bread I accidently ate that afternoon.

My phone rang. The first call. Mak.

15minutes before midnight. The second one. Through ym. I miss this one so much.

The third call. This one made me very,very happy. =)

The fourth one... Well, there was none.

But there were special messages. From girlfriends to best friends to the people whom I thought have forgotten all about me.

And then there were my fun and sweet classmates.

Dan para2 penghuni rumah 69. Tenkiu for the 'special' carwash service. My 'car' got very wangi and shiny afterwards. Tenkiu nadon, I shall not forget this..... ngeh3.

Mak who gave me a video bday wish, tenkiu ma! Syg ma, minggu depan nak balek bcuz u guys kene blnje sye makan seafood kat Stulang Laut.. Sye rindukan Jb. =pp

Abah, NAdya, in a Faraway Land of Bandung, Yayang who's gonna get me a comel Swatch (u promised! =pp), Ikram, the babun who forgot to wish me again. Xpe, weekends ni sile blnje saye di Carl's Junior dan sile blanje sye shopping si Sunway. Thank you, plz come again! hahaahaaa.. =p

Raspberry cheese, I love your surprises. =)

My girlfriends, Najian,Shieda, Aisu (si cipan lupe bday aq lagi skali.),Nazee and Elya moi dahlingsss, Simren, Qilla, Sasi. And those whom I forgot to mention. Syg korang sgt2!

Ya sayang (my comel roomate),Nadon,Nana,Yeanna,Anneh,Mia, Tati, K.cv, Siew Wuen, Shun Ling, Hooi Ying, THANK YOU VERY MUCH! <3

I love u people!

Thanx to Hani, Ajin, Sherry, Atiron,Fatin,Fairus,Ain,Ainin,Atikah and ALL my classmates (Nic, MB Woei Song *hahaaha!*, Jinn Jyh,Calvin, Pijah,Aain,Sue,Jihah adek kecik, Aizat,Izzat dan keluarga di Melbourne Aussie dan sume2 yg laen,),

Mud, fadli-ya, Imran si prasan Torres...

And not to forget my bff, Zhaf Germs and Indera. =)

sape lagi.. Oh, everyone laa yg made my day by just wishing a simple happy bday! I appreciate it guys! Thanx lots!!! U guys paling best!

Thanx to you, this has got to be the best birthday ever!! <3

19 is just a number. But it's the day I turn 19 that's special. =)

give me what I deserve

2009-07-19T05:32:00.000-07:00

math test math test math test math test math test.

just give me what I deserve.

Cuz i'm gonna get u.

this man I love

2009-07-17T04:24:00.001-07:00

This man,
who I knew would rain me with love and affection
from the very first time he sets his eyes on me.

This man, who scolds me first and makes me cry,
but later comes with chocolates and flowers
to see me smile and wipe the tears away from my eyes.

This man,
who takes me out to wonderful places,
but no place is greater than my place on his shoulders.

This man,
is my mentor, my guardian and my protector.

This man,
who used to come home everyday and call my name first
when I was small and rumple my hair as he greeted me with his broad smile.

This man who gives me everything I needed,
sometimes surprises me with what I wanted,
but nothing beats the attention he gives not only to me,
but to the people he and I love.

This man, who forevermore loves my mother.
This man, who forever loves his son and daughters.

This man, who stays.
This man,who keeps us as one and whole.

This man, whom I love.
Forever and ever.

Thank u, abah~ <3

my mom is super awesome lah~

2009-07-14T02:44:00.000-07:00

Title mcm tagline ntuk Mother's Day celebration je.. but, no, ni bukan psl mother's day. Rase2nye sye x perlu mother's day ntuk remember yg MY MOM really is awesome. =)

Khamis ptg,

Ma naik bas sorang2 ntuk menghantar padeku dokumen2 penting ntuk application U.

Tenkiu mak! Sye pelupe.. Mase balek rumah cuti sem hri tu lupe nak bawak sijil2 sume naik PJ.

Sampai2 je depan rumah mlm khamis, ma, ikram ngan in skali ajak gi makan~~

Yummy!

Makan kat TTDI. Mak blanje ABC yg tinggi mcm baby gunung Everest. Dah lame x makan ABC~ ^__^

*muke bahagie~*

Jumaat mlm,

Nak tgk Johnny Depp ngan Christian Bale... Johnny so damn hot. Hani pun gatal nak tgk.. hehe.. Tgh tunggu IDP settle borang. Tunggu lame, so text ma ckp:

"Nak tgk Johnny Depp mlm ni?? ;;)"

*bat eyelash*

Berdebar2 tnggu msj di-reply. Akhirnya ma kate,

"Ok. Nnt beli tiket."

Waahhh~~~

Sabtu pg,

Hari yang sgt x ditunggu2. Parents teacher meeting? Not my cup of tea. Kat sekolah dulu boleh laa bwat muke comel je bile cikgu marah. Kat sini? Nak bwat muke comel, nnt kene tnye soklan Rm1000,000: NAk FLY GI AUSSIE X?

mesti laa nak.... =___=

Mule2 ma start berkhutbah jugak. Tapi ma paham. Bab kire-mengire mmg bukan satu bakat yg ade kat sye. Tapi dy bangge yg sye sgt sukekan literature. =) Tapi,lepas kene kaw2 ngan lcturer, sye pun mule laa mcm nak kene heart attack. Mata dah bersinar2, dah x nmpk ape dah..

Ma mmg beshhhh. She took me out shopping in KL.

Oh, yeah..

Mother and daughter dri jb yg mmg x brape kenal jln kat Kl yg sgt pelik tu, boleh sampai ke Suria Klcc ngan selamatnye. And x sesat. Thanx to my not-so-bad sense of direction. eceyh...

Sabtu,ptg,

Lepas penat shopping for 5 hours, sye ckp,

"Nak2 minum kat Old Town white Coffee?"

Caffeine addict kene ajak minum coffee? Well, it's like a drug addict getting a shot of heroine.

And so, teringat waktu petang2 kat jb.. After kelas tusyen gi minum petang ngan ma and yayang kat rumah atuk.

Gosh, I miss jb. <3

And I mish u ma~ U d awesomeness!

And sunday?

Sunday was fun. =)

cute x?

2009-07-12T04:14:00.000-07:00

cute kan?? kan?? kannnn??

yeah,i'm in the middle

2009-07-07T20:44:00.000-07:00

korang penah tgk x 'malcolm in the middle'??
x, xde kaitan ngan aq. but theme post kali ni is about being stuck in the middle!
tengah-tengah.
50-50.
1/2.

aq kat tengah2!!
malcolm in the middle tu just metaphor je.

anyways,,,,
last week was.....
how should i put it?
tengah-tengah la.

happy monday,
black tuesday di mane banjir melande an unknown country,
wednesday..... er?
holy thursday, where I got things sorted out,
friday, yaaay! but, um, huh?
saturday.I adopted a very fluffy dog.
sunday, cipan. cipan. cipan. cipan.cipan. cipan. but what should i do?

see what I mean?
manusia normal biasenye akan kematian neuron otak bile 1001 perasaan bercampur baur.

new chapter:
membela fluffy dog.
-mengpa fluffy dog susah dibela?
hmm....
sbb.... high maintanence kot.
but i luv dat doggy. tpi susah nak jage.
how then?
it's so adorable, sometimes rase mcm 'waa~ comelnye....!!!"
tpi sometimes mcm, " isy! ssh btul nk jage."
God, bagi la aq kesabaran. Because it's not the doggy's fault I sometimes detest it so much.

=)
adios~

reminiscing the past.

2009-07-01T20:22:00.000-07:00

Tetibe rase sedih plak bce blog kakak aq, nadya. I was in the library and like I've got nothing better to do, I switched on the pc and logged into my blog. (Bkn nk study ke ape kan? hampeh btui..)
Anyway... I stumbled into one of her post. It was about me lah.

Yeah,me bebeh. Moi. (Nk prasan jap. ehehe~)

Post tu psl one of the things that she regretted in her life and what if she could change it.
It was about child abuse. By a maid. And that child was me.
I know this sounds serious. Maybe it was. Maybe it still is. But I was so small back then, I didn't regard an of my undeserving beatings as abuse. Just as a case of breaking a small child's heart and a violation of my innocence trust.
Whoah, ayat xnak dramatik lagi kan?
Anyways...

I didn't know it was child abuse. I thought it would be right to 'teach me a lesson' because let me tell you one thing, when I was small I was an imp. Really. Betul2 nakal. So I was afraid to tell anyone about the rough treatment I received and the shoutings and the screamings I received from her because I thought any bad child deserved this. I know I was naughty. I was even convinced that I was bad.

But... Exactly how bad was I when I was a 3-year old child?
I have a very strong lungs, thus when I cried, I cried very loud.
I am very headstrong, I don't like to listen to people unless they tell me very gently and kindly, hence I was always the victim of my maid's screams of my insolence and strong-headedness.

I was picky when it came to food, so it's alright for you to force food down my throat?
I very much hated cold water when I was small so when I refused to bathe, it's not wrong to slam my head on the bathroom wall while you splash cold water to my face until I couldn't breathe?
And then you locked me afterwards in that bathroom, ignoring my yells and screams and cries of help because I was so scared I was gonna be locked up forever.
Was that right?

Was it because I was really that bad?

And where were my parents when this happened you might ask. They were out working. Now, before you jump into the assumption that they're not doing their job as parents right, let me assure you that they are really good parents. In fact, I think they are the greatest people I've ever known. But they too couldn't be with me all the time 24/7. There was no way they could've known if no one told them about it. I didn't tell my parents about it. I was so scared they weren't gonna believe me because my maid was such a bloody pretender.

She acted all nice and submissive when my parents are around, but behind their back only my siblings and I saw the monster she was. She was a soooo darned good actress that when she treated me gently in front of my parents, I could almost forgot the beatings I took from her. I could almost believe that behind this bloody woman who grabbed a lock of my hair almost every other day, there could be a mother-like figure who could love me because I yearned for a bit of love from almost everyone I met when I was a kiddo.

Damn, was I pathetic.

My point of writing this down is not to reignite the fire of sheer loathing I have for this woman who beat me. If anything, I am only repulsed by my own helpnessness at that time. I am also ashamed by the fact that she just had to do it in front of my sister,nadya. I was helpless and scared, yes, but at the same time I was mortified. I didn't want my siblings to know that I was so bad that I needed to be 'corrected.'

I still remember the look of shock and fear in her eyes as she watched my head, slammed into the wall by force.

Ah yes. I remember everything that happened that day. Aq almost wrote a poem about it too. Mr Derick assigned us to write a peom that begins with " I remember..."
Aq nk bwat psl mende ni lah. Tapi mcm uncomfortable pulak nk cite depan the whole class. And then karang Mr Derick byk tanye pulak. Ape aq nak jwb?? hahaaha....

"Oh, it's not about me. It's about, you know.... Child abuse in general. The issue, I mean."

Right. Lies. All lies.

But, bak kate nadya, thank God I've grown to be a jovial, cheerful person, laalallalaaa~~~, etc2 and all dat. Takpe nadya, don't worry about me. I'm strong, remember? Fine, fine. I cry a lot. But tears do not symbolise weakness. In fact I think they bring me strength.

Errr, okay. Hari ni kelas econs kul 1. Aq terlupe. ciss... I go first. Sape2 nk bace post nadya about me:

http://dundeepurple.blogspot.com/2009/06/nuttobacelahhh.html

STALKER

2009-06-25T06:20:00.000-07:00

What would you do if you found out that some strange yahoo knows pretty a lot of things about you. He has your YM address, and he knows how you look like. He knows your father, and he knows where you are currently residing.

And this person is a total stranger that you have only met once before.

I'm as scared as hell right now.

This is all so effed up you see. I should have known better than to accept some weird and unkown request to be added into my YM list. I thought this could be some person I know from around here. I guess I was pretty stupid. Soooo effing stupid and naive.

If only I knew that I was being stalked this whole time. Oh my God..

I was already very suspicious since the first time we chatted together. I asked him who he is, where did he get my email those sorts of questions you know...
He answered almost everything, but I knew they were answers I could not entirely believe. They sounded like a load of bullshit if you know what I mean.
And that first encounter with me, he was already very rude and creepy towards me.

Creepy and rude as in, he was blatantly sexually harrassing me.

Bastard.

And this is the part where I effed up big time. BIG big time. I was not a person to be provoked. Not one to be mocked. I got so fired when he asked me that disgusting, despicable, degrading question to all women all over the world should this question be asked by a total effing stranger, that I gave him one of my wise-ass answer back.

And this was a MISTAKE I shouldn't have made. You should never, never, show a reaction when a creep or a stranger do something weird to you.

Because this creep actually liked it. He liked my wise-ass retort.

Oh,no.

So after that, naturally I got freaked out lah. Whenever he buzzed me at Ym, I just ignored him. Okay, he did sexually harrassed me. I just thought that he was not to be bothered with and pretty soon he would get bored and move on because that's how it always turn out in the end.

So I thought he was just some horny Juan Ker who needed to get off by asking some pretty effed up question to any random strangers in cyberspace he knows. I mean, these things happen!! I have had bad experience in the past, but none of them led to anything serious. Because guys who were rude to me in chat rooms or anything were basically idiots who have never seen and met me before. No,only in virtual worlds. But never, NEVER face to face.

But one night, everything changed. This was the night that he finally told me everything. And Idon't think he was bullshitting me. This yahoo knew what he was talking about.
And he knows me. He knows my dad too because my dad used to go to his computer shop.

How effed up is that?

It turns out, he was the one who repaired my laptop when I got it serviced because my laptop was a being such a biatch, God knows why. So this was how he got my email address. And this whole episode happened many months back. I can't even recall when this was, and isn't that telling you something?

I encountered him pretty long time ago. And he still remembered me. He told me that.

Oh my God. What now?

I know he did not make up all these things he told me about himself because he described himself and I remembered. As warning bells went off inside my head, I remember him. The computer guy. The guy whom on the way back home from his shop my parents had told me about because apparently, my parents are some sort of regular customers there. The guy whom my dad talked about like he had known him for quite some time now.

Gosh, and I was reminded of this:

If he stole my email account when he repaired my laptop for me, God knows what else he had poked into?

My private photos? Personal documents??

It is my GODDAMN personal laptop. It contains everything that is private about me.

My family, my friends, where I study at, videos..................

I wish I was making this shit up. But this is no fiction.

God, and he tried to sweet talk me with words that send disgusting shivers down my spine.
F,f,f,f,f,f,f,f,f,f,,f,ff,f,,f,f,f,f,f,f,f,f,f,f,!!
The nerve that he has!!!!!! I wish I could kick him right where it would hurt the most. Straight to the nads. Not only did he sexual harrass me, he violated my privacy - I'm an effing customer, not a harlot you just choose to hook up with!!!!

I'm so pissed off. Why can't we women be respected?? Why are certain people so disgusting and effed up??
Don't tell me. I know the answer.

There are always weird people everywhere. I just can't stand them. I know I sound like a bloody feminist at times, but believe me people: I'm not. I don't hate men. I just hate men who behave like dogs. And yes, I hate women who behave like female dogs too. This world is becoming a messed up place it seems. And while I admitted that I'm not a feminist, I have to say that I'm becoming a jaded cynic. Because these days, nothing can ever be trusted anymore.

Nuff said. Now what should I do about this stalker?

you are telling me...

2009-06-22T19:35:00.000-07:00

Man, you told me not to believe men.
And you told me you loved me,
I said that you are kind.
You said you loved me and reminded me again,

To not believe in men.

I think it's time we clear this up:
I don't need you telling me what to believe in.
Why is there a need to turn me into a cynic?
I'm already half way there..

Don't tell me you miss me if you don't mean it.
Don't say you love me if you like someone else.
Don't tell me you need me when you're with another person.
Don't make me feel special only to treat me later like trash.

But most importantly...

Don't put me in your heart because I can't put you in mine.

warming up.poems.

2009-06-20T04:23:00.000-07:00

My eyes are too big,
with lashes spread like fan across my apple cheeks.
My eyes they see, through a rose-coloured glasses.
I am easily deceived.
I am easily deceived.

I am an ingenue, I am naive
My mind untainted,
my opinions unsculpted,
my ideas unmoulded,
my thoughts raw ,
my imaginations aren't restricted by possibilities and liabilities.
I am not wise.
But I beg of you,
To not educate me.

I refuse to conform to the norm,
I refuse to become what everyone else has become.
A monotone of a symphony.

If you are to teach me,
then teach me to be who I am.
Not who or what you want me to become.
If I am in a cocoon,
then release me so that I might transform into a butterfly,
If I am in the darkness,
then shine on me some light so that I become visible to myself,
and to everyone around.
And if I am confined in a room,
don't give me the lock, don't tell me a secret passageway where I can find.
Wait and watch for me to unprison myself.

I am a diamond,
burn me with hot flames,
cut me with hard,cold ice
and gloss me until I shine.

Jump. Just jump.

2009-06-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

Wow. I've just unlocked the secret to not feeling that stressed out when getting back exam results. Guess I'll share it here because miraculously, I do not feel so bad getting my results back. Well, they're not good. Seriously. I'm not joking. And, no, it's not because I went on some meditation or anything.

It's simple.....

Don't expect too much from things.
Especially if inside your heart, you know you could've done better. When the time is up and I look up to see my lecturer who is collecting my paper make their boogy eyes at me and say, a tight-lipped "Time's up!".
When I leave my table and step outside of the hell hall and deep inside, I know....

This is no good.

And when I get back my paper. Guess what? It isn't good. But it's not exactly the surprise of the century. Don't get me wrong peeps. I've worked hard for this mid-term. But my gut feelings told me this, You know nad..... This is not enough.

Heck,yeah I know that.

Based from my past experience, if I think I've done enough, it usually is. That was why I felt satisfied. I felt.. adequate. I deserved what I worked so hard for. Or less if it is. I won't complain anymore. If it's bad, it's not bad karma. I'm just not doing enough.

I want more.

This is one beeyotch attitude I've got. I don't mind losing to anyone else.
It just kills me if I lose to mysef is all.

I won't lose to myself. I won't let me get me.

so long, good night.

2009-06-13T05:57:00.000-07:00

I am now sitting on my bed with a big headphone over my head. Some bad hip hop song is blaring its way through the canals of my ear, journeying towards my ear drums. I was in desperate hope of trying to block out the sound of the ticking clock in my room.
That feeling sucks okay, sucks. That, being the state of knowing that in less than 24 hours, I would be on my way to Kl, carrying my turtle in its new plastic home back to where I should be at, but not entirely sure it's where I even wanna be.

Hellooo BU. We meet again,furry,expensive,human-chasing dogs of BU.

Come Monday,I'll be back for my classes. Uh-oh. I don't think I can take a rain-check for THAT. Can I???? No, don't answer that. It was rhetorical.
Mak just came to check up on me just now, and the first question that popped upon seeing my face is,

drum roll,please.....

"DAH KEMAS BAJU BELUM?"

argh. Macam kene tembak. It was like taking a bullet.
No, I haven't 'kemas' my stuff I told her. My stuff are all over the place. This morning I just found my comb under the cushion of the living room's chair. What is it even doing there???
I sooo like to do things in the last minute. And hence, all the drama. This late minute thing is like a force of nature. I don't think I can fight it. Gahahaha...
I don't think I even want to fight it. Maybe,just maybe okay, if i delayed the inevitable, then it wouldn't be so painful. Kot. Oh, the inevitable would still come! But I am able to delay it, so DELAY it I SHALL.... Muahahaha~~~

......................................................

Still. I'm gonna get a scolding from abah for not packing my things up tonight.
*tergolek dgn malas atas karpet*
Aiyah.

This is so effing depressing. No more sushi for dinner (I've been having sushi f0r dinner 2 nights in a row already!!), no more going out shopping and have someone else pay it for me, no more lepaking at Vivo's for 3 hours with my gals just chatting and catching up on stuff, no more seeing the gloomy sky of Jb, no more slothing and growing mushrooms in front of the idiot box while ogling and drooling seeing Ed Westwick come up on the screen, none of the 'reading-2-novels-in-one-day' thing, and no more of downloading videos in Youtube under 1 minute.

Bosan ni.

Now can someone please tell me, how am I suppose to go back to college and stamp that education back into my brain when my brain, has. officially. turned. to. mush.

Yes. Mush. Seminggu tak study and I can become very very moronic. Very Dumb and Dumber.

Ah well.
Maybe seeing my results will jolt me out of my Simple Life dream.

I'm coming Ausmat!!!!

OTK...!! (OMG)

2009-06-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Nak menggile sekejap. Ooohh yeah~

i.love.holiday.

2009-06-09T05:20:00.000-07:00

there are five things that i like about holiday.

1. I get to relax and enjoy.

trip to Taman Negara

abah posing. It's the third time we went Taman Negara.
First, when i was 10, second, when i was 13 or 14... x ingt.

yeah, we used SELIPAR GETAH yg dibeli kat kedai runcit
at Jerantut for jungle tracking....twice.
Check out the pink and purple flip-flops!!

a half and hour boat ride. The wind messed our tudungs,
but who cares!!! NAture surrounds us!!

We tried to get on the famous 'Canopy Walkway', but there were thousands of people queuing for a go,and we had to wait for 3 long hours if we want to get up there.
Since we had been on it the first time we went there,
we decided to give it up for the tourists who haven;t experienced it yet.
The Canopy is almost the same like the bridge we got on
in Summer Camp. Remember that bridge?
Yeah, except that the Canopy was waaay higher, and totally very much longer.

2. I get to spend time with my family and friends.

YEah right, Ikram. BWat lah muke DIVA kau tu... Yayang dan anak terbarunye, Mr. Bing.

3.Movie marathons!!!!!

Gossip girl, Terminator Salvation and Hindustan encore... Rindu kat scenes bergolek2 guling atas rumput~~ *ahahah~*

4. Reading 2 novels a day and youtube-ing hot favourite singers everyday..
Ternyata line internet kat rumah lebih cepat~ huuh~!

Mraz,Bellamy, and Gallagher. yaay!

5. Because.... IT's HOLIDAY laa!!!!! No messing your head, saket kepale fikir about exams and all that stuff!!! Take a break. Next week we die, but as of now.... LEts's PArtaaayyyyyy~!!! haha!

Enjoy ur sem break Ausmatians!!! =)

free to be. =)

2009-05-24T03:20:00.000-07:00

pernah x korang tgk cermin pastu trlintas kat fikiran korang, "sapekah aku ni sebenarnye?'
rate2 almost semua orang penah rasekan benda ni. especially time2 kat sekolah menegah dulu kan? mase sume tgh muda mudi dulu, zaman2 korang tgh 'soul searching' laa katekan.... haha~

teringat mase dulu2. aku rase dlm byk2 orang, akulah yang paling mcm ade masalah identiti cket kot. unsure of who i'm suppose to be.
salah satu sebab mungkin memang dlm nature aq untuk 'rebel' cket. heheh.. nakal, pastu keras kepale. aq suke meng-'kontradik' org. org ckp mcm ni, aku akan SENGAJE bwat the other way round. entah! mcm best je? =p

mase kecik2 dulu nakal sgt. slalu bwat masalah. hahahhh.. tapi bile dah kene rotan ngan abah, kene marah ngan mak, menangis x henti2. gembeng kotttt... hahah~ ye, aq mmg suke menangis. aq rase it's a good way to just let it out. pastu dah lepas nangis,tido-pastu everything will feel much better.

I used to be tomboyish. Siyes x tipu. Nak pkai baju kurung tu, punye la susah. Seluar je memanjang. Rambut x penah nak simpan panjang. T-shirt2 aq dulu sume t-shirt budak lelaki. Shopping t-shirt raye ngan mak aq mase kecik2, aq akan pegi straight to section budak laki2. Actually, even skang pun aq rase men's t-shirt are waaay cooler drpd girl's nye t-shirt. Haish. Jeles btul lah. Aq berjanji in the future, aq akan menghadiahkan boyfren aq t-shirt shaje. If i can't wear it, then u have to wear it! Ahhaa~ kejam x??
Skang ni alhamdulillah, lebih keperempuanan. Setelah blajar selame 11 tahun di sekolah perempuan, aq berjaye jugak di-influence ntuk menjadik lebih girlish.

But i still don't like teddy bears. And the colour pink, unless it's Hot pink. Klaw laa korang nmpk aq pkai kaler soft pink, sumpah aq ckp, aq terpakse.

aq ske menyanyi. =D
kat rumah, aku suke karaoke sorang2, melalak-lalak sambil dgr earphone, abah kat bawah tgh TV akan sound, "Oi, ape syok sendiri sgt tu???!!" pastu, dlm bilik, pegang botol bedak (konon2 mikrofon laa) pstu nyanyi lagu mariah carey. ahha~~ lawaknye!
lagu yang aq dengar pulak kadang2 "agak menakutkan" bak kate Tati dan Ya (housemate 69).
ehehh~~ kadang2 dyrang lepak dlm bilik aq, pastu dyrang akan ckp,
"Ya Allah!! ni lagu ape awak dgr ni nad???" Aq sengih nampak gigi je laa. =D
aq kesian jugak dekat Ya, sbb dy terpakse mendengar satu2 lagu tu wpun kkdang dy x minat lagu mcm tu. Lagu jazz, bossa nova, rock metal, indie, disco pop (Lady Gaga!!!!),brit-pop... Lagu aq berubah2 ikut mood dan keadaan. Maaf ya!! muahahaa~

Lepas tu, aq kejap2 hu-ha kejap2 diam mcm org xde suare. Kdg2 high smpai rase mcm nak kacau sume org, kkdang rase cam nak lepak dlm bilik sorang2, layan buku cerite, n tgk movie lawak2 or tgk cite yg sedih2 cket ke... Best tgk muvie pastu layan prasaan.. Yeahhhh~
Aq sgt suke privacy expecially kalau time malam2 jumaat atau sabtu, klaw x keluar ngan member, tgk muvie ke ape,shopping ke, aq suke duduk dlm bilik bace novel. Hobi membace tu mmg dah dipupuk (eceyhhh ayat xleyh blah!) sejak kecik. Family aq sgt suke membace. Abah suke bace buku2 educational. Buku2 psl medic, hal2 agama ke, tu mmg dy minat. Majalah kereta,tmpt2 pelancongan.. Mak pulak suke bace novel2 classic. Huhuu.. Maybe, dats y laa kami 4 beradek pun suke gak bace buku.

Aq suke gi lepak kat Mph, belek2 buku kat book shelves. Bace review kat blakang buku. Tgk cover buku2 yg nmpk menarik. Klaw ade duit, beli 2-3 buku. Bagi aq, lepak kat kedai buku sgt best. Duduk bersile atas lantai sambil bace buku.. Then, kedai buku jugak slalu psang lagu best2. Kadang2 opera Il-Divo, lagu2 oldies cam The Beatles, sometimes lagu2 yang upbeat. Suasana dlm bookshop sgt calming. Peaceful. Dan dipenuhi dgn buku2. Klaw nak golek2 kat dlm Mph tu sambil membace pun, manager xkan marah. Oh~ Mph~~ dah lame aq x bwat aktiviti tu..
Dulu2, dlm mase seminggu, aku akan bace maximum 3 novel. Satu novel, aq boleh habiskan dlm mase 2,3 hari. Sehari kalau buku tu best giler2. X makan, x berckp ngan orang laen... Reading was the only activity inside my room. Rumah aq pulak mmg penuh ngan bookshelves. Satu buku dah abis, ambik je buku baru kat almari.

Aq merapu dgn sgt byk, tapi apekah purpose aq merapu ni????
Basically, aq merapu sume ni sbb, aq nak ckp, yg aq dah sedar sape diri aq skang ni.
MAybe, pade org len, aq ni x cukup girlish, x cute-perangai kadang2 kelelakian, bhase yg aq gunekan ntuk berckp sometimes x cukup molek seperti gadis ayu perempuan melayu terakhir, lagu2 yg aku dgr bukanlah Miley cyrus, High school musical. Aq dgr lagu2 yg budak laki2 slalu suke dgr, aq juge sgt lah kelam kabut orgnye. Hanfon aq pun aq slalu x tawu mane aq letak! MArkonah si kure2 kadang2 aq terlupe nak bagi makan....

I'm not what evry girl is supposed to be, but i am just how i should be. To all my friends, thank u for accepting my gedik self,loud!! and byk ckp, kuat makan, kuat menangis (emo!!), dan mood mcm roller coaster. To my family, saye tawu sye nakal dan cheeky. Sye suke menyakat org dan x reti duduk diam. Sye suke keluar membeli-belah dan suke menaikkan bil telefon. Sye suke aktiviti luar rumah dan tusyen (kadang2 sampai x buleh nak pegi makan angin ngan korang). But thanx for accepting me and loving me so,so very much- JUst the wAy i am.

This is me, so, why should i be afraid to just be..? =)